Mitsubishi offers free goat

Mitsubishi offers free goat
22 May 2009
In a drive to help the rural community stave off the recession, Mitsubishi Motors is supporting primary productivity by offering a free goat with every new Triton sold before August.“We firmly believe that New Zealand’s recovery is in the hands of the rural sector and they’re the people who are buying our utes,” said MMNZ general manager of sales and marketing Peter Wilkins. “Goats, like our Tritons, are hardy, versatile units, which will integrate directly into existing farm operations”.“Goats improve farm productivity by providing an environmentally friendly defence against noxious weeds and they’re a lot cheaper than toxic sprays”.“Goats also provide export commodities that can help improve our balance of payments. They grow a fine micron fleece, much like the renowned Merino, which can be used to produce high-quality garments. Goat’s milk provides a nutritious alternative for the growing number of lactose intolerant people and while goat meat is seldom featured in Western restaurants, developing countries consume vast quantities,” said Mr Wilkins.“And, most importantly, there is no such thing as Goat Flu – so no threat to tourism. It’s hard to see a downside,” he added.“At MMNZ, we are aware that three years of drought has severely depleted sheep and beef populations, so what better time to ‘float the goat’?” said Mr Wilkins. “We’ll supply a free goat with every Triton sold before August and do our bit to loosen the grip of the recession”. “On the off chance that the purchaser already has enough goats or feels that goat herding is better left to those in drier climes, we’ll supply a ‘no goat package’ consisting of a five-year/100,000km extended warranty, five free WOF inspections, 5,000km road user charges, five years of roadside assistance and $500 of genuine or approved Triton accessories,” Mr Wilkins said.

SM (Stewie MacDoogan) Edinburgh Challenge Poker Report - Tuesday May 19th 2009

Brandon “Grand Master Melimel” Wins First MNPL® Tournament as New Doritos Sponsorship Deal Imminent

http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online

With the Poker season winding down for the summer and as golf clubs get dusted off, newbie Brandon “Grand Master Melimel” won a nice $70,000 pot that will pay for a few sushi dinners with his fiancé Pokohontes! “I beat the Juice like a rented mule and folded him up like a lawn chair. I slapped the freckles off his face.” I’m not sure that he has any freckles Brandon? “Whatever, it’s just a saying. I’ve caused my first ever dreaded Smith Collapse and I’m very happy with my play as of late. I’ve been able to bring my game to the next level. A shame all these veterans can’t keep up with a young upstart online player like myself. The $50 dollar satellite tournaments are the bane of their existence.” The tournament was held at Edinburgh castle looking over Princess street in Scotland. In attendance were many Scottish entertainment elites like Sean Connery, Annie Lennox and Billy Connolly.

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline was up $10,000 at the end of the tournament, however he was clearly disappointed with the violation of the poker rules near the end of the tournament and threatened to revoke people's cards and poker licenses. Now Kline and his colleagues will report the case to the disciplinary committee, which will have to decide whether the athletes can be sanctioned because they refused to follow the rules. When contacted, a judge at the MNPL® Poker federation refused to discuss the facts and could not explain why the athletes had suddenly decided to play by their own rules. “It’s unsound and they should be hung and quartered.”

Kline had this to say. “I’m sorry but I’ve been a bit distracted as of late and haven’t received a final ruling on the fines for random punching. I’ve been focusing my efforts on the Vancouver Olympics. I’ve been voted in as the commissioner of the Prostitution Alternatives Counselling and Education Society. Vancouver sex-trade workers need to know their rights when dealing with cameras and reporters and will be offered media training ahead of the 2010 Olympic Games. They are located in Vancouver's notorious Downtown Eastside and we will be holding the training sessions in November. We just want our members to feel safe. Media attention to the area can be a little less than compassionate and we don't want them to feel like animals in a zoo. We just want (the sex-trade workers) to be aware of what their rights are around media, including the fact that it is legal for the media to take pictures of them on a public street," Kline also noted he has purchased a brand new camera with military grade night vision lenses.

The Doritos Hand of the Night: Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan beat the Calculator for the hand of the night... Joseph has AH and 10C. Stewie has 7H and something else.... Flop is. 9H 10H and JH. The Calculator checks down...stewart says come on 8H is normal bullsh*& style and sure enough 8H comes. Joseph with the nut flush – hearts suited and Stew with a straight flush. Last card is a QC. Stewart goes for $50,000 more and Joseph calls and goes down with the nut flush. Overall Stew loses $20,000.

Interviews With the Stars
Clint “I Saved My Balls” Oris was a basket case this week after his girlfriend actually tried to remove his testicles which has been a running joke. Clint woke up and noticed his girlfriend with a pair of hedge cutters leaning over his naked frame and has filed a class action law suit against her even though he is an individual. She said she was going to cut his engorged toenails which have been shredding their sheets for years. Clint was so upset he got hammered to the point where he was in a show down with The Juice and as The Juice was contemplating the all in, Clint graciously showed him his cards. Ouch...not so much fun when you show and tell before the other players call. Clint was up $10,000 despite his best efforts to drown himself in Crown Royal. In an effort to support his gambling habit, Clint was washing cars before the game and in order to get a bigger turn out he stripped down to his wife beater (even though he is the one in the relationship who gets beaten/whipped). “It clearly didn’t work. I washed three cars and made fifteen bucks. The soap and bucket cost more than that. What a waste of time. FACK!”

Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan says he loves cottage creamers. “That’s when a girls discharge is clumpy.” According to Urban Dictionary. We are not sure how this is relative but we do believe in free speech. Next Monday on May 25th will more than likely be the last stop on the 2008-2009 MNPL® tour. Stewie had this to say since he will be hosting once again. “Please note that Mr. MacDoogan will be on a rampage trying to avenge his dirty river beats over the past year.........so be worried!!! Joseph don't worry I'll let you sit to the left of me this week.”

Steep “Weekend At Bernies” Kline was a last minute fill in and quickly discovered that Clint was driving without insurance. That said, since Steep is a part time bouncer and mall cop and behind in his imaginary quota, Steep took a TV time out to issue Clint a $5,000 ticket that in no way would ever be considered a real ticket but no one wants to piss off a mall cop bouncer do they? Steep ended up losing $40,000 in total losses which included being on the losing end of a Kline vs Kline battle. Doesn’t anyone know Joseph Kline never bluffs! After losing this amount of money, many MNPL® players are concerned that Steep, who actually has a gun license, could return to seek vengeance. Having a blood relation to the commissioner is a moot point. Stayed tuned to find out which of the players might be gunned down next week.

Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich performed his first ever Smith Collapse losing $20,000. Tal and his anonymous business partner however made $20,000 from playing on Clint Oris’s addiction and inability to make decent, profitable bets. “There are two kinds of gamblers, fools and thieves. I know which kind I am and I know the kind of better that Clint is” Said the Juice after pocketing the extra cash. “I’m glad my other endeavours are earning some bucks. I have to pay for the patio, someone to put together my crib and for a whole bunch of crap that babies need. My wife keeps bugging...touch my belly...touch my belly. There’s an alien inside there! I’m not touching that! He’s probably smoking cigars and counting cash already, I’ve been playing those subliminal tapes by strapping a ghetto blaster to her belly at night. I usually sedate my wife so she doesn’t know. It’s amazing. All these people get all excited about a baby. He just better not disappoint me. The worst thing I can imagine is him going bankrupt. Marrying a black girl, being gay or not attending university. Who cares! Just don’t ever go BANKRUPT. Little Igor, oh do I have plans for you!”

Boris “Forest Gump” Gaudio was upbeat about losing only $30,000 this week. Why he is still trying to make it on the poker scene is anyone’s guess. Boris did have a winning night by dominating the half time show (played after the game because of TV scheduling issues) of his famous Forest Gump ping pong styling’s. “He’s like playing a backboard, he never misses.” Said the Juice after being manhandled by Boris. Gaudio is also looking ahead to the Vancouver Olympics where he will compete against Rong Guotuan who won the men's singles gold at the 25th table tennis worlds in 1959 - the first world championship event won by someone in China – he is revered as a national hero. Unsurprisingly, the Chinese team scooped almost all the medals at the recent 49th World Table Tennis Championships in Yokohama, Japan this year. However, rather than cheering the victory, China's sports officials, media and public now see the country's dominance in table tennis as a bad thing. A senior Chinese sports official called the dominance in the sport "a failure" - because it has become a one-country show. Kind of like Canada and hockey. Boris says he is going to turn all that around. “I will be ready for the next poker-pong tournament. However, I would like the ping pong tournament to be better organized. Playing a wasted Stew and Clint at ping pong was about as much fun as having John Smith sit on my face (nice image, isn't it). With their wasted eyes, they actually looked like Chinese ping pong players but without any of the skill.”

Ronny “The Wonder Kid” Gold who is still looking for a big win this season has fallen behind on the hosting end. He was in Brussels this week at the Belgian bodybuilding championships. They were cancelled after all competitors fled when they thought doping officials showed up. Ronny Gold likes to bring an entourage and they may have been mistaken for Doping officials. When Gold arrived at the event 20 bodybuilders were weighing in and preparing themselves. Gold and his entourage got the surprise of their lives. The competitors all just got up and left, preferring to quit the event rather than submit to what they thought would be doping tests, some grabbing their gear and heading straight out the door. "They must have been flabbergasted. Bodybuilders usually take months to prepare for such championships, yet the sight of Gold and his party was evidently too much for them.” said a bystander who was on the scene. "I have never seen anything like it and hope never to see anything like it again," Gold said. He says the sport has a history of doping "and this incident didn't do its reputation any good." Minutes before the start, it left organizers with no option but to tell a few hundred fans that had come to the Arsenal theatre that there was no point in staying, having not seen a single gleaming pose. Damn...what a shame.

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was up North this weekend on a much needed vacation. The fourth in three months. He was looking for a bike to continue his unprecedented weight loss. “Running can be hard on the knees for those overweight. That said, there are bikes designed for heavier people. Kona designs bikes for "Athenas" – the female term for Clydesdales so I am starting there. I am curious to see if they have a man bike for heavier men called the “The Husky – for big boned men who can’t fit their asses on a normal bike.” I have also read that it's probably worthwhile to get hand-built wheels with a higher spoke count to be stronger. A decent slick will run around 1000 psi and should be fine to hold my girth.”

John “Sober” Smith was off this week and no one has seen him since he fell into the Polar Bear exhibit at the Toronto Zoo. Instead of being made into a throw toy for the bears, one of the females seemed to have adopted him and carried him by his neck-skin into her lair where she attempted to feed him using her giant furry white pancake nipples. When that didn’t work she tried to feed him scraps of raw fish. Onlookers said Smith began to vomit after she pawed a Salmon head into his gaping maw. The female became agitated and finally decided to regurgitate her food as a means of providing for her new cub. Smith immediately fainted and the mother bear sat licking his body which in turn tore off the shorts and t-shirt he was wearing. Small children and females began screaming and immediately fled the scene. His naked morbidly obese body hasn’t been recovered from the lair yet as several female polar bears have become very aggressive in protecting the Smith cub. We are not sure how this will affect him mentally but some fear he may become accustomed to the lavish lifestyle a male polar bear is accustomed to as the females do all the hunting, cub rearing and are the sole providers. What the public doesn’t know is that he married Italian so the Polar Bear will have a fight on her hands!

Article by Julius Goat and Joseph Kline

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called,

Why Do Goats Lick Your Balls with Peanut Butter Covering Them?
Sponsored by Doritos, Pepsi, Greenpeace and Loving Comfort Adult Diapers


Details of Sponsorship deal

From: Alan and Grace Smith
Hi Sheri,

As the commissioner of the league and I quite honestly overjoyed and kicking my heels this morning. Remember Mary Poppins when Dick Van Dyke was singing and jumping around with his chimney sweep? Maybe, maybe not but that's me today. I'm just waiting for the Kool Aid man to blast through my wall and say "Oh, Yeah!"

On behalf of the entire MNPL (Monday Night Poker League) I would like to say thank you for at least considering this email and understanding our desperate need to be heard across cyberspace and to be appreciated by our beloved brands.

We have been turned down by Crown Royal so far and have sent them emails stating that we are no longer sponsored by them even though we secretly still sneak in a bottle on Monday night!

We are dorito-holics and can't just have one chip. We feel that this doesn't impede our ability to function in our daily lives except for Smith...he's on weight watchers and has to somehow manage to work in some carrots during the game to fill him up. Smith has a weight issue and if you send shirts...he's almost a triple X...the rest of us are large. If you send pens...send seven...if you send a letter, here are the names of the players:

Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich - known for high interest rates when lending money

John "Dumb Drunk" Smith who just got out of rehab and is trying to pull himself together. He was born in Jamaica on a Doobie farm and has been in trouble ever since. He has been the most consistent winner this season but it has to be attributed to his inability to distinguish between good and bad beats. He just bets randomly so no one can figure him out. A mixture of Crown Royal and Dorritos has to be the cause.

Stewie "King BullSh*t" MacDoogan who is difficult to read as he is constantly bluffing. He won the caber toss in Edinburgh in 2004.

Ronny "The Wonder Kid" Gold who is as useless as teets on a bull in poker but we let him play to finance the pot - even though he's not Scottish he quite freely gives up his money to us.

Boris "The Pervert" Gaudio - the Italian stalion who loves adult movies and speaks freely of how he is given birth to fourteen beautiful children...he is catholic Italian.

Clint “I Survived Terrorists” Oris - who owed money to the Juice was pulled into a van recently by men with balliclavas...he thinks it was terrorists but it was Juice's men threatening him to pay his debts.

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller is an artist in bed. Master of the G we call him. He owns a black belt in the art of making love. A class act and a friend you would bring home to mom - as long as she is happily married and in a trusting love filled relationship.

Bruce “Grey Goose” Heimenschlotterer is a newbie and has of yet not won a tournament.

Here is my mailing address - we look forward to updating the blog with the "DORITOS HAND OF THE NIGHT" for our first (hopefully) official sponsor!
My mailing address is,
96 Glenhaven Street
Toronto Ontario
M6M 35M
647 883 3418

Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL League Commissioner
C.A.

-----Original Message-----
From: Morgan, Sheri {PEP} [mailto:Sheri.Morgan@pepsico.com]
Sent: Tuesday, May 19, 2009 3:07 PM

Hi Joseph,

Can you please send me your address? I have a note from the Doritos brand team and a token of our appreciation, however you didn't include a mailing address in your original message.
Thanks!
Sheri

Sheri Morgan
Manager, PepsiCo Foods Canada Communications PepsiCo Canada http://ca.mc883.mail.yahoo.com/mc/compose?to=sheri.morgan@pepsico.com (Note New Email!)

From:

To Whom it May Concern,

I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek. We consume on average at least 180 Bags Doritos a year and on a good Monday we can destroy four bags. In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such devoted consumers such as our MNPL team. Even a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends and allies and would be an amazing thing to do. I have contacted the Toronto Sales Office but was only able to leave a voice message.

It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from consuming your products if you don't at least respond but we do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you. In order to continue with your brand I would think your company would at least consider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn't just a filter for emails.

I would sincerely hope you will reconsider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR
group that can provide a mock letter that says you fully endorse our MNPL game and make us happy little chip consumers!

Our blog is http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ and so far is read weekly by approximately 12 people. We feel we have to start somewhere!

Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL League Commissioner
C.A.

EB International Tournament of Champions Report - Tuesday May 12th 2009

“Kline Back in the Drivers Seat"

http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online

What a night! The Single-table tournament – ring style – Texas Hold Em No Limit Tournament of Champions saw the biggest turn out of the season and the largest pot ever on the line. The tournament had more buy-ins’ than a Mexican Taco stand in LA selling burritos for a penny. It was amazing. “We’ve never played a tournament North of the 49th parallel and I wasn’t sure the big names would come. They had to make it extra special so when they offered a private jet and caviar, I couldn’t say no. From shrimp rings to the best dip in the history of chip dip to a fully stocked bar and adult movie entertainment, this was by far the most fun I’ve had at an MNPL® event. Yes I did fly out on the red eye but hey, the ladies serving cocktails also serviced me with a happy ending - sometimes you have to go big or go home.” Said Ronny “The Wonder Kid” Gold who is still looking for a big win this season.

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline’s released a statement today regarding the use of shrimp rings at MNPL® sanctioned events. “Shrimp rings are banned by Green Peace who have jumped on board recently as a sponsor. When you buy a shrimp ring you get the following - tropical shrimp, endangered sea turtles, other marine fish, potable water stolen from coastal communities, mangrove forests that provide homes for other marine species, antibiotics, pesticides, over a billion cubic metres of toxic waste discharge, viruses, a few sprigs of corruption and human rights abuses, and some cocktail sauce. Originally we thought this was a great idea but after reviewing the evidence from the tree hugging left wing pinkos we have decided to put a hold on them until our board of directors and MNPL® Disciplinarian Colin Campbell review the video replays. Vice President of media relations Seymour Butts was in Hawaii reviewing his latest video release and was not available for comment.

The Calculator was jovial and in a great mood this week after the league introduced two new sponsors, Green Peace and The Cole Clinic. Kline also took first place in the IB International winning the $500,000 first prize after almost getting stopped at the border when he set off radiation alerts. Once his car was searched and the “suspicious” stains in his backseat turned out to be traces of a natural substance he was set free. “I recently visited Xytex International (US sperm bank) and my sample accidentally overflowed. Who knew I was radioactive? Twelve hundred years ago, the Danes spread their genes in Britain by rape and occupation. Now they are taking a less confrontational approach: a Danish sperm bank Crysos (the world's largest sperm bank) is stocking up large amounts of semen ready to flood the British market when sperm donation rules are changed next year so I thought I would do my part. Cryos, whose motto is “We keep the stork busy”, hopes to take advantage of a likely sperm shortage in June 2009, when sperm donors in Britain lose their anonymity, meaning any children that they beget will be able to trace them. Personally, I don’t like the taste of it at all. Xytex is holding a 'clearance sale' of sperm from prolific donors like me my goal is a world full of Klines. Is that so wrong?”

Interviews With the Stars

Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan was in second place which turned out to be a three way tie with Mr. Oris and Mr. Smith. “I was simply trying to avoid another Smith Collapse and was able to hold onto my chips. I made some extra chips when I punched Oris which resulted in a broken orbital bone. When they told me that it would only be a $2600 fine, I threw in some white chips and knocked him out. It felt good and you will see more violence until they realize the fines are too low. What’s a couple of white chips when I can bloodlet on the other competitors. He’s lucky I didn’t give him a Glasgow kiss, a head butt to the yap would have caused considerable damage!” Yes, the Gimp is Scottish and he once won the Caber Toss in the Glasgow Highland Games in 2004.

Clint “I Survived Terrorists” Oris was once again on the defensive after almost losing an eye. He played tough and was able to once again dig out from under a 40,000 deficit to come back and win his bankroll back plus and nifty $400,000. “I couldn’t see through half the game and it actually helped my game. I will be appealing the league to provide stiffer penalties for random punching incidents but if Colin Campbell only penalizes Scott Walker from the Bruins a meazly $2600, how can he change the fines for the MNPL®? I’ll be seeing my lawyer once again after a considerable settlement I received for slander. My plastic surgeon is coming back from Brazil tomorrow where he regularly changes men into lady boys so I should be able to get repaired before the next tournament. Stewie, keep your head up. You know what’s funny, I make more money on side bets and settlements from poker than purses. The Juice knows that 2000-1 odds on Sergie Federov scoring a goal in the Vancouver series in the final minutes is a bet I tend to take. What? Federov wasn’t in that game? Hey......!”

John “Sober” Smith was recently released from rehab and continued his streak of landing in the winner’s circle once again. “I have finally paid back the money I owe my kids from their piggy banks. It feels good to be out of debt. I credit my new found lucky streak to Daniel Negraneau. I carry a picture of him in my wallet for good luck. I love that commercial where he ducks out of the way of the two hockey players with pocket kings. It just goes to show that you should NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF A DOG FIGHT! After the tournament I hitchhiked back to my motel and made a chocolate caste of my body. The front and back. Now I can finally eat my own ass. It took a few hours for the melted chocolate to dry. It was truly amazing. I never knew I was that small down there either, it’s been years since I’ve seen Mr. Happy. I was very concerned playing sober for the first time, normally I am so hammered I can’t remember my name and I usually shituke when I get home so it was nice to get up at a reasonable hour. I had no idea my daughter eats Cheerios? Who knew? I am also a little sore from the anal cavity search at the border. How Fluffy got there is anyone’s guess? Thank God I didn’t break any laws, Fluffy was still breathing...and scratching...mmm.”


Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich was blistered and broken and was silent through most of the tournament. “I’ve never had to do manual labour? It’s ridiculous? Why would anyone want to actually do that! My wife said it would be good for me and I might learn something. I think she is secretly trying to hurt me. I’m so tired right now I can’t hold up my eyelids. I had to steer the car home last night with my tongue and couldn’t even raise my hand to wind down the window. Oh, one last thing, I had the worst cards in history last night. I miss my Kings. Did anyone else notice Smith pulling it under the table to the porn? Oh, and was he serious about going to Afghanistan? Is it really legal to do that to a goat there? Is there any decency left in this world?”

Bruce “Grey Goose” Heimenschlotterer was a man of few words. His pre-flop monster raises caught up to him when his queens were squashed by Stewie and he was sent packing. As a first timer to the MNPL® his slow and steady style were no match for the vultures.
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller Eon was once again victim to more splits than five thousand Sri Lankans dodging cars on the Gardner Expressway to express their outrage at the Tamil Tiger situation. We just have to ask WTF were they thinking. “If it was me, I wouldn’t have swerved. They told me at the white trash school of driving, never duck a deer. Hit him hard and don’t ever swerve. If I had hit thirty of them would that still count? And it I backed up and drove over them again would that still count?“ said Smith when hearing of the situation.

Boris “The Pervert” Gaudio was frustrated by bad beads and his inability to close out some big hands. “My game needs an overhaul. I’ve been so unsuccessful this season I’ve had to start fluffling again for extra cash. My body just can’t take that kind of pace anymore. I lost another big hand to Smith who knocked me out again. He’s got me pegged. He’s psychic. I didn’t put him on that flush at all. Who the hell limps in with 9 -5 clubs suited. I just don’t understand what he’s doing. It’s not normal. Those stupid sunglasses seem to be working. I’m going to smash them next week and pay some white chips for the fun of it. Loved the adult porn but was disappointed they didn’t show the money shot. I went home and tied the wife up and pretended I was Charlie Sheen...I love that guy. That show rocks! Giddedy Giggedy Giggedy!”

The Green Peace hand of the night: The fact that Kline only played five hands and won the tournament is a sign of patient genius. All of his monster take downs were a tribute to years of poker strategy and his Jewish Heritage. The hand of the night came when Smith got double teamed on the river after betting $75,000 with two pairs. A ten dropped on the river providing straights for both Stewie and Eon. Smith grabbed the table, tried to shove it up but it hit his teabag and slammed down hard on his fruit bowl. “Seeing the rage and then the astonished shock was worth hosting the tournament.” Said Eon.

Article by Julius GoatWSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, Why Do Goats Fall in Love?
Sponsored by Pepsi, Greenpeace, Loving Comfort Adult Diapers and The Cole Clinic (1-877-Gro-Hair)

Massive Victory for Newbie at the RGPC®

http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online

Well hello to my family and friends. Julius Goat here with my freshly signed contract inked in goat’s blood, With a little change in my pocket and that filthy scab John J. Jingleheimerschmidt fired…after I disguised my voice and pretended to be an inside source it’s no wonder! Hey, if you can’t beat em, destroy em

MNPL® Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has brought forth a proposal to the board of directors to have a new theme song, “Sippy Cup” but it is in steep competition with the song Mah-Na Mah-Na covered by Mahna Mahna and his back-up singers, the Snowths. Maestro Fresh Wes is apparently disgusted as he supplied his own song from the nineties called “Let Your Black Jack Slide.”

Marcel “Horeshoe” Goldenho cemented his claim to being the best pound-for-pound poker player on Monday night with a spectacular performance that ended with Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan sprawled out on the canvas after a devastating river boat hand that left a testicular snail trail on his cheek late in the tournament. “I don’t mind the smell of sweaty balls…when they are MINE!” Said Stewie who has been up and down from the winners circle more times than one of Mike Tyson’s sparring partners. Marcel took home $110,000, the biggest pot in recent months by a single winner. “I know it sounds cliché but I felt like I was going to river the trips all night. I overpowered a Kline too, that felt really special as a newcomer to this table. I’ve been around the block and know the difference between a donkey and a fish so it didn’t surprise me that I dominated. I just hate betting into a full house though, it’s a bit humiliating. Didn’t know the slow play Kline maneuver but now I’m very aware of how dangerous he can be; as dangerous as a slow moving Man of War at a Chinese beach party. It was great playing in the tournament. Considering it’s my first time, felt a bit guilty utterly annihilating the competitors. I think they all learned how to play poker from a blind nun who had dysentery. I drank a lot of chocolate monkeys though, amazing drink full of color.”

Interviews With the Stars
Boris “The Pervert” Gaudio discovered a new fetish for Condo Televisions as he was quoted as saying, “This could replace High Definition porn and everyone should invest in TV spray cleaners as I’m going to need a lot of em. Giddy up! Hey, where’s the fat guy who normally plays with the ridiculously contagious laugh? I miss him. A bit quiet around the table this week. Yeah, the guy who has a chin that looks like balls and looks a bit like Peter Griffen. By the way, that Marcel dude was luckier than Ben Southall, that skinny fuck who has to hang out in Australia and write a blog for $150,000 for six months. Hey, has anyone else bought a Pos-T-Vac?”

Clint “I’ll Sue You All” Oris was up to his usual antics. He was able to stay under the radar this week so we don’t actually know if he won or lost any money. Odds are he didn’t show because his caramelized onion sack is still in his gf’s purse. When we spoke to him via satellite phone, he was quick to let us know he watched the show Manswers this week and learned some valuable lessons. The first thing he learned that the one of the most painful rites of passage is the Bullet Ant ritual. Basically the bullet ant bites you and it feels like a gunshot wound. It is the most painful ant bite and usually wears off after 24 hours – why the fuc& would these backward ass twats stick their hands in giant oven mits full of these ants to prove they are men. Oh, and no crying allowed. Ten minutes you have to last. All I had to do was finger bang a chick and let my buddies smell my fingers. That was it! The second thing is that the only place in the world where you can videotape yourself having sex with a woman without her consent is Italy. Imagine that. A secret sex tape and you become a star instead of a criminal. This is provided you don’t distribute the tape. Wow, they sure are tough on this crime in Italy. I’m packing my bags first thing in the morning. The final lesson of the night and the most important, is how to survive a Tiger Attack. Randy Miller, the resident expert says that your chances are slim to none. A tiger can run 50 mph in the snow and these animals are motivated by blood. All they care about is their next meal. So don’t try this at home. Move 1 – mental trickery – play dead. First line of defense is no offense. Kind of like the way Allison Smith plays poker! Just lie completely still. The tiger may release you if it’s not threatened. If he is defending his territory this will work. If he’s hungry, you’ve just made lunch a little easier to digest. Move 2 – tigers have a strong gag reflex. You have to hit a tiger in the back of his throat with your fist. It may create time to get away or provide an appetizer. The final way to survive is to bite the six hundred pound animals nose. A tiger’s nose is vulnerable, and sensitive. Bite it hard and you might survive, I guess Roy didn’t know about this tactic. That’s about it for this week, sorry, a bit off topic, just not getting into the groove of poker. Hey, poll the boys to see if anyone’s barfed on a dog.”

Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich as usual, showed less emotion than Ivan Drago just before he fought Rocky. The Juice was preoccupied most of the game trying to determine how much to sell this week's information for with a girl he’s been seeing on the side named Alison who apparently got to pick nothing for her new house. That sounds oddly familiar. With the housing market slowing to a snail’s pace, the Juice has been desperate to sell his house stating that there is a certain “element” that is about to move into his neighborhood that he is concerned about. “I’m not prejudice…this isn’t about racialism. I just don’t know if my liver can handle a Smith as my neighbor. It’s scary, these are uncertain times. My wife is about to give birth to our son, Igor Larionov Mastrovich, and I’m concerned for his safety. Only time will tell the unnatural effects of the Smith’s moving in. It could turn out to be something out of the Munsters. God help me, God help us all!”

Ronny “Kid Wonder” Gold was the host of the tournament and was relieved that there was no controversy in an evening that went smoothly from the get go. At one point during the game Ronny needed confirmation that poker rules hadn't changed and that trips are were and always have been better than two pairs. This strange lack of poker knowledge is not surprising seeing as his play as of late has been sporadic and at times confusing to other tournament players. “It is truly amazing to see awkward raises like 16 chips, 26 chips, 8 chips, etc. at this level of play. It throws you off a bit because you think to yourself, can he be this uneducated?” said the Juice when asked about the tournament this week. “This is the same guy who thinks Fibonacci is an Italian liar. Imagine?” After Ronny’s roommate got home, they seemed to disappear to bedroom for five minutes and rumors were rampant. “I don’t know if he’s gay or just likes the odd blowjob from a guy. It’s odd, just plain odd. No! If you accept a blowjob from a guy it doesn’t mean your gay! The other guy is! Isn’t he?” Said John “Allison Smith.

John “Allison” Smith was once again absent from the Monday night scene. Some rumors swirled that he was seen walking up and down ski hills in Collingwood and strangely enough, reports of the Yeti were all over the news this week around the Blue Mountain Inn in Collingwood. Other reports came in that Mr. Smith was unable to pick the colors, floor tile, cupboard style and even the special toilet for oversized buttocks for his new house and was simply hiding in his room and pouting all week. We didn’t catch up with him but this Habba the Jut is just not worth hunting down.

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was busy trying to sell online poker t-shirts and ran several ads with his most poplular shirt, “I’d check raise my own grandmother.” and “Will Fold For Sex!” He will be hosting the tournament next week as sales from his other sources of income have risen dramatically even during this tumultuous economic time.

The Red Bull Hand of the Night: In our first ever event called Truth or Dare, two players went head to head for $15,000. “This was more bizarre than a Bollywood poker video”, said commissioner Kline, “but ratings went through the roof. There’s no skill involved with two players betting on a single hand blindly, but there is something about not knowing who is going to win before the bet is actually made. “We know this is a sleazy tactic to add new fans to our already growing fan base but didn’t Mcdonalds just give away free coffee? You have to think outside the box – of cards Fans went ballistic when the river hit and Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan, who was dominating with pocket 4s versus A-2 got burned alive. Marcel “Horshoe” Goldenho hits two 2s for trips on the river knocking Stewie out. After being knocked out Stew went to the balcony area and smoked an entire packet of cigarettes. The belief is that he was on the phone with a hit man who he’s offered to pay two million dollars to take out the two new players (Eon and Marcel) who seem to have his number.

Article by Julius GoatWSPN SCAB Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of “Never Bluff a Donkey”
Sponsored by Red Bull, Howard Stern Satellite Radio, and Loving Comfort Adult Diapers