LONDON, ENGLAND - I would like to be the first to inform you that on Friday July 10th the first ever Virgin Summer Poker Invitational (VSP) will be hosted by Clint "Bobcat" Oris. Anyone will be allowed to attend and it will be an amazing evening filled with BBQ, chips PEPSI and poker, concluding with a cannon ball competition with an odds on favorite to win going to John "Tsunami" Smith. It will be the first ever alcohol free event so bring your poker face and bathing suits! Mr. Oris has promised that there will not be any more one legged hookers or monkey knife fights.
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The major news out of Toronto, Canada is that Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich has given birth (his wife gave birth actually) to a sixteen pound baby boy who he aptly nicknamed, "The Little Juicebox". Ahhh Igor Larionov Mastrovich III was born on June 30, 2009. When we went to the hospital the night of the birth we were surprised to find the Juice out at a local Pickel Barrel with his entourage in a saucy meat sweat . The Juice refused to be interviewed and as he left the restaurant he was whisked away in an airport taxi. We did find his cell phone and was surprised to discover a missed text message, "Come bak, don't leave...it will be ok ;-)" Not that we snoop. More news to follow.
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Boris “I’m Depressed” Gaudio who was concerned that there might be yet another DNA test had boarded a plane without his wife and fourteen children to take a quick, unplanned vacation at the Viking Resort in the Caribean. "I chose the Viking's Ultimate Fantasy Package. It costs about $7,900 but you guys really gotta check this out online. Yep, it's worth every penny. Giggedy Giggedy! John and Kate just split up and I don't need the additional press coverage. By the way, do you know if the Little Juice Box was born with a goatee? Oh, you don't know. Ok, well give the Juice my regards and tell him to call me at the Viking Resort once the results have come in."
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League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has said that the first VSP Invitational may turn out to be a shot in the arm for sponsors who would normally shy away from alcohol soaked events drenched in booze and scantily dressed women. "This fomat provides a family atmosphere so we can hook in and addict even the most opposed members of society who wouldn't normally get involved in gambling. Since cigarette smoking has become a socially unacceptable practise, we have decided that it would better serve the public to gamble away their dollars and jump off bridges than to smoke cigarettes and become burdens on our healthcare system. It's a win win for everyone involved and our aim is to have everyone playing online poker in North America by 2020 so that our grandchildren don't become enslaved to the emerging markets as world power shifts away from North America who are no longer in control of all the money and drugs in the world. Oh...did I say too much?"
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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: John "Tsunami" Smith, representing the MNPL® at a local Poker Before Dark competition on Friday June 26th won a $1,600,000 split championship pot. "I had a read on these donkeys from the get go, they were all tight premium hand players. I love a tight table, you can wreak havoc on guys like this. I made a few mistakes but when there were three of us left, Gustov Tsernovski called all in as the short stack with what turned out to be 8D and 9H in his hand. I called with AS and 2H. I only called him because he was short stacked and I had an ace. On the flop I hit my Ace and he hit a pair of 8's. Then the turn came and he hit a 9D. I thought it was over. On the River flops the 2S and I couldn't believe it. I knocked him out with two pairs, lucky as hell. He has three WSOP titles under his belt so I was very happy with that hand. Instead of battling it out head to head with Markus "Chairguy" Minthouse in a final winner takes %50 and second place takes %30 percent, the sponsors agreed to split the final pot between the two of us. I really felt like I represented the MNPL® and was proud to have ended up in the winner’s circle.
There was a guy named Sanjaya "Step Six" Vodkacooler, glad I didn't go head to head all night with this guy...he got blinded out and in desperation had to make a call he didn't want to. He was literally unreadable. The other player worth mentioning was a player who flew in from Ireland named Paddy “All in” Mahon. The poor guy had more bad beats than the last Michael Jackson album. There was nothing he could do but sit in stunned disbelief at watching very strong hands get destroyed all night. Very unlucky night. He vowed next time to bring a box of Lucky Charms cause their magically delicious. All in all it was great poker and a great atmosphere."
There was a guy named Sanjaya "Step Six" Vodkacooler, glad I didn't go head to head all night with this guy...he got blinded out and in desperation had to make a call he didn't want to. He was literally unreadable. The other player worth mentioning was a player who flew in from Ireland named Paddy “All in” Mahon. The poor guy had more bad beats than the last Michael Jackson album. There was nothing he could do but sit in stunned disbelief at watching very strong hands get destroyed all night. Very unlucky night. He vowed next time to bring a box of Lucky Charms cause their magically delicious. All in all it was great poker and a great atmosphere."
Clint “Bobcat” Oris has borrowed the money to promote the first Virgin Summer Poker Invitational and will be hosting it in London, England where some stadiums have suddenly been freed up as the MJ summer tour has been cancelled. "Yeah, we got some great deals on stadiums for the tournament. Normally we would be at a casino but it only cost us a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes to rent the 20,000 seat 02 arena. I know a guy, that's how come!"
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Since MJ Mania everyone is fixated on the entire spectacle unfolding and we decided to print the following quote. "This is it. These will be my final shows in London. This is it. I mean it, because, I don't know," Jackson said without elaborating."I will be performing the songs my fans want to hear. This is the final curtain call," Jackson said, followed by a chorus of boos from the crowd. After his brief comments, he thrust his right arm into the air several times, making a peace sign." WTF?
Commissioner Kline, once again bloodthirsty for the spotlight, called a press conference but since every station is stuck like one giant broken record playing reruns of Michael Jackson videos, it was quickly cancelled. "I can't believe it. A pedophile skizo dies who lost track of reality a loooong time ago and hasn't looked in a mirror for a long time. I feel for the guy, paying off that many parents isn't cheap and imagine what they would have done to him in jail had he been convicted. Do you remember that scene from the Wizard of Oz where the flying monkeys attack the scarecrow and tear out all his straw? Yeah something like that!
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The plastic surgeon who made a fortune turning Michael into a freakish monster out of some horror movie should be shot along with that doctor who fertilized that Octo lady. This car wreck of a human being has eaten up my marketing time! Damn it all. Yes I was a closet Michael Jackson fan back in the day and yes the thriller video gave me nightmares. It was that voice of Vincent Price, probably the biggest pedophile in the universe's voice that gave me the chills. My testes still shrivel up into itty bitty marbels when I think about it. I didn't even know Michael wore make-up in that video until this fiasco!"
Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan is looking forward to the VSP Invitational. "I've never actually been sober on a Saturday night. Wow. This is going to be different. I'm not sure I'm even going to like these guys sober. I heard about Smith taking down a sizable pot and am pretty sure I am the reason he learned to play better. I still remember the good ole' Smith Collapse. It still feels like yesterday when he would chase a flush on the river with all is chips just to lose his wad to a monster hand. The real reason he bettered his game, I taught him the greatest rule of all in poker - always always ALWAYS BULLSHIT and TAKE NO PRISONERS!" Stewie has been working as a snake milker in the offseason. "I actually thought they had little teets! If you ever get bitten by a poisonous snake you'll be grateful. I'm responsible for getting the venom out of snakes to make the anti-venom." Once again, WTF?
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Ronny “Big Daddy” Gold was quoted recently as saying "Since 1995, Jackson and Sony/ATV Music Publishing have jointly owned most of the Beatles songs. I just want to take a sad song and make it better by cashing in. I intend to purchase the rights in order to Michael to afford his own funeral which should cost approximately $20 million. The diamond studded casket alone is worth a million. Who says you can't take it with you? Michael has. The house? It's coming along. Several of the bathrooms have been built and the outter walls are up. No, no children on the way yet. No, there's no pressure now that my friends are having children...my wife said what? Okay Julius, interviews over. Hey, get my wife on the phone now and call the pharmacist immediately."
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We recently had an announcement that John "Tsunami" Smith had served time for a DUI that involved a stolen spider monkey, two transvestites and a midget dressed as a goat. Apparently the three day drinking binge ended up as a failed attempt at recreating the bachelor's nightout in "Hangover".
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Smith actually crossed the border in a rented Smart Car at Niagara Falls Canada with his goat suited midget and was finally charged with impaired as he tried to drive through a Macdonalds. The Spider Monkey and transvestites were later found gagged and bound in a seedy motel not far from the fast food restaurant. When I say through, I mean he went straight through the front door and slammed into an oven full of Big Mac's. Smith had this to say, "I never did make it to Vegas, it was a valiant effort but damn...I was soooo wasted. Why did I steal a spider monkey from the Buffalo Zoo? I needed something that wouldn't eat me and could cuddle with Larry the Midget. They were transvestites? Damn...I thought I picked up two hookers for a three way. That would have been some crazy scene out of the "Crying Game", thank God they arrested me when they did."
Article by Julius Goat WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of, "I Don't Remember the Past 10 years and Who Are These People Living in My House."
Sponsored by Doritos, Pepsi, Warren Buffet, Tea House Cookies and Redbull
Sponsored by Doritos, Pepsi, Warren Buffet, Tea House Cookies and Redbull
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