John Smith Invitational

Toronto, Canada – The MNPL is hotter than ever. With a new Rock Band including all the main characters singing poker related tunes...including Pppppoker Face PUPUPU Poker face...the new Playstation game was released last week to poor sales. "We are hoping as Christmas approaches sales increase. If not, I will chalk that idea up to way too much C Royale.

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In other poker news, Ian Bailey in Vancouver reports — Sophon Sek was riding high after triumphing over 680 players at the B.C. Poker Championships on Sunday, and taking home a $364,000 prize. But his fortune took a surprise turn less than 24 hours later, when he was arrested at a Vancouver gas station as the latest suspect in the Surrey Six killings of 2007. The Integrated Homicide Investigation Team Tuesday announced the 30-year-old Cloverdale resident has been charged with manslaughter and breaking and entering with intent in connection with the Oct. 17, 2007, gang-related killings of six men – two of them innocent bystanders – in a 15th-floor Surrey apartment unit.
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During an appearance Tuesday in Surrey Provincial Court, Mr. Sek, the father of a young daughter, who was described by his lawyer as “a very decent fellow,” was remanded in custody until Nov. 30. And he won't be getting the poker winnings.

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Joseph "The Calculator Kline was attending a play called, MY MOTHER'S LESBIAN JEWISH WICCAN WEDDING, Mirvish productions....and was unable to comment. He left a message on my answering machine after the main event. "Julius you stupid fat fuck, you got to know when to fold em, know when to walk away...never before reconciling your chips...and know when to run...you never count your money without showing everyone your chips before you leave...Know when to walk away, know when to run like hell because you didn't reconcile. You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin', when the commish is done."
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John "ZOMBIE" Smith was so drunk he walked upstairs and took a huge blue viagra pill and started tittie banging his wife. His wife turned the light on and that's when he realized he was titty banging his own balls. Apparently he was still able to finish which is quite surprising. "I won...I don't care if I shit my pants after the game and banged my own ball sack....I got lucky as all hell...even if it never happens again...it's nice to win once."

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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was suicidal after the 11:59 pm Epic Record Breaking Smith Collapse. A massive hand of pocket tens were destroyed by a pair of aces that Smith hit on the flop. "I'm speechless. My hands were shaking, I didn't bring my shovel but there would have been violence if I had. Fack u Julius get out of my way."

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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser was a no show. He had VIP passes for yet another Toronto Maple Leaf loss on Monday night and has vowed to personally clothes-line Vesa Toskala if he ever sees him walking down the street.

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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was in fine form holding on to win a nice $10,000 bit of pocket change. I finally held my load and didn't shoot the goop. It felt good bumping uglies with the bad boys this week...I'm on a roll!"

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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio just punched himself in the face and walked away from the interview. There was no comment, just a disgusted look on his face that said...man oh man I need to get back in the winner's circle. Down $40,000 he was definitely thinking about fluffing again to get back into the tournament next week.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich provided a few death threats to yours truly if I printed the story about football gambling. "Julius, I keel you. Like the Dead Terrorist says, I KEEL YOU! You know what your problem is? You think you're going to have fifty virgins when you die...the problem is in the details...you never asked how old they are or what they looked like...you didn't even ask if they were females. You're going to a place that possibly has fifty old dudes with bitch tits and goat cheese ass issues looking for some celestial action. Think about the details, ALWAYS think about the details. Like my hands for instance, I finally wiped off the top layer of my hand skin, FINALLY. Take that swine flu...take that! Boo yaa!"
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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris who has recently purchased a Blackberry found yet another way to stall the tournment and frustrate fans. The commissioner is going to have to rule on whether Blackberries and football gambling should be allowed during tournament play. BD was not surprised the Juice threatened physical violence should he no longer be allowed to accept side bets. When the commissioner quickly repositioned the vote to only include the possible banning of Blackberry usage Clint said, "I JUST BOUGHT IT SO I COULD FIT IN AT POKER! Death threats aren't funny...they just aren't. I don't know what the fuck they're thinking...I don't slow down the poker game at all...it's slow play city out there anyway with these donkeys...how can you slow a turtle? Yeah, I was in the winner's circle again but Smith talked me out of a nice pot...I thought he was going to fold like a lawn chair under my Aunt Bessies 400 pound Vagina but he called...HE CALLED with his two pairs. Damn you Smith."

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Gerry "Bigbag" Sellmynuts who won the funniest name award but has quit poker and is training to become a vet. "After I saved my puppy, Gonad, from his near death experience... I pulled out a full length woman's stocking from his ass basket. Gonad starts coughing and choking and wouldn't eat for a day. Then, presto...this foreign object starts coming out his bung hole in the backyard while he's pooing. It was my greatest moment...I pulled and pulled and was able to pry my Grandmother's stockings from his aching buttocks. I was born to save animals and tea bag whores."
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Quote of the week:

#1: "I've never seen so much cock and balls dragged across a man's face. Poor Macdoogan....Smith got lucky and sure slapped him at the final second of play." Ronny Gold
.#2"Eaehfmmmmadjph!" Smith made this noise and appeared to believe he was conversing with the other players at the table after he won. No one could actually understand him.

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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: "Hold'em is basically HIGH card game. The players holding two good high cards have the best chance at the best hand or a draw to the best hand after the flop. Only play strong hands, that will stand a raise or multiple raises, from early betting positions. Play medium strength and other playable hands from the later positions if you have a good chance of seeing the flop at a reasonable price. Play strong high hands MOST of the time, and play them very aggressively. Take all the raises you can get. If you don't thin out the competition, you reduce your chances of winning. Plus, your aggressive play before the flop can add credibility to any strong play you might want to use on the next round if a garbage flop falls and you want to try a steal. Be ready to fold your high pair if you get a lot of action with a threatening flop."

http://www.pokersyte.com/holdem.htm

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This week: Aaron: Al : +$125
Clint: +10
Ronen: +$10
Stew: -$20?
Tal: -$35
Ian: -$30
Eugene: -$40?
Aaron: -$20

LINGUISTICS

Anna Kournikova - Ace King - looks pretty never wins
Beer Hand - 2 7 so bad your best to fold and drink some beer
Dolly Parton - 9 5 - after the film but maybe 8 8 would be closer ;-)
German Virgins - 9 9 - Nein Nein - think about it
Siegfired and roy - Q Q
Transvestite - A 4 - looks like two aces when you turn them over, but they're not

2009 Donkey Gardener Invitational

Toronto, Canada – THE MNPL ALMOST CANCELS MAJOR TOURNAMENT!!!

"The following press release is for immediate distribution: After discussion with the VP of Operations, and with support of the board of directors, the MNPL is implementing a 2pm Eastern Time poker response. The purpose of this is to ensure that all participants provide adequate notice of their intention to play. If you are unsure, then please respond "No" at 2pm. This is to ensure that the MNPL provides sufficient time to the TV networks to find other programming. (In addition, this will provide time for other players to determine if they should make alternative plans and it provides the MNPL time (if desired), to sign special appearance contracts with other donkeys - I mean poker stars.)

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Obviously things do come up but often people know that the potential for the conflict is out there and that should be communicated early and no later than the 2pm deadline. The punishment for the 3 asses, I mean donkeys, that cancelled is that Clint gets to have unprotected fun 3 times with your farm animal. If you have any questions, please contact SVP of communications. Also we have added a special Terry Tate night in which all players will be disciplined accordingly.

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"As you maybe aware, the end of the calendar year means the MNPL needs to renew our global TV contracts and apply for our operating license for next year. As such, I will not be able to attend poker on November 16 and December 14. Nov 16th new global tv contracts will be negotiated (while I'm at a 5-day tax course in Niagara Falls) and December 14 I'll be in Vegas applying for our annual license. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network"

Joseph "The Calculator Kline was disgusted by the lack of committment and flew into a rage firing his poker case into his car as he fishtailed out of the parking lot. After slamming into several innocent pedestrians, he got out, beat them with his spade and sped off cursing, "SMITH! YOU BASTARD!" No charges have been laid but unless I receive compensation for keeping this quiet, the hit and run could get ugly Kline.
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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan drank himself into a dark black depression after he purchased a second condo with monies he hadn't actually won yet. Instead, with the no shows, he was forced to re-mortgage his existing mansion and had to ask the ex-playmates to move back home with mommy. The question of age of these so called ex-playmates are up for discussion as several women had furry bears in their arms and "blankies" when their mommies picked them up. "Coming second place in a tournament sucks when you plan on taking down huge pots. I'll have to go back to rectal ventriliquism to earn some cash at bars. It's a sure bet, no one can believe it when they see it live. I use it mostly on elevators though."
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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser brought both a spade and a shovel to the tournament and clearly looked confused as to why he was asked to bring them. When the tournament was about to start, he was still out back digging random holes in the back garden to justify their inclusion in his tournament carry-all. He missed the buy-in and was unable to play in the tournament. He was last seen hitchhiking back to New Brunswick where he will be searching for the Sasquatch/abominable snowman on his magical mystery tour. Yes there may have been some drug use during the selection of "things Randy would love to do".
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was unable to attend, apparently his private jet had a spider monkey jammed in the engine and he wasn't able to catch another flight. He was forced to login to online poker and lost a $100,000 in one hand to a Siberian coal miner who hit four eights against his full house. "I was shocked and appalled. Is online poker legit? I haven't seen four of a kind in two years...oh, maybe once, I forgot about the famous Kline 10's. Talk about balls across the face. I have sack burn on my forehead and some pubes caught like splinters in my eyebrows.
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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio lost this week pushing back his reign of terror on this years poker scene. "I get bored with these tight playing bush wackers. I need action jackson poker, maybe we should raise the blinds faster to allow for some actual poker to take place instead of this meandering, lethargic hack poker that I keep getting lulled into playing. If it wasn't for the racialism and dirty talk, I probably wouldn't play. Rectal Ventriliquism? I've known how to do that for years!"
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John "ZOMBIE" Smith was once again visibily upset and anxious about interviews. He's delving into the art of children's books. He had this to say, "I'm working on a story aimed at young men who don't really understand the ramifications of marriage. "Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl Said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and Drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the Toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted." The book is actually only two pages but the kids should get the message.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is back in the winners circle again this week and there just could be a correlation between alchohol ingestion and his ability to play. "I didn't drink at all this week and look what happened. We'll see what happens next week. I didn't have much fun though. My wife has been pushing me to become Catholic to Baptise our son, I recently spoke to the Bishop of Canterbury, the one she wants to complete the Baptism and he actually asked me if I would sew my foreskin back on. I had to question this line of thinking...then thought, maybe we should head over to the Pastafarian religion. WHAT? You thought Borat was a documentary on Jews? NO I CAN'T TURN INTO A COCKROACH AND MOVE UNDER DOORFRAMES YOU TWAT! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!"
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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris lost 40,000 but wasn't the biggest loser on the night. Newcomer Gerry "Bigbag"Sellmynuts lost 60 big ones in his first ever MNPL debut. "We probably won't see him again." Clint has also recently become a pastafarian. "I believe the flying spaghetti monster is coming. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."

Quote of the week: "With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshippers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents – mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.”
—Bobby Henderson, "prophet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster"

GIVING YOU THE NUTS:

A NEW BOOK Life on Tilt: Confessions of a Poker Dad By John Blowers - A MUST HAVE FOR ANY POKER PLAYER

This week:
Aaron: -$20 Tal: +$30 Stewart: +$35 Beaver Dam: -$40 Eugene: -$20 (likes taking it from behind at the river) Gerry "Bigball" Sellmynuts: -60 Stephano Klinovich: +20
Quote of the Day #1: "WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE?" Commish
Quote of the Day #2: "WHERE'S AL'S GOAT, I'M HORNY!" Oris

"According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians.[5] Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children, and adds that modern pirates are in no way similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history." Pastafarians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19. Ghost pirates are also believed to be responsible for all the mysterious lost ships and planes of the Bermuda Triangle.
The inclusion of pirates in Pastafarianism was part of Henderson's original letter to the Kansas School Board. It illustrated that correlation does not imply causation. Henderson put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s."[5] A chart accompanying the letter (with numbers humorously disordered on the x-axis) shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased. This parodies the suggestion from some religious groups that the high numbers of disasters, famines and wars in the world is due to the lack of respect and worship towards a deity.
In 2008, Henderson interpreted the growing pirate activities at the Gulf of Aden as additional support, pointing out that Somalia has "the highest number of Pirates AND the lowest Carbon emissions of any country."[27]"

J. Kline Classic

Toronto, Canada – The Comissioner has done the impossible, he has garnered a new fantastic sponsor. Crown Royal has finally come around and seen the light. He had this to say, "We had a bottle specially labelled for the event. They spared no expense. I would also like to refute allegations that I "nurse" my cards. I've been playing poker using statistical analysis for years. Statistically speaking...our little fish pond has become a shark pool. Nursing is - fondling one's cards, playing extremely conservatively usually with a small stackoverpair - or so I am told.

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I am currently considering using Bayesian Statistics. I would like to apply probability theory to the idea of using poker tracker/HUD to maximize +ev. My logic behind this idea is that every winning poker player has a "general read" that they will make in a heads up situation with no history on that specific player. Now the winning player can use history on an opponent to make a more educated decision (the winning player creates a posterior distribution of hand ranges of the opponent). In addition, the winning player is constantly modifying his read based on the action in the specific hand. The probability of the hand being the y axis, and all 169 possible hands ranging from 'weakest' (7,2o), to best (AA). I picture this being the pdf of the probability of hands, and your read would be the hand with the highest probability, or the highest point on the pdf. Is this even logical? I will find out next week. Oh, and if anyone ever tries to wear my wife's underwear again, it's in the OTHER drawer...those were mine. ;-)"

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Smith had this to say after I leaked the interview with the Commissioner to gauge reactions amongst the players. "Personally, I have no fucking idea what he just said but God help us the commish actually knows what this means. Is this even legal? I guess the Commissioner will rule it is, since he's the only one who knows WTF this is..."
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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was edged out of winning three straight tournament championship rings after the Commissioner took down some big late hands from Smith who bluffed right into his womb. The Dominator came in second becoming the biggest earner in this years MNPL play. "I think since I cut down all the crazy ass boozing, I've got a lot tighter at the end of the night. That will all change when I host the tournament this coming week. I'm coming to drink some beer and kick some ass. I better not run out of beer!"

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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser was in fine form. Bluffing from position and catching a break by hitting his flush on the river. "It was river night and I took a chance. Personally I find that guy Smith a bit annoying. Who doesn't drink beer? The guy uses vagisil? What is that for? Is that necessary. I just want to play some poker and hang out but these goat jokes and offensive racial comments are getting to me. I think I'm going to bring my own shovel next week and take down the donkey patrol."

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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold dashed back to his inlaws apartment after yet another loss in an unending series of losses. "I just can't get a read on these guys...I just can't. It's tough being the donkey all the time, my self esteem is suffering because of it. My wife tells me what to do now. What? You heard she always did that since I met her. Bullshit."

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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio was seen on halloween masquerading as Bruno. What a great costume! "I was able to let out some of my internal gayness on Halloween. It felt good. I'm a bit pent up in that way, but when I use my Spanish homo accent...I can understand why some dudes wear women's underwear. It's really strange to like such things but my wife still wears a strap on every now and then. Thank God for Halloween or I'd have a shrink."

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John "ZOMBIE" Smith has yet to place in the plus column this year. "I'd just like to be the first guy to ever admit using Vagisil. Yes, that's right. Print it bitch. My MNPL turning point was when my pocket aces got donkeyed on the river by a river rat. Facking flush chasers...fack me. I am going to be a freakin zombie next game...not move a muscle and my gooch will be the only tell I have. I'm taking down the Rabbits next week."

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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week:

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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich has come out the other side of his slump. After winning the Hand Washer of The Century award at a private and very clean reception dedicated to those who intend to survive the H1N1 Pandemic, the Juice had this to say. "Told you I'm not crazy. I was just ahead of the curve. Moo hoo haa haaaaaaaa! (Evil Laugh)." When asked why he had a garage full of Tammiflu, a hazmat suit and a basement full of surgical masks and rubber gloves he had this to say, "I'm taking it to the next level!"

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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris provided balls across the nose but ended up in the Rabbit's circle with the rest of the donkeys this week. "I come here to bet on the game! Football kicks ass. Poker is just an excuse to drink and yell and scream and wake up people's kids. I can't wait for the ping pong tourny. What? Hell yeah, that's why they call me BD...no not VD...BD! I gnaw on beavers. What do you mean that's not why....I don't hold up the game. The poker interrupts my football gambling addiction?"

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GIVING YOU THE NUTS:

OVERPAIR

What is an overpair? In hold em, a players pair is higher than any card among the community cards. For example, you start with J-J and the flop is 9-5-2. You have the overpair.

RABBIT

1. A weak player.

2. Short for after the rabbit or follow the rabbit. A form of draw, usually lowball, in which a player gets a bonus from the other players for winning two pots in a row. For example, in a $4-to-go no-limit lowball game, each player puts up $20, which goes into a kitty. Whoever wins two pots in a row gets the kitty. This tends to stimulate action, because when a player wins a pot, she is likely to loosen her requirements for the next pot to try to get the kitty. She may kill the next pot to try to increase her chances of winning the next pot and to keep out the two-card draws.

ZOMBIE

A poker player with no tells (see tell), one who has a poker face, shows no emotion, and otherwise exhibits no behavior to give away his holdings.

This week:

Aaron: +$45
Tal: +$30
Stewart: +$35
Brandon: -$10
Beaver Dam: -$20
Ronen: -$20
Al: -$20
Eugene: -$40 (likes taking it from behind at the river)

Quote of the Day #1: "If she can drive, she can be driven"

Quote of the Day #2: "If she can crawl, she can assume the position"