The Virgin Summer Poker Invitational

LONDON, ENGLAND - I would like to be the first to inform you that on Friday July 10th the first ever Virgin Summer Poker Invitational (VSP) will be hosted by Clint "Bobcat" Oris. Anyone will be allowed to attend and it will be an amazing evening filled with BBQ, chips PEPSI and poker, concluding with a cannon ball competition with an odds on favorite to win going to John "Tsunami" Smith. It will be the first ever alcohol free event so bring your poker face and bathing suits! Mr. Oris has promised that there will not be any more one legged hookers or monkey knife fights.

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The major news out of Toronto, Canada is that Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich has given birth (his wife gave birth actually) to a sixteen pound baby boy who he aptly nicknamed, "The Little Juicebox". Ahhh Igor Larionov Mastrovich III was born on June 30, 2009. When we went to the hospital the night of the birth we were surprised to find the Juice out at a local Pickel Barrel with his entourage in a saucy meat sweat . The Juice refused to be interviewed and as he left the restaurant he was whisked away in an airport taxi. We did find his cell phone and was surprised to discover a missed text message, "Come bak, don't leave...it will be ok ;-)" Not that we snoop. More news to follow.

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Boris “I’m Depressed” Gaudio who was concerned that there might be yet another DNA test had boarded a plane without his wife and fourteen children to take a quick, unplanned vacation at the Viking Resort in the Caribean. "I chose the Viking's Ultimate Fantasy Package. It costs about $7,900 but you guys really gotta check this out online. Yep, it's worth every penny. Giggedy Giggedy! John and Kate just split up and I don't need the additional press coverage. By the way, do you know if the Little Juice Box was born with a goatee? Oh, you don't know. Ok, well give the Juice my regards and tell him to call me at the Viking Resort once the results have come in."

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League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has said that the first VSP Invitational may turn out to be a shot in the arm for sponsors who would normally shy away from alcohol soaked events drenched in booze and scantily dressed women. "This fomat provides a family atmosphere so we can hook in and addict even the most opposed members of society who wouldn't normally get involved in gambling. Since cigarette smoking has become a socially unacceptable practise, we have decided that it would better serve the public to gamble away their dollars and jump off bridges than to smoke cigarettes and become burdens on our healthcare system. It's a win win for everyone involved and our aim is to have everyone playing online poker in North America by 2020 so that our grandchildren don't become enslaved to the emerging markets as world power shifts away from North America who are no longer in control of all the money and drugs in the world. Oh...did I say too much?"

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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: John "Tsunami" Smith, representing the MNPL® at a local Poker Before Dark competition on Friday June 26th won a $1,600,000 split championship pot. "I had a read on these donkeys from the get go, they were all tight premium hand players. I love a tight table, you can wreak havoc on guys like this. I made a few mistakes but when there were three of us left, Gustov Tsernovski called all in as the short stack with what turned out to be 8D and 9H in his hand. I called with AS and 2H. I only called him because he was short stacked and I had an ace. On the flop I hit my Ace and he hit a pair of 8's. Then the turn came and he hit a 9D. I thought it was over. On the River flops the 2S and I couldn't believe it. I knocked him out with two pairs, lucky as hell. He has three WSOP titles under his belt so I was very happy with that hand. Instead of battling it out head to head with Markus "Chairguy" Minthouse in a final winner takes %50 and second place takes %30 percent, the sponsors agreed to split the final pot between the two of us. I really felt like I represented the MNPL® and was proud to have ended up in the winner’s circle.

There was a guy named Sanjaya "Step Six" Vodkacooler, glad I didn't go head to head all night with this guy...he got blinded out and in desperation had to make a call he didn't want to. He was literally unreadable. The other player worth mentioning was a player who flew in from Ireland named Paddy “All in” Mahon. The poor guy had more bad beats than the last Michael Jackson album. There was nothing he could do but sit in stunned disbelief at watching very strong hands get destroyed all night. Very unlucky night. He vowed next time to bring a box of Lucky Charms cause their magically delicious. All in all it was great poker and a great atmosphere."

Clint “Bobcat” Oris has borrowed the money to promote the first Virgin Summer Poker Invitational and will be hosting it in London, England where some stadiums have suddenly been freed up as the MJ summer tour has been cancelled. "Yeah, we got some great deals on stadiums for the tournament. Normally we would be at a casino but it only cost us a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes to rent the 20,000 seat 02 arena. I know a guy, that's how come!"

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Since MJ Mania everyone is fixated on the entire spectacle unfolding and we decided to print the following quote. "This is it. These will be my final shows in London. This is it. I mean it, because, I don't know," Jackson said without elaborating."I will be performing the songs my fans want to hear. This is the final curtain call," Jackson said, followed by a chorus of boos from the crowd. After his brief comments, he thrust his right arm into the air several times, making a peace sign." WTF?

Commissioner Kline, once again bloodthirsty for the spotlight, called a press conference but since every station is stuck like one giant broken record playing reruns of Michael Jackson videos, it was quickly cancelled. "I can't believe it. A pedophile skizo dies who lost track of reality a loooong time ago and hasn't looked in a mirror for a long time. I feel for the guy, paying off that many parents isn't cheap and imagine what they would have done to him in jail had he been convicted. Do you remember that scene from the Wizard of Oz where the flying monkeys attack the scarecrow and tear out all his straw? Yeah something like that!

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The plastic surgeon who made a fortune turning Michael into a freakish monster out of some horror movie should be shot along with that doctor who fertilized that Octo lady. This car wreck of a human being has eaten up my marketing time! Damn it all. Yes I was a closet Michael Jackson fan back in the day and yes the thriller video gave me nightmares. It was that voice of Vincent Price, probably the biggest pedophile in the universe's voice that gave me the chills. My testes still shrivel up into itty bitty marbels when I think about it. I didn't even know Michael wore make-up in that video until this fiasco!"

Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan is looking forward to the VSP Invitational. "I've never actually been sober on a Saturday night. Wow. This is going to be different. I'm not sure I'm even going to like these guys sober. I heard about Smith taking down a sizable pot and am pretty sure I am the reason he learned to play better. I still remember the good ole' Smith Collapse. It still feels like yesterday when he would chase a flush on the river with all is chips just to lose his wad to a monster hand. The real reason he bettered his game, I taught him the greatest rule of all in poker - always always ALWAYS BULLSHIT and TAKE NO PRISONERS!" Stewie has been working as a snake milker in the offseason. "I actually thought they had little teets! If you ever get bitten by a poisonous snake you'll be grateful. I'm responsible for getting the venom out of snakes to make the anti-venom." Once again, WTF?

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Ronny “Big Daddy” Gold was quoted recently as saying "Since 1995, Jackson and Sony/ATV Music Publishing have jointly owned most of the Beatles songs. I just want to take a sad song and make it better by cashing in. I intend to purchase the rights in order to Michael to afford his own funeral which should cost approximately $20 million. The diamond studded casket alone is worth a million. Who says you can't take it with you? Michael has. The house? It's coming along. Several of the bathrooms have been built and the outter walls are up. No, no children on the way yet. No, there's no pressure now that my friends are having children...my wife said what? Okay Julius, interviews over. Hey, get my wife on the phone now and call the pharmacist immediately."

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We recently had an announcement that John "Tsunami" Smith had served time for a DUI that involved a stolen spider monkey, two transvestites and a midget dressed as a goat. Apparently the three day drinking binge ended up as a failed attempt at recreating the bachelor's nightout in "Hangover".

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Smith actually crossed the border in a rented Smart Car at Niagara Falls Canada with his goat suited midget and was finally charged with impaired as he tried to drive through a Macdonalds. The Spider Monkey and transvestites were later found gagged and bound in a seedy motel not far from the fast food restaurant. When I say through, I mean he went straight through the front door and slammed into an oven full of Big Mac's. Smith had this to say, "I never did make it to Vegas, it was a valiant effort but damn...I was soooo wasted. Why did I steal a spider monkey from the Buffalo Zoo? I needed something that wouldn't eat me and could cuddle with Larry the Midget. They were transvestites? Damn...I thought I picked up two hookers for a three way. That would have been some crazy scene out of the "Crying Game", thank God they arrested me when they did."

Article by Julius Goat WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist

Author of, "I Don't Remember the Past 10 years and Who Are These People Living in My House."
Sponsored by Doritos, Pepsi, Warren Buffet, Tea House Cookies and Redbull

MNPL Receives New Sponsorship Deal

MNPL® Receives New Sponsorship Deal

http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online

LAS VEGAS - Due to the fact that the 2008 -2009 season was such a major hit among younger fans of Texas Hold Em’, Pepsi has decided to step up to the plate and ensure their brand is associated with the superior marketing machine now known as the MNPL®. After many locked door sessions between the league owners and Vice President of Marketing for Pepsico Int., Carlos Fitzenburn relented and allowed the P to stand for Poker instead of Pepsi in the league name.

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline was quoted as saying that “After June 21st we’ll be switching our focus to the Aruba Poker Classic, the ultimate island poker tournament. We have already started qualifying players through STEPS but will be adding a ton of other qualifiers in the upcoming weeks. AND, we will be offering another $10M bonus to players for the continuation of the 10th Anniversary celebration. Stay tuned for details on that.”

Although this cost the league millions commissioner Kline was quick to comment, “In order to maintain the integrity of the game, we had to keep the word poker in our name. To do anything else would be selling out. We also have some meetings with RIM next week so to rule out any bids Jim Balsillie might make to name the league the MNBL would be premature.” Kline was wearing a Pepsi T-shirt, a Mountain Dew hat and a brand new pair of Reeboks with the Pepsi logo emblazoned on the toes during the interview.

Balsillie's right-hand man, lawyer Richard Rodier, was in Vegas for preliminary talks with the MNPL® now that the NHL ruling has slowed their case to a crawl. Rodier remarked out loud that John “Warren Buffet” Smith bore a striking resemblance to very overweight ex-NHLer Eric Lindros. “If Lindros pretty much let himself go, drank fifty pints of beer every weekend for ten years and forgot how to wipe his own ass, this guy could be his twin!” Rodier then asked if Smith was a hockey fan, presumably to reinforce the Balsillie camp's belief that no one in California cares about the sport or whether its NHL team takes the high dive or not. Not realizing that Smith was actually a player at one point and not some typical American lining up at the trough at one of Vegas’ largest buffets, he was shocked to learn that Smith had actually played hockey prior to his ice-cracking weight issues and knew a lot about the sport.

With a large number of donations hitting the league and official sponsorship hats, pens, key chains and clocks to be placed on display at all MNPL® sanctioned events, it has some players a little fizzed off. Get it, soda is fizzy! Get it. Oh don’t start with that attitude again! Commissioner Kline is taking league marketing to the next level. With the Pride Parade hitting Toronto this weekend, Kline will be flying back to Toronto to spend some time on the MNPL® pink poker float. “It’s an idea my wife had. She caught me watching some Tranny porn at home, I had accidentally Googled “Brazilian Lady Boys” and she said, how come you haven’t tapped into the enormous Gay market?” I said, hey, why not decided to build a party poker float for the parade in Toronto this weekend. We did some practising this week to ensure everyone had the correct marketing gear and I’ve included a photo op of the practise we had. I’m the one on the bottom left. I had a great time and I was surprised to find that they all love poker and long walks on nude beaches!”

The MNPL® , which is now owned and operated by Kline and Mastrovich Entertainment International Inc., is pleased to announce that it has secured a deal with WestJet Airlines to offer discounts to its members on airfare to cities hosting major MNPL® events. The offer will give players a 4% discount on airfares during the event window of major MNPL® poker tournaments. To qualify to receive the promo codes, players must be members of the MNPL® Players Card program. The MNPL® is also securing a deal with various airlines to provide discounts to players from Afghanistan including Taliban fighters wishing to play in Canadian events who are willing to part with their favorite goat as payment.

As seen in the official photographs taken by our professional photographer, the injection of capital in the already expanding league is only going to grow the league into international markets. The MNPL® is a privately owned Canadian company but satellites are now appearing as far away as Afghanistan as Taliban fighters have decided to trade goats for poker sets after seeing the WSOP.

The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: Phil Helmuth – “I had just won a $2,000 pot the hand before (finally!), when I looked down at the Ah-Qh and decided to raise it up the maximum before the flop. Thus, after three others called $5 apiece, I called the $5 bet and raised it up $35 more (making it $40 to go); I had to smile at the craziness of the game as seven of us took the flop. The flop was 10h-7h-4s, four players checked to me, I bet out $100, and a total of four players called the $100 bet. The next card off was the Jd, and now Brian Hetzel bet out $450. Two players folded, I called, and the remaining player folded. The last card was the 4h (10h-7h-4s-Jd-4h) Hetzel checked, and I studied for about 30 seconds before I bet out $850. Hetzel called, I showed him my ace high flush, and then he said, “Nice hand,” and I collected the hefty $3,380 pot.”

The Doritos Off-Season Interviews
Clint “Tournament Rep” Oris has recently been fined an undisclosed amount of money by the League owners for attempting to lure players from the MNPL® to a new hybrid form of poker that on weekends that also includes random betting on various sporting events. “This league not only fulfills my addiction to calling all in’s with donkey hands but it also allows me to win big bets like when I picked Pittsburgh to win against Detroit and won $5000 from the Juice. That doesn’t even cover all the debt I have to that bastard but it sure helps.” Clint has also been working with researches to turn goat piss into gasoline but so far the research team has come up short. When asked how that would help the worlds’ massive appetite for fossil fuels he said, “I also have an idea of how to turn the moon into on big giant goat farm. They have to learn to eat rocks.” Clint, just a final question, were you using any illicit drugs when you conjured up these ideas?” “Uh...how did you know?” Interview over.

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller has just lost his seventh consecutive mixed martial arts fight and had to have his chin replaced. Eon shares the same agent as Rickey Hatton. Hatton was taken to hospital following his two-round demolition by Filipino Pacquiao at the start of May and was handed a bunch of easy wins over journeymen like Bookseller to pad his record. Chuck 'The Iceman' Liddell said that Booksellers’ career was over before it got started. He’s gutsy I’ll give him that but I’ve seen dead cows in a meat locker fight better and suggests that Eon hang up his gloves. “I don’t how good a piece of meat hanging from a hook can fight but I’ll take that as a compliment. I think poker is my calling, but I had to test myself against the best. Sure I’ll miss the dimple on my chin but hey, at least I tried.” What keeps you busy during the off season besides training? “I like to walk around Costco and eat their free snacks. I also decided to head downtown to smell the garbage this week as it piles up from the strike. Nothing like laughing at Torontonians when you hail from clean, tidy, pointy white hat Newmarket.

Ronny “Big Daddy” Gold has just purchased his new home. A 14,000 square foot light-flooded luxury mansion with a fantastic view of the historic town of Thornhill. This luxury Villa Finca with four pools boasts stunning highway views. The home required a 50% down payment of $10 million and has monthly maintenance costs of $6,622. He boasted that the estimated monthly payment on this beauty would be just over $73,000. When asked why he changed his mind about living in a condo for the rest of his life, Big Daddy answered, “I wanted to live in a condo for the rest of my life and then my wife made me realize that I didn’t really like that.” Ronny is well known to love the word Gold which brings him good luck. He lives at 233 Gold Lane, his dog is named Goldy, the house was built by Gold Homes Inc. and his wife, whom he loves more than himself, has also decided to change her last name to Gold...sometime in the future. Will he be returning for his third season to the poker spotlight...he said simply, “If I am allowed to!”

Boris “I’m Depressed” Gaudio has been seeing a psychologist since the end of the season as has yet to replace the Monday night “high” he experienced during the season. “At first I went through some withdrawal. I found myself playing online poker for hours on free sites. I would take about goats with my friends at work telling jokes about sucking Jessica Alba’s cock and they just looked at me with these stunned and confused expressions. I felt alienated and alone and decided to seek some professional help. There has been a lot of tears and some bumps in the road but I think I’m finally pulling the pieces back together from my shattered social scene. It’s not easy being a scary looking version of Chewbacca, some kids run when they see all my hair. I’ve resorted to watching hours of television including shows I wouldn’t even normally watch. I miss da guys…my psychologist just gets me…but she charges more than a hooker would and I don’t even get a hand job…WTF? Giddedy Giggedy Giggedy!”

Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich has been spending more and more time wandering around Toys R Us looking for things to buy his son since returning from his retreat. This behaviour is also known as nesting by mental health experts but unfortunately this store has been causing more issues than not. When The Juice needed to ask a question to an employee and couldn’t find one, he started smashing random toys over small defenceless children’s heads.

Security was soon brought in to remove him from the premises and one the gaurds said, “Yeah, the dude bit me! He actually bit me! I can’t believe he used a He-Man doll to hit that poor kid. His mother was a wildcat. She attacked him immediately and the Juice just back handed her across the face. She was stunned, we were all stunned. Then I tried to taze the 260 pound bully but the police arrested him. A cop was there buying a sand box for his kid and came out of nowhere. They dragged him out by his feet and all he kept screaming was “let me speak to a manager...I want a RAINCHECK!! You people are to blame! I DID NOTHING WRONG!”

Although there is much concern for the Juice who seems to be shuffling back and forth between denial and anxiety attacks, he has still managed to provide Vegas odds on when his first born child will enter the world. Smith took three days post due date for five to one odds. Kline took an even numbered day for two to one odds and Oris has once again defied logic by picking siamese twins being born on the due date at 1000-1 odds. Oris had this to say - “Hey, if the ultra-sound was wrong, I’m a millionaire!” Mrs. Mastrovich refused comment when asked about her husbands betting on their own child...”Leave me alone, you people are stooopid!"

John “Warren Buffet” Smith recently caused the collapse of the Spring rally after he moved around some stocks he had from very conservative short term investments such as stocks and bonds into to riskier ventures including commodities. “No one saw this coming. I wish…no I beg of you Smith, call me before you decide the shake the market. Don’t you know that when the emperor enters Rome, everyone knows it and is waiting...except ME!!!! Damn it all Smith!” Said Tal The Juice Mastrovich who was nearly in tears as we spoke to him in Spokaine Washington where he was at a men’s retreat mentally preparing himself for fatherhood. “I’m about to be a father…my GOD! I’m about to be a FATHER! Give me that beer back, there’s still a sip! Yeah, my wife and I argued about circumcision and the whole Jewish Bris ceremony. I don’t think she really gets it. Just pulling it back doesn’t count as being circumcised.”

Smith had this to say, “I’m so glad I decided to become aggressive as the market is low. I love shaking the cherry bush. I am saddened and appalled that when I tried to perform my first Mitsvah, it was shot down. I had two tickets to Game 7 in hand. I WOULD HAVE SEEN THE CUP HOISTED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN PERSON!! The Juice has stolen a dream from me, one I can never get back. The greatest upset in Stanley Cup history and I missed it cause the Juice is saving for a pack of soothers and a diaper genie. Fuck me KANADA! So the tickets cost a lot of money. Big deal. I would have given my left testicle to get to that game and what do I get? He’s having dinner with his buddies Friday night. So much for the teachings of the Talmudic rabbis. Hey, is that where Tal gets his name?”

We have heard Mr. Smith that you have been sober for a month now, does that mean you’ve become a monk or is there an underlying reason that you’ve slowed the degenerative disease known as alcoholism? “Well, to be honest, it’s more of a health issue. My ticker might explode at any moment. I am super morbidly obese and it’s not much fun at all. I need to reshape my gelatinous assbasket and I did some calculations, I’ll lose fifty pounds of puckered orange peel fat pockets just by not drinking. Insane in the membrane! I woke up Saturday morning after missing my first night of drinking in eighteen years and thought a midget was in my bed. I looked closer and this little boy with curly hair was snoring beside me. I woke up my wife, said what the hell is this? She replied, “That is your son Lucius!” Then I realized there are a lot of advantages to being sober. I just found out I have a son! I HAVE A SON!” Mr. Smith began spinning around on the floor like Homer Simpson and ended up taking a layer of skin off his left thigh and was rushed to the hospital for a skin graph. Cartoon celebrations really aren’t safe.

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has become a scratch golfer over the years and spends the off season playing a lot of holes. He recently turned 30 as well. “I feel great. I’m the youngest commissioner in any Poker league. I know how Crosby feels winning the Stanley Cup and being the youngest Captain ever. I’m the Captain of this ship and steering how I want, when I want and who I want to do it with has been an amazing adventure. Well, no it’s not exactly like winning the Stanley Cup…okay, it’s nothing like winning the Stanley Cup, there I said it, are you happy. What? You heard that I barbecue like a blind folded retarded kid whose smoked a giant bong? Who told you that? My wife never complains. No, she’s nothing like Hellen Keller…she’s my everything…how dare you! This interview is over Mr. Goat and I hope your lawyer isn’t too busy next week because he will be hearing from me if you print this slanderous tripe. I keep you on the inside to do one job and one job only, make me sound smart. Oh, you want a raise do you? Are you trying to blackmail me? Have you seen what’s going on around you in these tumultuous times! Hey, where did you get those pictures? No, I was wearing a bathing suit on that two man raft… oh…oh no. How much do you need to make this go away?”

Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan has been off the radar for some time. Since he spun out a formula one race car doing training laps in Morocco he hasn’t been the same. “Did you see that movie with Will Farrell? No, not the one where he plays Frank the Tank running naked and alone down the centre lane of his hometown after downing a keg by himself. No, he plays a race car driver that gets scared after a near death experience. Well, I don’t really feel like that at all, I’m too busy preparing to open my new Chinese Pirate buffet restaurant called Thuty Fo Fitty. Did you know that Pirate is considered a language? Look it up!” We heard recently that you missed your brother in laws 30th birthday and wondered if you were trying to send a message. “Fuck you I was there...I just hung outside a lot, can’t take those crowds. What was the address? I know the address you dumbass. Yeah well I was there so git ti fuck before I giv ya a wee Glasgow kiss! Ye be”er ea’ bu”er or I’ll ba”er yer face!

Translation - (You better eat butter or I’ll batter (punch) your face!)

Tune in for more event updates as we look forward to next season.

Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, I Lost My House on A Bad Bead!!
Sponsored by Doritos, Diet Pepsi, Warren Buffet, Tea House Cookies and Redbull