Toronto, Canada – Commissioner Kline of the MNPL has wasted no time in seeking out new sponsorships as he has replaced Crown Royal as the drink of choice for tournaments and has asked all vendors to try various brands in the hopes of attracting more sponsorship money to the table. Also, the new mascot, Goat Boy was unveiled to a stunned crowd of onlookers and media reps. "Publicity is publicity after all, didn't you hear? Mackenzie Phillips is claiming she slept with her own father to sell her new book. We decided to go one step further and create Goat Boy. A fascinating DNA experiment gone awry but garunteed to bump her from top billing on Oprah."
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"We also approached Appletons' today and are waiting to hear back from the Vice President of Marketing. They are looking at a variety of mediums to promote their product and creating drunken donkeys at our poker table just might fit this years marketing strategy. I first came to love Appletons' Rum while vacationing in Jamaica. I did a triple reverse axle onto a lazy river water float and it was Appletons' that gave me the courage to try it and it somehow jellied my muscles so that I sustained absolutely no injuries upon surfacing from the three feet of water. I would have thought it a coincidence but noticed that my partner in crime, John Smith had completed a triple sow cow toe jam reverse axle and also missed the float but was completely unscathed. This leads me to believe Appletons' has created a fine balance between lowering ones inhibitions while not completely rendering a human being physically useless. An average drunk who had downed a hundred Coronas would have been paralized and that's not a laughing matter. .
How do I like the crop of players this year? I compare this years line up of Poker players to Burke's new look Leafs:" "We require, as a team, proper levels of pugnacity, testosterone, truculence and belligerence. That's how our team's play." Brian Burke
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Boris “B.I.G.” Gaudio has started off this year in a stylish streak. Second place last week and a final place finish this week has him a leader in the money walking away with a very respectable $600,000 pot. It hardly makes up for last season't Virtual Donkey Award which Gaudio won along with fellow MNPL'er Ronny "The Gooch" Gold. "I played about twenty thousand hands of poker during the summer on my Blackberry and feel at ease at this table of amatuers now. There isn't any combination of bets I haven't seen. Not a one. I took Smith down like a wounded blindman when I hit my pair of eights. I knocked him out like Tyson taking down Spinx. Fast and Nasty, just how I like my women. My best hand was head faking Ronny Gold with a flurry to his solar plexis, I skipped betting on my King and he fell for it. Damn me, the dry land training and Bukake books are paying dividends now.
Stewie “King Katze Konservative” MacDoogan was at a loss for words which is highly unusual considering he was an early chip leader. Cursed with the famed "Smith Collapse" comment in the early goings he fell apart. It was more of a gradual slow death than a tragic single hand demolition but he collapsed all the same and contributed $200,000 to the pot of his previous years earnings. "I wore my luckey Green Bay Slackers jersey. Thought it was a weapon when I broke out of the gates early and won some sweet pots. I was rolling over the crew like a fat man on a donut. (Mmmm....donuts). Then I was forced into desperate measures and Smith called my weak hand and knocked me silly. It reminds of that time I did acid and actually thought I was watching the Kool Aid dude fighting the Michelin Man. I actually saw the Michelin Man tag in the The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and the two cousins kicked some serious ass. The koolaid guy got juiced by these two jelly rolls. The Pillsbury Dough Boy was on the sidelines screaming, "Let's Get it ON!" - while rubbing his tummy and giggling Hoo-Hoo!"
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was basically a no go no show this week. "I took down the Juice with a pair of fours. I actually thought I had a straight when I bet but it was a four card straight. I didn't believe Kline when he went all in, I thought I had him. I forgot that the comish only goes all in when he thinks he has the nuts. Poker is more of a hobby to me but roast goat is my favorite animal. What is the connection? You tell me, you're the comedian. No, I haven't heard of the Spiderman move...okay...go on. OH...that's nasty. Why would anyone want to DO that to a woman. Why would you dump your goo in your palm and throw it at anyone? Dude...you are being removed from my iphone...Oh, another one. Carry on. What is the Tony Danza? What? That's even worse. Why would you punch her in the face and say "Whose the boss?" after coitus. Who has the energy after the final release. I just crumple up, suck my thumb and pass out in the fetal position." We are going to chart Mr. Gold's poker progress this year on a graph starting with last weeks loss. A $400,000 donation to B.I.G. Gaudio is a sizable chunk of change.
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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week:
The look of disgust and confusion that crossed Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich's face after being bluffed off a sizeable pot by the Gooch was priceless. This in fact is the hand of the month. "He's insane, no one would try that." said the Juice. Phil Helmuth would beg to differ. In fact, it is through watching the swagger of some of the worlds best that gives courage to upstarts like Gold, or it might be the confusion of not knowing there are three cards higher on board than the four of hearts in his hand. It was a brave move that turned out to be the right decision as the Juice folded like a midget hit by a grand piano. Well, that's not so much as folding as downright squashing but you have an image and I've done my job.
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris" was unable to attend the tournament. He was in Japan learning about the "Wax Thrash Love Tool". A very bizarre new ritual that is cropping up all over Japan. Horny housewives are removing the "bearded blood sausage" from their lovers, while in the peak of sexual performance and instantly waxing the chopped end of the phallus and waxing it. This is done in order to preserve the shape of their lovers tool in order to please themselves if and when the need arises. Usually kept in the freezer, the new love tool is becoming quite popular in the ages of 30-40 year old women. In a country where deep fried spiders are a delicacy this would not surprise me. No one felt his absence more than the Juice who had no one to offset his poker losses with.
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Candy Taintlik, the Russian pole dancer cum pornography lawyer has decided to follow her dreams to become a poker professional and will be holding up score cards while wearing bathing suits and doing interviews with the players exiting the table at all upcoming events. "Ya, Vodka good. My mother Olga was shotput champion, I take after father who grew up as a Gulag baby. He was bitch to chain gang but he tell me never to give up dream of coming to Amerika. Now look at me...I'm big time."
Candy Taintlik, the Russian pole dancer cum pornography lawyer has decided to follow her dreams to become a poker professional and will be holding up score cards while wearing bathing suits and doing interviews with the players exiting the table at all upcoming events. "Ya, Vodka good. My mother Olga was shotput champion, I take after father who grew up as a Gulag baby. He was bitch to chain gang but he tell me never to give up dream of coming to Amerika. Now look at me...I'm big time."
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Eon "Cannonball" Bosmeller still can't get through customs and is trapped in an airport in Mongolia. He is learning the ancient art of leather scrubbing which is indiginous to the area. It involves taking snake semen and combining it with some household cleaning products in order to create a sheen in a typical leather boot unlike any other product on the market. He is meeting with local tribal leaders to see if he can export and bottle this formula even though the practise of extracting the semen would be illegal in most countries. He's been working as a chaiwalla (see slumdog millionaire) serving tea to local support centre staff who have taken good paying jobs from white collar Canadians and turned them into script centralized jobs that are less than adaquet in providing platinum level service. "It's difficult to stoop this low. The guys I serve tea make about ten dollars a week Canadian. That's less than a run of the mill street panhandler in Gastown Vancouver. (Gastown is known for it's aggressive panhandlers who literally Terry Tate people to get cash ie Tackle and Take them Down like an angry linebacker.)
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"John “Sober” Smith has been reading the top seven motivational speeches lately as he has lost his poker game. "I lost $50,000 this week, came back from a deep hole but still, I want to win. I broke the sacred rule of poker, never chase an all-in, even donkey's know that rule. I'll quote you something I bought from one of them TV preachers the other day. The dude promised to help me out if I donated some cash to his charity. The Bible says that each one of us is fearfully and wonderfully made. God’s creative process delivers each one of us into life as a Champion. God delivers a Champion into this world and then the negative beliefs and stereotypes of the world start messing with the Champion. After a few years of being immersed in negativity, the Champion loses hope and becomes a loser. Rejoice in your place as a Champion. Don’t let anyone steal it from you. Remember…Champions are born, losers are made." I don't know what that means but we hope Mr. Smith isn't losing touch with reality. How did he memorize all that? There could be an intervention in the works so we've contacted the reality show where stars go to rehab, stay tuned as we intend to speed up the process for our own ratings.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich uttered a Macedonian War Cry (see urban dictionary def) after getting knocked out twice for the first time in MNPL play. After taking time out of his busy schedule to spend time with the "Little Juice Box" on the weekend to study NFL spreads, The Juice felt rusty and exhausted. "At first we thought he had colic but then I realized after Dallas scored and he calmed down, that he already understands the power of money and the importance of gambling. At eight weeks I have a miracle baby that is going to sponge wisdom from me like a sea monkey at the Kentucky Derby. I'm starting to understand where he's coming from, his neck is as strong as a two year old, he must have been smoking cigarettes and pumping iron in the womb to have muscle development like that. He's even started to look at my wife with "Stewie" eyes, I think he wants to take her out. He's developing a Russian accent in the cartoon bubbles above his head. Yesterday I thought he said, "Unhand me biatch! Leave me be! I will break you woman!" It was kind of funny, not for my wife...she is pulling her hair out but I think the twinkle in his eye indicates a master plan."
Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich uttered a Macedonian War Cry (see urban dictionary def) after getting knocked out twice for the first time in MNPL play. After taking time out of his busy schedule to spend time with the "Little Juice Box" on the weekend to study NFL spreads, The Juice felt rusty and exhausted. "At first we thought he had colic but then I realized after Dallas scored and he calmed down, that he already understands the power of money and the importance of gambling. At eight weeks I have a miracle baby that is going to sponge wisdom from me like a sea monkey at the Kentucky Derby. I'm starting to understand where he's coming from, his neck is as strong as a two year old, he must have been smoking cigarettes and pumping iron in the womb to have muscle development like that. He's even started to look at my wife with "Stewie" eyes, I think he wants to take her out. He's developing a Russian accent in the cartoon bubbles above his head. Yesterday I thought he said, "Unhand me biatch! Leave me be! I will break you woman!" It was kind of funny, not for my wife...she is pulling her hair out but I think the twinkle in his eye indicates a master plan."
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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser is not exactly a newbi to the MNPL but he has yet to remain a consistent member of the league. He played an exciting brand of poker that lead him up and down and then back to his original chip stack. "Consistency is the key, and I love to bluff the big boys. I lost a few, won a few. I intend to improve my game before heading out for my first WSOP bracelet...this is my training ground. Why do they call me the pivot master? It's the way I pick up chicks using bait. Pivot = a chick that you take to a bar to in order to pick up other chicks. Use chicks who won't lay you but still want to see you, for this purpose. Basically, this works as most chicks will find you more attractive and jealous when you are already with a chick than when are not. -- Maniac High (http://www.pickupguide.com/)]
I am a master of this move...I learned in L.A. when I was fluffing for Nasty Backstrom, that whore who lives for creampies. Ever seen it?"
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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: We have a new section where we will be taking tips from the pros to improve poker prowess in the MNPL. As the season continues we will use more advanced tips and tricks but for the first time, to help our readership improve their play, we will use the beginners top ten rules to poker.
1. Don't Play Every Hand / Do Fold More. If you find you're staying in half or more the hands you're dealt, you need to upgrade your starting hand requirements.
2. Don't Play Drunk - Countless nights have I sat across a table from someone & watched them get plastered silly and throw away their entire stack of chips. (Smith Collapse)
2. Don't Play Drunk - Countless nights have I sat across a table from someone & watched them get plastered silly and throw away their entire stack of chips. (Smith Collapse)
3. Don't Bluff Just For Bluffing's Sake - Bluffs only work in certain situations & against certain people.
4. Don't Stay in a Hand Just Because You're Already In It. The money you've already put in the pot isn't yours anymore, and you can't get it back just by playing a hand all the way to the end.
5. Don't Call at the End of a Hand to "Keep Someone Honest".
6. Don't Play When Mad, Sad, or in a Generally Bad Mood.
7. Do Pay Attention to the Cards on the Table
4. Don't Stay in a Hand Just Because You're Already In It. The money you've already put in the pot isn't yours anymore, and you can't get it back just by playing a hand all the way to the end.
5. Don't Call at the End of a Hand to "Keep Someone Honest".
6. Don't Play When Mad, Sad, or in a Generally Bad Mood.
7. Do Pay Attention to the Cards on the Table
8. Do Pay Attention to the Other Players - As you play, one of the single best things you can do is observe your opponents, even when you're not in a hand. If you know if one player always raises in a certain position, & another has a poker tell when he bluffs, & a 3rd folds to every re-raise, you can use that information to help you decide how to play against them.
9. Don't Play at too High Limits
9. Don't Play at too High Limits
10. Do Pick the Right Game for Your Skill Level & Bankroll
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of, "Can U Notice Talk"Sponsored by Tea House Cookies, Doritos and RedbullWell this is good news indeed.
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Gooch: "The piece of skin connecting the scrotum and testes to the poop chute. The gooch is also attached to the bacon strip which is located directly on the undercarriage of the testes. " Urban Dictionary Definiton
Example: Henry was loading a couch into a truck and slipped and cracked his gooch. He than cried out "Ouch! I cracked My gooch!"
