Media Blackout at the JKPC (Joseph Kline Poker Classic) - Tuesday April 28th 2009

“Writer’s Strike Causes Media Blackout” at the JKPC®

http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online

MNPL® Commish Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has cancelled all Mexican MNPL® dates for the next year and has issued a warning to all players to avoid travelling to Mexico for fear of contributing to the spread of Wine Flu. A cousin to the recent epidemic of Swine Flu which is now sweeping fear around the world, the lesser known Wine Flu has many of the same symptoms but as of yet has not caused any fatalities.

This announcement comes on the heels of the news of the demise of Kline’s presidential bid last week amidst the writer’s strike which shut down production of the MNPL® blog which is seen as “integral to the success of the league. The Blog is one of the most buzzed-about and powerful integrations between poker and our fan base on the internet to date.” Said Kline. The Doritos’ sponsorship of Kline’s election campaign might still have some “crunch” left for the 2014 election but we won’t hold our breath.

As for the controversy last week regarding the chip count the mystery was partially solved by Detective John Holmes who found a stash of counterfeit chips that made their way into the tournament. “We have several suspects in our sites and we have shut down the illegal counterfeit chip making scheme by adding security with Smart Chips so that any future attempts at counterfeiting will be thwarted. I personally counted and inspected each poker chip at the tournament and we will be guarding these chips with our lives. I can personally guarantee this will never happen again.” Powerful words from someone with a lot to lose should the sponsorship deals go South with both Doritos and newly found sponsor, Loving Comfort adult diapers.

Interviews With the Stars

Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio was back in top form clawing his way back and grinding out another tournament victory. Winner of the JKPC was a relief for the aging poker star. “I knew it was going to be a great night when I farted out the rotten goat I ate for dinner. Thank Christ I had my Loving Comfort diapers on. Why do I wear diapers? I wear them recreationally for comfort, for emotional fulfillment and sexual gratification. Doesn’t everyone? I eat a lot of goat so it comes in handy in a lot of different circumstances. My wife loves to swaddle me too so it’s a win-win situation for the Gaudio family.”

(NOTE - THIS WAS WRITTEN IN ERROR - BORIS DID CLAW HIS WAY BACK FROM A $60,000 deficit but did not win the tournament, he broket even. Our sources were incorrect.)

Clint “I’ll Sue You All” Oris was happy to learn that his lack of a turtle neck makes him last longer. “I honestly had no idea. I just grew up with my little soap carrier – you need a rubber band and a reasonably sized bar of soap – trust me it works. I took the skin and stuffed a cat in it once just for shits and giggles. The cat almost died and luckily it had been declawed. I hadn’t even thought about that until he went ballistic on my ball-sac. The claws would have torn me to shreds. I’ve had my share of Shmega too, that is just an awful thing to see. I once wiped my hand in my younger brothers face covered in Shmeg just to see his reaction.” The sick son of a bitch collapsed in Shakespeare like fashion but was able to keep some of his stack after going full tilt through most of the night. “I have never had such a drastic collapse in poker. I was so far ahead I could taste the victory. Then it all fell apart like a house of cards made from goat fur. Just wasn’t my night for a much needed win. I walked away even but I could have pocketed a bundle.”

Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan was unavailable for comment. We have no idea how he placed in the tournament cause no one is talking. The Juice offered to be interviewed on the outcome but wanted too much “$motivation$” to speak. We basically couldn’t afford it. We did receive an anonymous email with an attached photocopy stating that, “Yeah? Justice! I want justice and respect. Clint Oris blows goats and his mother wears army boots!” We did an analysis of the hand writing and compared it with the competitors and it was clearly MacDoogan who sent it. The name on the email was lickmymcmanus@hotmail.com. Clearly we are dealing with a disturbed individual. MacDoogan and Oris have been friends for years so it is not surprising a lovers spat has broken out between them. Details can be found in the National Enquirer being printed tomorrow. Pictures include a tryst they had in Vegas five years ago that may have been photoshopped. We think the actual pictures were taken of acrobats.

Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich refused comment on the actual event and was clearly distraught by the fact that his own private company is currently in a bidding war for the contracts for the pay-per-view rights for the MNPL®. “This writers strike pisses me off. Julius...WTF? Once I gain control of the media rights to the league, we’ll have rolling blackouts similar to the NHL. If you want to watch the games...you have to pay the Juice!” We will have more on that story as the drama unfolds.

(Updated quote: Due to the inaccuracy of the reporting - we felt it necessary to include this note that The Juice was the tournament champion once again and leaked this information to us free of charge simply to maintain his ego and pride. John J. Jingleheimerschmidt has been fired for inaccurate journalism)

An anonymous tip came from an inside source this week calling out Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold who was allegedly criticizing players slow play during the tournament. Our source wanted him to know the following. “Unless he's going to pay attention the entire game then he should shut the f**k up.” I may have taken the exact wording and paraphrased it creating a far more aggressive and confrontational tone (and added some profanity) but I want to keep this beat and I need the readership to increase until Julius Goat gets back.

John “Dumb Drunk” Smith got caught doing a bong rip at a frat party and is currently doing six weeks of community service and was unable to play in the tournament. He said and I quote, “I got caught up in some bizarre frosh week ritual and had to carry a vinyl record in my ass and run around a fifty foot long circle while they hosed me down naked in front of 20 something-year old female freshman. I loved every minute of it.”

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was practising martial arts in a lesbian camp for runaway teenage girls on Monday night and was also unavailable. He was last seen slapping the mat and rolling around the workout studio screaming...”Let me in, let me in! Why don’t you love me too? AAHHHHHHH!”

The Red Bull Hand of the night: Due to the media blackout we were unable to provide the hand but tune in next week when we will hopefully get through this strike.

Article by John J. Jingleheimerschmidt

WSPN SCAB Sports Writer and Journalist
Sponsored by Red Bull, Howard Stern Satellite Radio, and Loving Comfort Adult Diapers

Actual Letters sent to prospective Advertisers and Sponsors

http://www.doritosguru.ca/contact_us
To Whom it May Concern,
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek.
We consume on average at least 180 Bags Doritos a year and on a good Monday we can destroy four bags.
In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such devoted consumers such as our MNPL team. Even a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends and allies and would be an amazing thing to do. I have contacted the Toronto Sales Office but was only able to leave a voice message.
It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from consuming your products if you don't at least respond but we do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you.
In order to continue with your brand I would think your company would at least consider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will reconsider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can provide a mock letter that says you fully endorse our MNPL game and make us happy little chip consumers!
Our blog is http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ and so far is read weekly by approximately 12 people. We feel we have to start somewhere!

Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL League Commissioner
C.A.


Sent to Howard Stern Website Contact

Dear Howard,

I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - the MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek and we simply add a link to your website saying Howard gives us his blessing we will include your name on all of the Blogs we write stating emphatically that we are sponsored by you. We have been turned down by Crown Royal and are pursuing Doritos, our favourite chips. Currently we have 8 players and our readership has grown to 12 people on our blog but we feel it is one hilarious piece of writing that you would be proud of.

We would like to include in the blog:
The Howard Stern comment of the night - this would be the sickest thing stated that night.
Comments on a regular night include fornicating with goats, sleeping with a giant sized toy Barbie and our morbidly obese members accidentally eating small children.
We consume on average at 52 bottles of crown per year, 180 Bags of Doritos a year, twenty pounds of carrots sticks and 34 litres of Vodka. On good Monday we can destroy this average.

It would be a great honour for you to reward such devoted fans of yours who, several members own Satellite radio just to hear your show. Even a gesture of good or acknowledgement of this email will go a long way in helping us remain close allies in comedy in these sinister times. It would be an amazing accomplishment for us. If you don't at least respond through some co-op student filtering emails, we will be more than disappointed. We do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you. We are hoping that you (mr/mrs. email filter) that you will consider at least reading the first line of the blog and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity.

I would sincerely hope you will consider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can provide a mock certificate that says you fully endorse our MNPL game and make us happy little Howard Stern fans!

Our blog is http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ and so far is read weekly by approximately 12 people.
We feel we have to start somewhere!

Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline and Richard Beck
Professional Poker Player
MNPL League Commissioner
C.A.

Sent To Red Bull Customer Service

To Whom it May Concern,
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek.
We enjoy Jagger Bombs which include your product.
In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such devoted consumers such as our MNPL team.
Even a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends and allies and would be an amazing thing to do.
It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from consuming your products if you don't at least respond but we do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you.
In order to continue with your brand I would think your company would at least consider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will consider any gesture of goodwill and in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR dept. drafting a mock sponsorship email back to us.

Thanks for your time,Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL Commish

TMPC (Tal Mastrovich) Report - Tuesday April 21st 2009From

“What The Hex Going On” at the TMPC®

http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online

Absolute bedlam! I can’t remember a more controversial ending to a tournament in the history of the MNPL®. League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline’s presence was sorely missed during as he was on holiday with the President at Camp David. There was $15,000 in chips missing from the coffers and with no way to pay out the winners who each took a $5000 pay cut in their earnings to ensure the budget was balanced. The onsite staff tried desperately to resolve the issue but now the League’ reputation and integrity is in jeopardy. After the tournament the situation quickly deteriorated into finger pointing and he said - she said.

Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich had this to say, “A contingency fund has to be setup to ensure this doesn’t happen again. I think there should be a prompt firing and a punch to the junk of the person responsible. I was the host...I can’t believe this happened on my home turf! I have been in contact with my lawyer, Lionel Hutz. He works out of the "I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm™" in the Springfield Shopping Mall. No, I haven’t heard anyone call him an ambulance chaser? Why? I’m just glad I didn’t have to fork over winnings. Yes I know I’m rich. I am still perturbed that Smith slow played the end of the tournament just to keep his streak alive.”

Reminiscent of the Scooby-Doo episode called What The Hex Going On? in which the gang stumble into yet another mystery while driving to a friends for the weekend to have fun. The problem is, there are no clues as to what actually went wrong. The incredible amount of calculations necessary to get to the root cause of the issue was beyond the mental capacity of the amateur bean counters on site. “We needed a human calculator plain and simple. If Kline was here he would have been able to figure this out. Now we have a complete mystery and yah, I’m a bit perturbed that I won the big show and had to settle for a $5000 loss on my earnings.” said Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan

The unsubstantiated evidence suggests either the initial count was incorrect when doling out the chips which would place blame on The Juice. He and Stewie could be in cahoots as they both were responsible for the count. Other possibilities include a transaction between Eon Bookseller and Clint Oris which might have lead to an inconsistent number of chips when Eon purchased $20,000 from Clint who initially miscounted the number of chips purchased. Another more plausible answer is that there was a thief in the tournament who managed to escape detection from the security cameras and the pit boss. Other suspects include the butler, Colonel Mustard and Mrs. Peacock. Detective John Holmes concluded that there was definitely one suspect, one weapon, and one room but declined to answer any other questions.

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline walked into our interview room flanked by his two right-hand-men – MNPL® Vice President of media relations Seymour Butts and his deputy commissioner Peter North. Kline is a blue-ribbon practitioner at the art of bullshit bingo and political doublespeak and no doubt it’s one of the reasons he maintains his role as commissioner. “Let’s sit down and do it,” Kline says, forgoing the podium as there was supposed to be a bigger media contingent in attendance. (I am alone in the room.) Kline unbuttons his jacket, sits cross-legged like a man who is emphasizing the, I-haven’t-got-a-care-in-the-world-except-this-conversation-we’re-about-to-have manner and flashed a well-practiced, conspiratorial smile, one that he has probably used as panty remover on many occasions.

Kline had this to say, “I am ashamed to say that I wasn’t in attendance. I have been in close contact with Angela Lansbury who has stated emphatically that she is just an actress and that Murder She Wrote is just a television show. We have also left messages with Inspector Clouseau and Sherlock Holmes. We are deeply sorry to announce the loss of Crown Royal as a sponsor because of this incident – SEE EMAIL CORRESPONDANCE BELOW. We are both disappointed and sorry to see them pull their contract but we hope that in the future we will gain their confidence back and create a stable environment to retrieve their marketing dollars. As for plans to move ahead with the investigation. I have set up an interrogation room next week and all players will receive a fine as well as the staff attending the event. We have fed the pit boss on site to a pool of alligators and the dealer has been left naked in the trunk of a car to starve to death. We feel the penalties reflect the need to not only punish those involved, but to deter any future incidents.”

Interview With the Stars

Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan was back in fine form finishing first after a losing streak matched only in catastrophic proportions by John “Dumb Drunk” Smith who coined the Smith Collapse after losing wads of cash time after time in the final minutes of play. MacDoogan was able to hoist up his kilt, pull himself together and battle his way to a slight yet satisfying victory Monday night. “My biggest fear was Eon. I have been in training for several weeks, I’ve been learning close quarter combat techniques, specifically throat punching skills in case I lost again. I heard Eon’s on some course to master the ancient art of bone crushing and is fading away faster than Patrick Swayze (ouch) so I thought I would learn some moves I saw on Rambo IV. If I lose again, I’m going Mutant-Ninja-Turtle on his ass!”

MacDoogan was finally able to improve his play and adjust his style to the faster, looser MNPL® and kept his composure even through the late stages of the tournament. “It’s always good to see our stars get back into game shape, good for him”, said The Calculator.

John “Dumb Drunk” Smith put on a clinic on stoopid last night. After crushing one of the titanium welded floor vents with one of his kankles, he proceeded to destroy the hydraulics on the tournament industrial strength chair that was provided. We asked about his mutant mass and how it was accumulated but Smith couldn’t answer the question because he had accidentally swallowed a small child and was trying to pull the boy to safety. He then proceeded to blame his loveless marriage of convenience as taking a toll on his ability to concentrate on even the most simple of life’s tasks and it has caused his appetite to spiral out of control. “Strangely enough since I joined Weight Watchers my poker skills have been finely tuned. Maybe it’s all the small goats I’m dieting on. I hate the taste of fur though but a small goat is only 300 points. Because I am so disgustingly huge I am afforded 380 points a day. That’s about %700 more than the average morbidly obese male. I can’t deal the correct cards, I’m always asking whose bet it is but the actual big cards keep coming. I just have to keep the purple headed yogurt slinger happy. Ah, I also call him my tapioca pudding maker. Seven weeks and counting with this streak, I’ll take third place anytime and a $30,000 pot.”

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was back in full attack mode. After a free-styling run and gun back door trap on several opponents, Eon was a victim of more split pots than a gypsy caravan being attacked by Somalian butt pirates. WTF... “I was in a mood after hitting several big hands only to find out I had the exact hand I was up against. I called more all-ins than an orgy in Ibiza. I went head to head more times than thirteen homosexual Orang-utans at a Pride Parade. I have hit pocket aces and gone full tilt into a second pair of pocket aces. I’ve hit three kings, full houses and straights. I’m wondering about the bad Karma. I’ve decided to cut the heads off chickens the night before poker to avoid the mal occhio and I just bought turquoise braided Hamsa Bracelet.

Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio was frustrated by bad beads and his inability to cash in on some big hands including a full house. “I was twisted into a cock-knot after I lost that hand. I could have predicted a win and kept the giant stack I had accumulated. No one I hate to lose a big hand to more than Smith. He’s my nemesis as of late and I’ve lost the ability to read his mind. Maybe it’s those feminine sunglasses he wears.”

Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris was disgusted by the accusations at the end of the night and is considering a law suit. He was clearly agitated when asked about his involvement in the mystery that is bigger than JFK. “I feel there was two shooters. I honestly believe it. There is a conspiracy here bigger than Watergate. I’m going to call this Pokergate. If the league can’t protect us from ourselves, what’s the point? I’ll see you all in court!”

Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold was unable to make the tournament and is questionable for the remainder of the season as he is rethinking his commitment to poker. We were unable to reach him for comment and assume he’s working on his poker skills to make a comeback.

The Crown Royal Hand of the night: The best hand we have seen at the MNPL® saw Clint “I Survived a Terrorist Attack” Oris waste a straight flush as he was short stacked with a total of six chips left in his hand. He called an all in without much fanfare and Boris Gaudio said he felt he had to call simply to knock out the desperate Oris. “This is probably the best hand I’ve ever had. I was coaxed into buying back in, but I probably would have folded after the flop had I been raised so I was quite happy with the outcome. Grinding back from a six chip deficit isn’t easy. I ended the night with a massive come back from $60,000 under to only pay out $15,000. I was a bit rusty but considering I am alive, losing a bit of my stack doesn’t hurt a bit. I’m still pissed about the name calling and slander!”

Article by Julius Goat

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, Poker – Why All The Drama?

Sponsored by Mother’s Against Drunk Driving, Banana Liquor and No Longer sponsored by Crown Royal

CROWN ROYAL SPONSORSHIP DEAL GOES SOUTH

On Tue, 4/21/09, CrownRoyal@consumer-care.net wrote:

From: CrownRoyal@consumer-care.net

Subject: Re: Your Comment/Question Case # 413379

To: johnsmith@rogers.com

Dear John Smith, (assuming that is your real name) Thank you for your communication regarding potential Crown Royal participation. Currently we are not accepting sponsorship solicitations. Promotional items can only be provided when a consumer-related offer is available. At the present time, we do not have such a Crown Royal program available. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. However, we wish you every success with your venture and thank you for contacting DIAGEO.

Sincerely, Joe H

Crown Royal Consumer Representative

It's about quality, not quantity.

Check out http://www.thebar.com/ for fabulous drink recipes, party ideas and more

MY RESPONSE

Hi Joe (Crown Royal Dude),

I think you should reconsider. We consume on average at least 52 bottles of Crown Royal a year and on a good Monday we can destroy two bottles. In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such a devoted consumer such as our MNPL team.

I understand you cannot sponsor us but a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends an allies. It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from Crown Royal and go down a dark and lonely road without you. It may be time to switch brands and I would think your company would at least reconsider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.

I would sincerely hope you will reconsider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can calm my ill will and make me a happy Crown Royal customer once again,

Resigned to switching brands,

John Smith

Pro Poker Player

Toronto Ontario

Please consider the environment, don’t print this e-mail unless you need to.

BGPT Classic (Boris Gaudio) Report - Tuesday March 13th 2009

Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio With Both Barrels Blazing Buries the Competition at the BGPT® Classic

http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online

There is a new kid on MNPL® block! With his Wayfarers and Hawaiian t-shirts, Gaudio has the look of one of the uncool cops from that, “once upon a time wicked show”, Miami Vice. After weeks of poor play and a refinanced mortgage, Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio blazes a trail to victory and buries the competition. Right from the “getgo” he started an aggressive style of play rarely seen at 8:00 PM before the Crown Royal starts flowing. The aggressive play lead to more take downs than a weekend of Dirty Harry movies. “I really felt like I had learned some valuable lessons in the past few months. Refinancing a mortgage with fourteen children isn’t exactly the future I had in mind. I did some travelling and worked in a few different occupations. Sponging splooge from the floor of an adult film set was the final straw. Being a part-time fluffer has its perks and the usual ups and downs of any regular job but it got to be too much! I worked the Houston 500...I had carpal tunnel and had my tonsils removed after it was over. I watched one spritely fellow pull out, remove his condom and finish with in amateurish scene outside the sanctioned area between the top of Houstons’ enhanced 36 DD breasts and her belly button. I’ve never seen seven hundred pound security gaurds move so fast. He went for the facial and got manhandled out of the "Gangbanger" entrance of the Canoga Park soundstage. I promptly handed her a towel and soon witnessed a new world record. That truly amazing and I really have to take my hat off to fluffers around the world. Give me back my pocket aces though...the party is over bitch! I am back!”

Sneaking under the radar for a sixth consecutive week was John “Cum-back-kid” Smith. The highlight of the night was when he knocked out Joseph “The Calculator Kline”. “It was my second take down of the Poker Jedi Master in all of my tournament play. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobe when he cut off Darth Vader’s’ arms and legs...and left him for dead. I hope that hand makes the hand of the night...it was amazing. Everyone was poised for a Smith Collapse and bingo...I hit the full house. I am starting to feel like I’m in the zone. I start off poorly, confuse everyone with terrible poker play, then lose $20,000 and come back from there to win $30,000. I’ve never felt so good. I bought a new house and I’m upgrading the hell out of it with all this new influx of cashish...it’s like raining money on Monday nights for me. I’m not sure how long the winning streak will last but it sure feels good taking out a Kline! What few people know is that during the smoke breaks, I like to play a little basketball. I invited Ronny ”Retirement” Gold to play and owned him. I was throwing underhand lobs like a retarded spider monkey and beat him three straight games. It was an awesome night all around.”

Tal 'The Juice' Mastrovich was outgunned in the tournament and was knocked out but still managed to claw back some of his losses leaving with a $10,000 debt. I think I’ve won enough to retire on, this is just fun money for me now. I am taking evening courses in Pharmacy to get my license. Simply put, I just love drugs. I love touching them, handling them, counting them and most of all, I love the camaraderie I will have with my customers. I’ll know every sordid little drug they take. I’ll know if they are having anal leakage problems, I’ll know if their heart is about to burst from their chests. A pharmacisto is more of a priest of sorts. I know everyone’s sins...I can look them in the eye and know deep down...they are ashamed and that makes me feel good. I especially like the idea of being the Pill Nazi, like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. Oh, you want me to hurry up and fill your prescription? That’s a 25 minute penalty! No drugs for you! Yeah, I really like the idea. Even if I can’t take a piss or smoke for twelve hours straight, can’t take holidays and have to stand all day long dealing with geriatrics and addicts. Pills are so clean and neat...they are the most incredible little things...” The Juice was lost in thought and continued on and on about this new found love of drug dealing so we had to cut it short as I don’t have enough room in this column to blether about this shite.

Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold on a sad note is now considering retirement. A usual morass of inscrutable optimism he is "looking forward to the future" and believes, "you've got to be born ready in this life." At one point during the night he was quoted as saying, “I never won a single hand! I felt like a giant Ram with horns like barbells smashed me in the nuts and tore off my ball sac. It was a gut wrenching feeling losing $40,000. Horrible. I just don’t know how much longer I can continue this lifestyle. I own my own business and fire people all the time to pay for my poker habit...when I win, I hire them back. What? I have to pay them severance if I lay them off? No I don’t.”

The Crown Royal Hand of the Night: A full house consisting of 7’s and 9’s takes down a clear leading top pair of Jacks and 9’s. A tense moment of silence hung in the air as Joseph the Calculator Kline simply stood up. Placed his money on the table and left the room. “It was awkward. I felt a bit sick to my stomach. I wanted to hug the poor guy. He looked so deflated.” Said the Juice after the tournament. “I know he’s my soul mate and all but damn...that was a Twilight Zone moment. I think it’s partly because I dealt two cards at the end by accident before he called. Smith had already called his all in so it could only have helped him. Maybe I’ll buy him some chocolate and by him something frilly to cheer him up.” Said the Juice.

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was unable to make it to the tournament because after posting bail, Dog The Bounty Hunter was called in to bring him to justice. I read You Can Run But You Can't Hide, so why would Bookseller even think of jumping bail. He is allegedly charged with fraud and is currently in jail pending his upcoming trial. He was caught by undercover OLG investigators, according to my sources who have access to OLG documents, investigators are looking into allegations of insider scratch ticket wins routinely checked for "pin-pricking," where a card is scratched very lightly to see if it contains a winning code. The “G-Master” refused comment.

Stewie “The Slimer” MacDoogan was a last minute scratch from the tournament and was deemed, “mentally unavailable”. The last time this happened was in 1995 when baseball hall of famer Rickey Henderson of the Oakland Athletics was benched by manager, Tony La Russa, who stated publicly that the outfielder was “mentally unavailable.”

Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris was a no-show and rumour has it he was kidnapped in a white cube van by three morbidly obese masked gunman who apparently were collecting money owed to them. We weren’t able to locate Oris for confirmation of this as he is still deemed missing.

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline was happy to see players following the MNPL® rules this week after several players were fined heavily. Kline didn’t comment on his ejection from the tournament by a river full house but was in a seemingly good mood. He had this to say, ”I just hope that I can be productive at work this week as I'll be dreaming about the Lazy River that John Smith is building around his house that will come with two-man rafts.” We have no idea what this means but Kline winked and smiled as he seemed to be rehashing old memories.

Article by Julius Goat

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, Poker – Just Believe Your Own Lies

Sponsored by Gamblers Anonymous who are “Always looking for new members!”
Also co-sponsored by Tiger Bone Steel (The X-rated golfer who was a member of the famed Houston 500 Gang Bang) and Crown Royal

An article on the Houston 500:
“The more I get to know and like her, the more heatedly and earnestly I pursue a "why" beyond her stock answer: "I'm just riding the wave." I search for tribal analogies, ritual evidence, primate precedents, biological imperatives. I cold-call cultural anthropologists and sex experts to help me make sense of "Gangbang III." I find that the wooly spider monkeys of South America are gangbangers of sorts, with males lining up patiently to mate an estrous female. At the Dionysian orgies of the Hellenistic era, ecstasy was a way to prepare oneself for enthusiasm, infusion by God. And the Menihaku of the Amazon would gang-rape any woman who trespassed in the men's lodge. (The last reported occurrence of this was in 1944.)” Read more http://dir.salon.com/health/sex/urge/1999/08/31/houston/index2.html

Index of terms
A Fluffer is a hired member of the crew of a pornographic movie whose role on the set is to sexually arouse the male participants prior to the filming of the scene.
Tiger Bonesteel – a single member of the Houston 500 club that really had what it takes to set a world gang bang record.

TAMPT (Tal and Al Mastrovich Poker Tournament) Report - Monday March 30th 2009

“The Juice” Two-Peats While MacDoogan Tanks at the TAMPT® Classic
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Poker players beware, Tal 'The Juice' Mastrovich is on a roll. Two straight victories sees him second on the money list for 2009. The Juice has also picked up several sweet sponsorship deals from Wonder Bread and Diet Coke who traditionally haven’t even used the Poker tour for advertising due to the possible ill effects of gambling. When interviewed, Wonder Bread spokesperson, Eddie Prickmanlick, stated that they liked the Juices “Friar Tuck”1 look which had a boyish charm straight from a Robin Hood movie.

We asked Mastrovich about his play as of late and he stated, “I’ve been on a bit of a ball-tearer as of late and I’m confident the streak will continue. It reminds me of the time my father in law and I fed Exlax to his goat Billy after he ate too many figs. We thought ole Billy was an indestructible tin-can-eater like the ones we used to watch on Saturday morning cartoons. Eating is the primary interest in any goat's life, mine too for that matter, so when he got sick we knew we had to act quickly. Unfortunately ole’ Billy had diarrhoea all day long so bad it made him bleed, then he blew out his colon while his head blew off like it was shot out of a cannon. It broke my neighbours car window across the street. Thank god we didn’t give him a higher dose. What was that? Yeah, I’ve had a few drinks...it’s in celebration of my victory...hey, where you going? Oooh...cramp...must have been the soggy Zaaa, or maybe it was the floaters in the bottled water from Walkerton...oh, it could have been the tainted Caesars’ that had Tarantula cum floating at the top...bathroom...just get to...the...toilet.”

Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller is a fighter. He battled back from a $20,000 deficit and completed something that the poker world hasn’t seen in a long time, a triple “Smith Collapse” take-down which will aptly be named a “Billy Goat’s Gruff” going forward because we have never seen anything like it before. The G-Master’s been losing weight which has been a huge plus as he’s cut out alcohol during all tournaments. “He drinks more water in a day than a pregnant elephant whose just run seventeen miles to escape a pack of jackals.” Said the Juice when asked. “All that cabbage soup can make a man go crazy. I like being fat. I like jokes thrown at me like, why aren’t you on the Bernstein Diet Smith. Some heckler fck in the background yells, “Because he ate him.” Now that kind of comedy doesn’t come around too often. A classic. I’d rather laugh and be fat than be a skinny dried up piece of cardboard like Bookseller.” Stated Smith immediately after the tournament.

Stewie “The Slimer” MacDoogan (aka Japanese Flag, AKA King Bullshit aka Billy Goat) was the victim in yet another catastrophic collapse that ended in a set of car keys being thrown across the table to his brand new Mustang GT. He was distraught after being ejected from play for a third straight tournament. “I lost my baby! How lucky can one guy get. I had pocket sixes! He shouldn’t have called with an Ace and a pitiful kicker. I just wanted to take down the pot. What the hell was I drinking anyway? Banana shots and Ponche Caribe Pistachio Liqueur. WTF? I pooed neon Tuesday morning. This is war. Heads up Goat ...heads up. Look out for a lock-bump buddy...Google it...then hide your children!” Then he headed outside the casino to call his girlfriend to pick him up.

Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold had this to say. “It was a better week for me. I held strong but still got mushroom slapped by Mr. Smith near the end of the tourney. I have no idea what he had and I think he actually bluffed me with two giant blue conk shell chips. He probably did...no...he HAD to have something to bet that strong! At least this week poker didn’t cut into my hooker and blow allowance. I was really pissed off when I saw a bumper sticker with a picture of Osama bin laden with a I love New York beside it. Now that gets on my tits!” Mr. Gold is currently working on a new book that will be released in the fall. “Linguistics and Language for Dumys.”

John “The Invisible Man” Smith was unavailable for comment. Rumour has it he did bus stop flop after massive alcohol consumption during tournament play. He has won money in the past five tournaments. An accomplishment to say the least in his roller coaster ride of a career. He slept over at the Juice’s house and apparently complained of “ring-sting” the next morning which was probably due to mixing crown, carrots, pizza and Pistachio liqueur. There is an over under bet through a Vegas line on Smith having been taken down like a wounded buck by his Italian Stallion wife who makes the Wicked Witch of the West look like Mary Poppins. It would be a mercy killing of course as he provokes that reaction from her. It’s not her fault that she can sail a gallon of green puke across a crowded room and spin her head 360 degrees.

The Crown Royal Hand of the night: Pocket sixes dominated for a third tragic week in a row. “The look of disbelief and confusion mixed with rage on Macdoogan’s face was priceless. I’ve seen less confused deer smeared across the windshield of an eighteen wheeler. He looked Katherine Harris crazy.” Said the G-Master.
Boris “Figlio di Cazzo” Gaudio and Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris were not able to attend for the second straight week. They could be building up capital for the next tournament as Boris was in Australia boxing kangaroos and working part time as a gum-buster while Mr. Clint Oris was in St. Maeerten working as a Lifeguard at a Orient Beach which happens to be a nude beach. "Shark! Shark! ... Hey... wait a minute ... sorry folks, it’s not a shark. Back to the water...back to...the water."

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline was surprised by the lack of commitment by players to follow the MNPL® rules this week. Each player at the tournament will receive a $10,000 fine for not competing in a gentlemanly manner. “When players fail to show their cards on an all-in call head to head...you just have to shake your head and wonder if they are just trying to gain media attention or do they lack respect for the game? If players fail to follow tournament rules in the future they will be ejected from tournaments without question.” When asked about his own play this week he simply stated, “The players have too much respect for me now, I can’t seem to win. They fold like lawn chairs every time I bet anything over $20,000. Smith folded like a lead balloon when I re-raised him. I actually had nothing...don’t print that please. Next year I’m going to skip the TAMPT Classic. It was so cold I had a nipple vasospasm. I could’ve cut diamonds with those puppies.”

Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of Poker – The Benefits of Drinking Alcohol During Match Play
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INDEX OF TERMS

Billy Goats Gruff

1) Traditional fairy tale of three Billy goats and a troll under a bridge.
2) English rhyming slang for muff aka pussy, female genital region. When someone, usually a female, gets their pubic hair cut into the shape of a farm animal. Preferably a goat. “Alex told me his ex-girlfriend Laura got a Billy goats gruff yesterday.”

What is vasospasm?
1) Vasospasm occurs when blood vessels constrict (or tighten). Vasospasm may occur in any blood vessels in the body such as in the heart, brain or eyes. The fingers are most commonly affected. Some people notice that the ends of their fingers turn white in cold situations; also known as Raynaud's phenomenon, where fingers have a tendency to turn white in cold weather. Less commonly, blood vessels in the nipples are affected, causing pain during, immediately after, or between breastfeeds.

Japanese Flag
1) When one has consumed a particularly dodgy curry or food dish, the results of which are for one to have a severely inflamed sphincter Sore bottom. I've a hole like the Japanese flag after that curry!!"
2) When you have sex with a woman on her period and you’re left with blood on the end of your penis. Then using a clean piece of toilet paper press your penis bang in the middle of it leaving a red circle.
3) A bloody and used maxi pad. “I'm sick of seeing Japanese Flags in the trash can!”

Friar Tuck
1) A Friar Tuck is the result of a large man or woman sitting on a dirty toilet. The excess skin will encompass the toilet rim picking up hair or dirt. The resulting line of hair across the ass resembles the hairline of Friar Tuck. If Carl sits on that toilet she’ll have a friar tuck two inches thick.”
2) Strangely stark haircut with straight bangs like the famous friar in robin hood stories

G-Master
1) Goat Master – as in master of goats and all things goaty
2) One who has mastered the art of the G-spot. “Hey Bob, your wife Beth said you were a G-Master...wanna fck?”
3) A Gaming/Beast-porn site full of perverts with nothing better to do than wank. There's also some queer-looking people and some blackies there.

Gum buster
1) Through special steaming tools, they remove the gum stuck to sidewalks, street benches and elsewhere that you stuck there back in 1976.
2) A man who has the unique ability to shatter a woman’s front teeth with one thrust of his penis into her mouth hole. Usually hired by a husband looking to increase the pleasure from his wife during oral sxe.

Katherine Harris Crazy
1) Crazy person interested in bringing about the Apocalypse. Only slightly less dangerous than global warming,