The Juice” Dominates $100,000 RGPT® Tournament

Poker Champion and God, 'The Juice' Mastrovich, has ascended to poker glory after winning 1st place in the $100,000 RGPT® tournament. This virtually guarantees a spot in the Kandyland Party at the Playboy Mansion which is described as the place to "expect an evening of decadence," and features the ultimate sensory experience with a plethora of Playmates, outrageous performances from the exotic Kandy Go-Go Dancers, body-painted Kandy-Models, and an open premium bar – heaven. “Finally I held my own. After some bad beats and some sloppy play in Jamaica I’ve fine tuned my play and beat up on Eon “The Rookie” Bosmeller like Tyson on Spinks. He didn’t stand a chance. He was my golden goose this week. I just hope he comes back so I can take some more blue chips from his sweet little pile. Next week the other players have to show him so love cause I’m killing him.”

League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline had this comment, even though there is only a $500 fine for launching watermelons from a seven story window, the MNPL® does not condone such reckless behaviour and will take the necessary measures to ensure the safety of not only our players, but the general public as well.

New to the MNPL is amateur Eon “The Rookie” Bosmeller who won a satellite tournament with a buy in of $10. His online name was TopTitty19. He’s fresh faced and keen to get in on the pro action tournaments. “I have a lot of respect for professional poker players, as much respect as I have for immigrants. Liberals say that immigration is really just a way to depress wages and create a permanent underclass of exploited labour. And the problem is? I’m also glad I’m not playing online anymore. The snide remarks I used to hear have the quality of coming from a 12-year-old dyslexic with a mean streak: "Get a life, dubmass!”

Well, thanks for being so candid Steve! The Rookie will be hearing from league commissioner I’m sure about interview etiquette and politically correct speeches.

Stewie “Smith Collapse” Doogan pocket Q’s on the last hand of tournament play. He raises $5,000 and several players call. He then raises 7,500 on the flop as the flop contains Q-h , 6-s and a 2-c . Only newbie Eon “The River Rat” Bosmeller calls. On the turn is 10-d. Stewie calls ALL IN as he presses both buttons on the suicide bomb attached to his waist yelling Bonzai like a Japanese fighter pilot careening toward a US battleship. The River Rat hesitates and then calls. Stewie has trip Queens. Eon lobs out a 3 and a 4 . Stewie has him beat but here comes the river boat like a wildcat chasing a chipmunk...it’s not going to be a pretty ending. A 5 lands and Eon is happier than a fly bathing in shit-ake. Stewie’s face turns white...back to back “Smith Collapse”. A first in MNPL® play (since Smith invented it).

The host of the tournament, Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold – formerly Mr. Rye, was distraught as he lost a total of $60,000. It’s the biggest loss since Clint Oris fell apart during the 2007 season opener. “I had to give up my wedding ring and some expensive artwork my mother gave me. I didn’t really like it that much, it’s a flower pot...yes, a flower pot. Apparently it was painted in the 14th century by some guy with herpes. I was given the Double Dutch Rudder tonight and it didn’t feel good at all. I got blasted by a 4 flush that lost to the K flush. I thought Kline was bluffing. I thought I had him. What’s that? Oh, A DDR is something you should google....oh...and since I’m an English expert check out this site to look up the word “the”. First read the definition of a word. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Word / then check out the definition of the word “the”, http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/The?qsrc=2446. See, I told you it was a definite article!”

John “The Invisible Man” Smith was clearly distraught and was sweating like a whore in church...or more like a an altar boy at a priest convention when interviewed. Not only did he NOT “fourpeet” he was he given less respect than Rodney Dangerfield. Players were calling, raising and continuing the game as if he wasn’t there. Several key decisions were made before he had a chance to react and join the play. “Now I know how Casper felt. I’m 300 lbs for Christ sake...how can they do this to me? Oh my God, I AM 300 lb’s.” Smith was last seen weighing in beside several heifers at a Weight Watchers meeting with tears in his eyes gripping a bag of day-old's tighter than a proverbial ducks ass on water. He was still in the black this week winning a respectable $10,000 after dropping into the hole for $40,000 at one point. “I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost. I couldn’t have gone home, that’s for sure. Oh, and a definite article is still a word. Just for the record. I was an English major in a past life, I don’t need to look up websites.”

Joseph “The Calculator” Kline who broke even yet again said that the RGPT had excellent ceasar’s. Of course I made them! Normally I love Rookies but this guy, he could single handedly restart the Cold War with his all in calls. A fish? I would say so. Obama talked about honing his bowling skills at the White House bowling lanes replying that it was "like the Special Olympics or something." That was how I felt about the final hand of the night. I hope you mention it in the blog. It was a bit awkward at the end. I was concerned that Stewie might full tilt himself off the seventeenth floor! Talk about bad beats.”

Hand of the night: Pocket Rockets for two players. The sheer look of frustration on John “The Invisible Man” Smith’s face when “The Rookie" threw down his own pocket rockets for the all in call pre-flop. “At that point I was looking for the flush to go my way. I can’t believe he had the same hand, pocket Aces. I was looking to tea bag the rookie with my hairy lizard nest and show him how the pro’s play in the bigs; next time beotch.”

Stewie had this to say, “I was leading all through the tournament. This last hand was my icing on the cake. I was looking forward to buying my princess something special. A little razzle dazzle. Now I end up dropping $20,000 when I should have won 50 big ones. What a nightmare. This new guy has balls I’ll give him that. I got donkey punched, cock burned, pimp slapped and Chris Browned all in one hand. This was my worst nightmare. I was on full tilt baby. I have to go back to the drawing board. I can’t afford to be losing like this, I have payments man...I have booze bills, babes to be dined and cars to be bought. I wanted to punch someone in the throat.”

Boris “Figlio di Cazzo” Gaudio and Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris were not able to attend. They were both in Los Angeles trying to promote the game of poker by mud wrestling three- legged goats in a new movie called simply, “Baaahhhaaa.” The band U2 is working on the soundtrack with their new song, “Shamu, the Mysterious Goat.”

Article by Julius Goat

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist

Author of Poker – How to Read Players Minds
Sponsored by Tobasco, Grey Goose and The Traffic Specialists

COPT Report - Monday March 16th 2009

John “Donkey Thrasher” Smith Does the Unimaginable at the COPT ®

(Clint Oris Poker Tournament)

We’ll start of this week by detailing the mandatory drug testing that we performed on all MNPL® players. Several of the players failed the MDT (Mandatory Drug Testing) but due to contractual agreements and sponsorship deals the league refused to disclose the results. Let’s just say that one unnamed player had about three hundred different pharmaceutical drugs in his blood, all legal, and another player who shall remain unnamed had a large amount of goat semen in his abdomen. One of the players who failed the drug testing was recently in Jamaica on tour and this result came as no surprise to anyone including his own mother.

League Commissioner and player extraordinaire Joseph “The Calculator” Kline had this comment, “There is absolutely no advantage to players using performance enhancing drugs when playing poker. What we are looking for are some of the recreational psychedelic drugs that can lead to temporary telepathic abilities. We are concerned that these types of drugs are making their way into the mainstream poker circuit. As yet, there is evidence of severe drug usage but not the type of drugs we are concerned with. We decided to hold the March classic in Jamaica in hopes of netting some of the suspected players.”

Like nuts in a vice John “Donkey Thrasher” Smith took over last night wading through a sea of bluffs on his road to his third victory in as many tournaments. “It’s uncanny. I don’t know if I’m getting reads on people or if it’s the lucky Hawain Lai I was wearing. I’ll never know. All I know is that I just came back from Jamaica and gave birth to a baby Rhino in Clint Oris’s bathroom. I’m sorry but DAMN that hurt!” (Having shut down several toilets around the globe this is no laughing matter.)

This week, due to his poker prowess, we have decided to profile two of John Smith’s hands that show both genius and mass confusion with the game of poker.

Winning Hand: Smith has A-h and A-s pre-flop. Blinds are at $10,000. He raises to $30,000. Two players call. On the flop are A-c , 6-h and J-s . Smith raises another $30,000.

Player two folds. Stewie “King Bullshit” Doogan calls YiiiiYiiii ALL-IN without looking at his cards. Smith takes ten minutes to figure out why he didn’t look at his cards after the flop and immediately blasted his mighty warrior guns pretending to have a flush when he could have slow played for at least another hand to suck out more chips knowing Smith usually folds like a lawnchair when the blue chips are flying.

Smith eventually calls and knocks out King Bullshit in true MNPL glory. “He was actually wearing a fking crown! He looked like the Burger King dude! I think it was the crown that made me call, not the booze, the actual crown. He had a pair of kings and was chasing the straight like a fat guy chasing a donut truck. Trip Aces wins!”

Losing Hand 2: Donkey Thrasher Smith became the donkey on this hand which would have sent his winnings into the thousands.With a mighty chip lead Smith raises pre-flop with A-s and 4-c . $30,000 – pot becomes $100,000.On the flop A-d 6-d J-s . Mr. Rye raises $30,000 and Smith just calls.Turn comes up K-d . With three diamonds now showing, Smith sees an opportunity as Mr. Rye checks his cards. Smith immediately raises $50,000 without hesitation. Mr. Rye seems to sit for a few minutes then says Call...followed by All in. Smith is dumbfounded. Confused. How can Mr. Rye call when he clearly is shown a flush bet that he clearly doesn’t have? Mr. Rye can only call as he stated that first prior to actually saying raise. River is a 10-h . Useless. Smith checks showing weakness to see what Mr. Rye will do and in fact he went all in with $60,000 more dollars. Smith folds immediately without thinking about his pot odds. Mr. Rye throws down pocket 9’s of no discernable suit.

Smith is in shock and loses a monster hand in which he was the obvious leader. “I donkey punched him, reverse tromboned him and then dragged my balls across his nose! Take that bitch slap!”, said Mr. Rye after he walked away in third place with a nice $200,000 return on his investment. When Smith asked Ronny “Mr. Rye” Gold, with eyes wider than a Jamaican hookers legs, why he re-raised with a pair of nines. Mr. Rye calmly exclaimed, “I was hoping to hit the third nine and it was late and I was willing to lose my stack.” Bewildered, Smith picked up his winnings and headed directly to the nearest Harvey’s where he ordered three double burgers and a diet coke to drown his frustration. The rest of his winnings were discovered late that night in his anus during coitus with his wife who decided to finger bang Smith in the heat of the moment. Smith completely forgot where he was or what he had hidden and lost his stash to his crafty wife.

Boris “Figlio di Cazzo” Gaudio continued his losing streak giving up $40,000 to the mighty (lucky) Smith in two showdowns that left him speechless and without any chips. “He’s a parallelogram. I can’t believe he called me on that last bluff. I had him beat mentally, physically and spiritually. I had no idea I was betting into a King with a higher kicker. This slow playing river jumping donkey called. HE CALLED! I can't feed my sixteen children now. I was bluffing a monster hand, I played it textbook style. TWICE. Smith took my Lai and ran with it. They were giving me bad luck so I ditched them. Obviously Mr. Smith doesn't grasp the simple concept of fold-equity or showdown value. Dumbass...donkey dumbass. Smith was too busy playing Back Seat Bingo with his boyfriends growing up to know what a poker game is. How am I losing to this DONKEY! I’m going to buy this Poker for Beginners guide by Daniel Negreanu that Smith keeps quoting. I don’t even have bad beats to blame. I’m just losing to losers!”

Gaudio is also in the Guinness Book of World Records for growing the fastest beard, a special trait that can be traced to Nonno Luigi from Calabria who had to shave three times a day.

Alexi “I knew you had pocket rockets” Mastrovich, aka Mr. Juice, had this to say about coming in second this week behind Smith. “What the hell is a Maldovian river rat? I played steady this week. Kind of like how I drank my Pink Tigers and rum and diet cokes in Montego Bay. Slow and steady. Not to name names but I was the most consistent tonight and throughout the Jamaican tour. I liked my kings tonight. I took down a few pots like a rastafarian stealing Ganja from a Kingston grow-op. I was happy to walk out with a little change in my pocket. Designer Glad bags dipped in designer perfume won't change the fact that what's inside is still garbage. Smith is going to crack soon enough and I’ll be the one to take him down. I saw him practising the upside down Jamaican booty shake last week and let me tell you, there is nothing pretty about that at all.”

Mr. Juice was last seen trying to steal blue chips made of chocolate from a ten year old boy at a convenience store. Apparently he has a blue chip fetish that is somehow connected to his fear of bacterial infection and girls with orange bracelets.

Joseph “The Calculator” Kline coming off another loss had this to say. “Having a player say thank you after winning a pot off me makes me want to choke them. It's not a metaphor; I literally want to choke them purple. Saying thank you after winning a pot is best described as "twisting the knife." I have stacks of cash and I’m tired of playing this slow-rolling casual Texas Hold'Em. I want bigger stakes, bigger fish and bigger bank rolls. I’m the only one calculating odds at this table. I play with morons! The only thing more enraging than losing to these banana hammocks (turn off the gaydar – not a homoerotic reference homophobes and it’s not a racially motivated attack on one of the members of the poker team who is in fact, Jamaican – I digress) is not being able to buy a Pink Tiger mixed drink at my local pub. Smith is going down. Just because I called ALL-IN to a piano concerto and was taken down like a blond surfer by a Great White screaming in the same strange tongue as a suicide bomber in a tourist area - it doesn't mean anything. Just because Mr. Smith and I shared a ride down the lazy river and perfected our synchronized back flip entry onto the river raft means nothing once the cards are on the table it's all business. I’m thinking of going halves with Gaudio on the Poker for Beginners guide...Smith has horseshoes stuck up his...boxer-less shorts. Other than slow-rolling, I seriously don't think anything tilts me more than someone saying thank you. Now fkc off I’m busy!”

Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris, the gracious host of the tournament was on full tilt and ran into a headstrong Smith as well. My sponsorship by Red Bull is in jeopardy now cause of Smith. The sponsors want wins. They want my T-shirt, my hat and my tattoo to be on national TV as much as possible. Exposure is key. I just need to stay sober longer ,that’s all. I had some bad beats but all in all, I had a good time with da boyz. It cost me $40,000 but what the heck, I paid that much for the limos, the cocktail waitress and the party girls with the blow. Between the pizza, Jagger, beer, Crown and Doritos it was one hell of an expense but one that I was up for. What’s another forty grand? I can’t wait until St. Patricks day to get my buzz on again. I think the Bob Marley tunes playing in the background lulled me into a false comfort zone. “Buffalo soldier, heart of America.” Man I need to get stoned! Hey, are you gonna print that? I just did the MDT!”

Stewie “King Bullshit” Doogan on the other hand finally experience his first full on “Smith Collapse”. “Fcking table talk again! Fck!!! I wore the crown and all, I didn’t think Smith had the lizard skin to stay the course. This table talk has to stop. It has to stop or I’m going Tasmanian the next time. That wouldn’t be good, not for poker and not for my parole. At least I walked away with a bottle of Appletons’. They sponsored me for winning the Jamaican classic last week. At least I think I did. I don’t remember much at all from last week come to think of it. The last thing I remember was my brother in law heading on stage to do some sexy Robocop dance to get his shirt back. It was both awkward and somewhat arousing all at the same time. Strangely, oblivion soon took over. I think I just had a NAM flashback! Did I see Smith do a body slam on a some woman on stage? Is that possible? Did he try to ram a balloon into her assbasket too? Wow...brain ain’t so good no mores! I woke up on Sunday and found myself west of highway 66 with two pieces of gum in my pocket crying “Mamma, Mamma!” I picked myself up, walked very slowly, all the way back to Toronto carrying a flamethrower. That pack of wild dogs never knew what hit em. WTF? Am I still in my first acid trip stuck in some crazy dream? Shit...the MDT...shit...don’t write this man or I will fkc you up. Come here! COME HERE! COME BACK YOU FKC!”

That pretty much ends the blog for this week. I cracked a rib when I tripped over an aligator trying to get away from Doogan near Dunns River Falls. I don’t think he’s going to let me interview him for awhile.

My new addition to the blog is the Disgruntled poker player’s Quote of the Day:

“I can’t type for the anger that is boiling in me right now. Pokerstars is beyond a joke., I kid you not. EVERY [censored] is sucking out on me. My big hands are losing every showdown. I can’t suck out for [censored]. Once again I am getting it in dominating, but they hit their 3 outers like 95% of the time. I am again actually calling the fkin cards that will fall. I have steam coming out of my ears. Pokerstars RNG is NOT straight. I am telling you, it’s fkin not.” http://burnleymik.ukpokerscene.co.uk/

Article by Julius Goat

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist

Author of: Poker Las-Vegas Style as NOT told by Bulldog Sykes.

Sponsored by Red Bull, Appleton Rum and the Iberostar Rose Hall Beach Resort

AKPT Report - Wednesday February 23rd 2009

John “Never Wins a Tournament” Smith Crushes Table at AKPT

Written for Ladies, Mr. Oris, Goat Shepherds, Bull Shitters, Mr. Rye, Mr. Apple Head, and Others!

Goats run for your lives!! The festive Monday night AKPT was a resounding success. The AKPT is no typical, meat-and-potatoes garden-variety poker tournament. The leisurely thirty-minute blinds and $200,000 starting chip count allow for lots of advanced play (like the min. raise, the triple check-call, and the early position limp).

This is a star studded event, with a red carpet, poker chips made of gold and a million bucks in prize money.I don't think there was a topic left untouched in this slushy Crown & Coke downing, Super Bowl beer chugging, Dorito dipping flatulent affair. Jessica Alba may you never grow a penis and when it comes to shaving a face...small apple heads of the world unite!

Add pure oxygen, plenty of alcohol, scantily clad cocktail waitresses, and the thrill of winning a jackpot... then you got yourself a perfect situation where fairly intelligent people will throw away their hard earned money and dignity for the greater good of the game. Yes, this is the AKPT.

When John “Wifebeater” Smith showed up for the tournament and had this to say, “Unfortunately I had to sneak out of the house and down with a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, pilfered from my three year old daughters piggy bank. The ole “I’ll pay it back later” on my brain as I did the unthinkable. I didn’t even say goodbye as I pulled the chute on my mother-in-laws birthday get together. An absolute abhorrent act to the Italian community I have found myself immersed in. Good god...how did it come to this? The Italian necktie may be in my immediate future unless the ole concrete shoe end is in the cards.”

Cint Oris arrived by helicopter with more bling than a four armed rapper who worships Mr T. “Goosebumps ripple up and down my arms as I step into the room as I try to fix my fro from the copter wings. I hear the friendly barrage of insults bounce back and forth, I’m paralyzed by the thrill of the chase. WTF? BFF? The boys rip through one liners faster than a four headed comedian on crack. It’s as if I am stepping into a casino floor in Las Vegas. I miss the hum of non-stop gambling and the intoxicating aroma of pure oxygen mixed with cheap perfume and stale cigarette smoke; even though the only time I’ve been in Vegas is through the lens of a Hollywood camera. I came to hang out with “da boys” but what I was really seeking was what I have read about and seen on television; a true gamblers high. Or maybe I was just escaping the ball and chain.

Tal "The Juice” Mastrovich has been hovering under the radar recently. "I've been practising my ping pong and Playstation Hockey skills. Poker has been placed on the backburner for now. I've won so much money it's time to direct my attention to new challenges. I need to make a living don't get me wrong, but poker is more of a hobby for me now. I've won virtually every tournament, time to let the new kids loose on the scene." The interview ended when The Juice took a phone call, it sounded like a Russian Rave song blasting from his phone and almost blew up my microphone. He apologized and lumbered off clearly irritated at someone who owes him a substantial amount of money.

”Joseph “Slowplay” Kline, the host and number one seed of this tournament plays tighter than a bulls ass in fly season. He had this to say before the first shuffle. “Many nights in my dreams I’ve walked the Vegas strip and passed hordes of slow moving tourists all sneering at the illegal immigrant porn-slappers who offer them glossy business cards with photos of petite Asian Ladyboys and escort agencies that will send rent-a-ho’s to your hotel to lick your balloon-knot clean for a few green backs. I’ve often pondered on paying for a Cleveland Steamer but have yet to cross that boundary.” Joseph...WTF?

Ronny “Mr. Rye” Gold, a man of few words simply stated, “I came here to win but if I happen to take down a Kline or two..then that will add to the pleasure of winning. It might even surpass it.” He then rushed to the bathroom to release some sort of chemical his wife whose an accredited Naturopath had given him to bring him good luck. Apparently it’s in the experimental stages.

Stewie “Mr. Bullshit” aka “The Chinaman” Doogan parachuted in from Monte Carlo dressed in a James Bond classic tuxedo. “I like da numba thuty fo. Foking guys...I take all da moneez and make da tells so eezy dey cannot win. I go to call YIII YIII YIII YEEEEE a lot fo de muneez.” He pulled out of the Chinese accent and said he was wearing horse shoes literally in has anus to bring him luck. He didn’t say how large or how far these horseshoes were located.

Boris “The Goat Blower” Gaudio had this to say, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Like the night I paid a Bellagio Cher look-alike five bills to shove a ping pong ball up my ass while wearing a Catholic school girl getup and baying like a goat. Of course, those were pre-recession prices. These days, you can find out-of-work investment bankers who will do that to each other for a bag of nickels and a free buffet coupon.”

Like most of you, I am following two new developments in the world of Full Tilt Poker with great interest. Unlike most of you, I am following it with nothing but two brain cells and a complete lack of fact checking as I write this, but I’m sure I’m getting all the details correct, so just take my word for it, okay?

The first development is the now-famous “Kline Tens” named after the young internet poker phenom Joseph “MHOCFMIGSP Klein. (Money hungry, odds counting, facial muscular interpreting, goat sucking phenomenon). Phew... Mr. Mhocfmigsp first came to national prominence in a televised heads-up match with Phil McKrackin who accused him of using far too many “r”’s in a row and commented on his politically incorrect vocabulary and racialist tendencies.

With the newly created PoKabulary comes a relatively new development in poker terminology. We now have the legendary “Smith Collapse”. It is a move that occurs when a player drinks too much and has completely lost track of the game and the English language. The player has a nice stack that is up for grabs as the vultures circle knowing he is about to commit a witless manoeuvre. The player tries to bluff his stack into several stronger hands leaving his money on the table and gasps of bewilderment from other players not used to seeing such self- destructive suicidal play so late in the game.

When Mr. Smith was asked recently why he never folds when he knows he’s outgunned with a pocket pair of hooks and two aces on the board he had this to say , “Folding? Folding is ridiculous. THIS IS A GAME OF AGGRESSION, PEOPLE. What is less aggressive than folding??? Did Napoleon fold at Waterloo? No! History, people. Think Custer. Think history. Don't burn your fiddle in Rome like Nero.”

John “Wife Beater” Smith just went on one of those runs today at the AKPT. He hit every big hand and made just about every right call, running his stack up to 750 for the chip lead. He was followed by Clint Oris otherwise known as Richie Ri$h decided to take his balls off his girlfriend's key chain to attend the tournament, is known by most of the general poker public as the kid who made the 9-4o "hero play" on Mike Sexton at the 2008 WSOP.

Unfortunately the money bubble burst for Ronny “Mr Rye” Gold midway through the tournament when his chip lead dwindled down until he was crushed in a head on collision with poker Titan Stewie the Chinaman. Ronny's actual name is more than ironic for his poker playing last night after he committed a less dramatic “Smith Collapse” over an extended period of time. This shall forever be known as the “Steaming Donkey”. He stated and I am rephrasing, that he hates poker, and vows never to play such a stupid game again. The Steaming Donkey is capable of anything -- all-in with trash, calling with gut-shot draws and any flush draw, regardless of the pot odds. A very dangerous player is Mr. Rye...especially after consuming several alcoholic beverages.

Among other big stacks that ended the night was Stewie the “Chinaman” Doogan who awkwardly ticked his way to third overall with $540,000. Boris "BFF" Gaudio self destructed in the final minutes of the game blowing a substantial stack to Clint Oris using the famous, “Smith Collapse” technique for the first time. “I can’t believe I was the that stupid! I was playing on my Crackberry and made the call in the wrong game. How am I supposed to feed my kids...I was counting on that cash! Next week I’m going to bury Clint Oris.”

Tune in next week when we will see if blowing a dead goat is preferable to blowing a live one. “Is that called Neck-goat-phobia?’Slang term for the day – (45 = Jesse James)

Article by Julius Goat

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist

Author of : Poker Strategy For Huge Donkeys

Sponsored by Crown Royal and Doritos

EGPT Poker Report - Tuesday March 3rd 2009

John “River Boat” Smith Sails to Victory at EGPT

We’ll start of this week profiling one of the true greats in the MNPL (Monday Night Poker League). Alexi "The Juice” Mastrovich. Mr. Juice, as he is known amongst his allies and contacts in the shady underworld of loan sharking, is one of the most notable personalities in the poker scene today.His quirky personality has made him the darling of the media and he has come to be known for his suave, polished look and self-confident stance. His flair comes with a touch of arrogance, "It's not bragging if you can back it up. Balls across the nose boys, BATN!"

Mastrovich has won over $1.3 million since 2003 alone. He has earned ten times as much through his money lending business called, Pay Or I’ll Massage Your Head With a Brick Inc.The self-confessed "Poker Brat" has been known to throw tantrums and flip tables after losing a game but this attitude does nothing to affect his playing ability. Mastrovich’s slow pace shuffling has emerged as an actual emulated style in amateur tournaments world-wide. “He shuffles the tits off the queens, the nuts off the kings and the nipples off the jacks...there’s not much I can say about it except it works, you always get a good mix after he shuffles. Mastrovich is so difficult to read. He’s as slippery as otter snot and tighter than a fishes ass when he plays poker but I kind of like it when he bends over to fill up his crown and I get to see his plumber butt. He wouldn’t give you the steam off his piss but ya gotta love a guy who can juice you faster than Jack Lalanne!” Said Joseph “The Calculator” Kline recently about his soul-mate and mentor.

Mastrovich has nine World Series of Poker bracelets to his name, all won in Hold'em events. He is also one of the largest earners in poker history, having come away with enormous tournament winnings over the last 9 years. He’s also outspoken regarding the use of marijuana, though he admits that he likes his vodka and Pall Malls. Ironically Mastrovich will be vacationing in the Mecca of Marijuana, Jamaica, next week. He is staying at the Hedonism III resort where he plans to let loose in his leopard skin thong and afro wig. “There’s more marijuana in Jamaica than goats but I don’t support communism and Mexico is uglier than a hat full of assholes.” Said Alexi from his private jet circling LAX this week.

The freedom to enjoy himself is high on Mastrovich’s life priorities. He believes that "living well is all about optimizing, and achieving a balance between fun, freedom and fulfillment." He only considers himself a "semi-professional" poker player and he currently resides in Toronto, Ontario with his wife Maria “Gina” Mastrovich who is pregnant with his first of many, many, many children.

Clint Oris, coming off a two tournament losing spin, had this to say about Mastrovich, “After each tournament he’s off like a Jewish boys foreskin before we can say boo yah to him. I’ve never seen him hang around nor have I had the chance to even shake his hand...he’s a mystery....a dark horse in any tournament. He came up big at the EGPT last night. Even though he has a face like a dog's bum with a bad shave, I respect em. He’s a Maldovian river rat that can drink more vodka than a polar bear. Gotta respect, gotta respect.

”Ronny “Mr. Rye” Gold had another strong finish and is now a full contender in the MNPL. Combined with his double Kline takeout which is infamous, he can add the “WO (Doogan and Oris) takedown”. In a very controversial play that sent Clint Oris back to the bank and Doogan screaming “NO TABLE TALK...THIS IS BULLSHIT!! Mr. Rye sat quietly counting his chips in the aftermath. “I was amazed that they tried to bully me from my pot. Then, after I clearly won, they tried to steal chips back. They are a disgrace to the game. I am so glad Kline was there to count it out for me.” Mr. Rye has officially come out from under the Rookie umbrella he’s carried around like baggage for the past year.

Joseph “The Calculator” Kline had this to say about Mr. Rye’s poker progress. “It was like beating a handicapped kid or stealing candy from a retard in the beginning. I always loved going head to head with Mr. Rye. Now that he’s learned a few tricks though...I don’t know anymore...he’s tough...tougher than Mike Tyson’s testes.” My. Rye has had several strong finishes and has been the chip leader throughout the last few tournaments he’s played in. As long as he can stay away from the Steaming Donkey or Smith Collapse, this up and comer is sure to take a tournament or two in the upcoming months.

Stewie “King Bullshit” Doogan on the other hand finally experience his first “Smith Collapse”. Strangely enough, as fate would have it, he met up with Mr. Smith himself in the final hand of the EGPT tournament with a large chip lead. He was so sure he had won the hand he stood for ten minutes staring at the river card whispering...”I didn’t see it? I did not see that coming. I got donkey punched for fu*& sake! At least I got five bucks in my pocket! Damn! Rivered...I got rivered by SMITH!!!”

John “River Boat” Smith was briefly interviewed after the tournament. We can’t print any of it here because we couldn’t understand a word. He sounded like he had fist in his mouth and a shoehorn in his anus. He was in the middle of a classic "Smith Collapse" last night but managed to chase both a flush and a straight when calling all in. He actually hit the straight. Complete luck of the draw. Mr. Smith shit his pants so we had to cancel the rest of the interview. He was last seen getting on a bus heading to the airport with a pair of saggy jeans on and a strangely masculine looking woman wearing army pants.

Boris “Pasta Fajole” Gaudio, whose father is Italian and mother is Russian was a no show last night. He was the host of the tournament but was knocked out before the tournament came to a close. “I had nuttin...not a single playable hand...it was awful...just awful. I bluffed a few pots...but my all in was called on my first Ace of the night. I was more concerned with the drywall on the cigarette breaks mind you...the MNPL has to crack down on the full contact floor hockey. I see no need for it. It was odd too, not seeing my four foot high Barbie on the sidelines. Last week they tried to flatten her head and remove her teeth. This time I was concerned that some of the players might poke some new holes in her and my kids need her as a toy...so I didn't invite her in.”

We finally figured out the answer to last weeks skill testing question. It is in fact preferable to blow to freshly killed dead goat. Still warm and no fight. Unless you take it near the edge of a cliff and jam it’s hind legs into a pair of loose rubber boots.

Tune in two weeks when we do mandatory drug tests on several members of the MNPL.

Article by Julius Goat

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist

Author of Poker is For Losers but Losers are Cool Too

Sponsored by MADD and BGS (British Goat Society)