MNPL December 7 - Cancelled

Shat buzz indeed!!! I guess we will have to wait until next week!! I probably should be studying so I guess this is somewhat ideal...........but I'm still not impressed!!! May the poker god's shite on all that were not in attendance and may they give me the strength to kick YOUR ASSbaskets NEXT WEEK!!! :-)

John Smith Invitational

Toronto, Canada – The MNPL is hotter than ever. With a new Rock Band including all the main characters singing poker related tunes...including Pppppoker Face PUPUPU Poker face...the new Playstation game was released last week to poor sales. "We are hoping as Christmas approaches sales increase. If not, I will chalk that idea up to way too much C Royale.

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In other poker news, Ian Bailey in Vancouver reports — Sophon Sek was riding high after triumphing over 680 players at the B.C. Poker Championships on Sunday, and taking home a $364,000 prize. But his fortune took a surprise turn less than 24 hours later, when he was arrested at a Vancouver gas station as the latest suspect in the Surrey Six killings of 2007. The Integrated Homicide Investigation Team Tuesday announced the 30-year-old Cloverdale resident has been charged with manslaughter and breaking and entering with intent in connection with the Oct. 17, 2007, gang-related killings of six men – two of them innocent bystanders – in a 15th-floor Surrey apartment unit.
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During an appearance Tuesday in Surrey Provincial Court, Mr. Sek, the father of a young daughter, who was described by his lawyer as “a very decent fellow,” was remanded in custody until Nov. 30. And he won't be getting the poker winnings.

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Joseph "The Calculator Kline was attending a play called, MY MOTHER'S LESBIAN JEWISH WICCAN WEDDING, Mirvish productions....and was unable to comment. He left a message on my answering machine after the main event. "Julius you stupid fat fuck, you got to know when to fold em, know when to walk away...never before reconciling your chips...and know when to run...you never count your money without showing everyone your chips before you leave...Know when to walk away, know when to run like hell because you didn't reconcile. You never count your money, when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin', when the commish is done."
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John "ZOMBIE" Smith was so drunk he walked upstairs and took a huge blue viagra pill and started tittie banging his wife. His wife turned the light on and that's when he realized he was titty banging his own balls. Apparently he was still able to finish which is quite surprising. "I won...I don't care if I shit my pants after the game and banged my own ball sack....I got lucky as all hell...even if it never happens again...it's nice to win once."

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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was suicidal after the 11:59 pm Epic Record Breaking Smith Collapse. A massive hand of pocket tens were destroyed by a pair of aces that Smith hit on the flop. "I'm speechless. My hands were shaking, I didn't bring my shovel but there would have been violence if I had. Fack u Julius get out of my way."

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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser was a no show. He had VIP passes for yet another Toronto Maple Leaf loss on Monday night and has vowed to personally clothes-line Vesa Toskala if he ever sees him walking down the street.

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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was in fine form holding on to win a nice $10,000 bit of pocket change. I finally held my load and didn't shoot the goop. It felt good bumping uglies with the bad boys this week...I'm on a roll!"

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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio just punched himself in the face and walked away from the interview. There was no comment, just a disgusted look on his face that said...man oh man I need to get back in the winner's circle. Down $40,000 he was definitely thinking about fluffing again to get back into the tournament next week.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich provided a few death threats to yours truly if I printed the story about football gambling. "Julius, I keel you. Like the Dead Terrorist says, I KEEL YOU! You know what your problem is? You think you're going to have fifty virgins when you die...the problem is in the details...you never asked how old they are or what they looked like...you didn't even ask if they were females. You're going to a place that possibly has fifty old dudes with bitch tits and goat cheese ass issues looking for some celestial action. Think about the details, ALWAYS think about the details. Like my hands for instance, I finally wiped off the top layer of my hand skin, FINALLY. Take that swine flu...take that! Boo yaa!"
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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris who has recently purchased a Blackberry found yet another way to stall the tournment and frustrate fans. The commissioner is going to have to rule on whether Blackberries and football gambling should be allowed during tournament play. BD was not surprised the Juice threatened physical violence should he no longer be allowed to accept side bets. When the commissioner quickly repositioned the vote to only include the possible banning of Blackberry usage Clint said, "I JUST BOUGHT IT SO I COULD FIT IN AT POKER! Death threats aren't funny...they just aren't. I don't know what the fuck they're thinking...I don't slow down the poker game at all...it's slow play city out there anyway with these donkeys...how can you slow a turtle? Yeah, I was in the winner's circle again but Smith talked me out of a nice pot...I thought he was going to fold like a lawn chair under my Aunt Bessies 400 pound Vagina but he called...HE CALLED with his two pairs. Damn you Smith."

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Gerry "Bigbag" Sellmynuts who won the funniest name award but has quit poker and is training to become a vet. "After I saved my puppy, Gonad, from his near death experience... I pulled out a full length woman's stocking from his ass basket. Gonad starts coughing and choking and wouldn't eat for a day. Then, presto...this foreign object starts coming out his bung hole in the backyard while he's pooing. It was my greatest moment...I pulled and pulled and was able to pry my Grandmother's stockings from his aching buttocks. I was born to save animals and tea bag whores."
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Quote of the week:

#1: "I've never seen so much cock and balls dragged across a man's face. Poor Macdoogan....Smith got lucky and sure slapped him at the final second of play." Ronny Gold
.#2"Eaehfmmmmadjph!" Smith made this noise and appeared to believe he was conversing with the other players at the table after he won. No one could actually understand him.

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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: "Hold'em is basically HIGH card game. The players holding two good high cards have the best chance at the best hand or a draw to the best hand after the flop. Only play strong hands, that will stand a raise or multiple raises, from early betting positions. Play medium strength and other playable hands from the later positions if you have a good chance of seeing the flop at a reasonable price. Play strong high hands MOST of the time, and play them very aggressively. Take all the raises you can get. If you don't thin out the competition, you reduce your chances of winning. Plus, your aggressive play before the flop can add credibility to any strong play you might want to use on the next round if a garbage flop falls and you want to try a steal. Be ready to fold your high pair if you get a lot of action with a threatening flop."

http://www.pokersyte.com/holdem.htm

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This week: Aaron: Al : +$125
Clint: +10
Ronen: +$10
Stew: -$20?
Tal: -$35
Ian: -$30
Eugene: -$40?
Aaron: -$20

LINGUISTICS

Anna Kournikova - Ace King - looks pretty never wins
Beer Hand - 2 7 so bad your best to fold and drink some beer
Dolly Parton - 9 5 - after the film but maybe 8 8 would be closer ;-)
German Virgins - 9 9 - Nein Nein - think about it
Siegfired and roy - Q Q
Transvestite - A 4 - looks like two aces when you turn them over, but they're not

2009 Donkey Gardener Invitational

Toronto, Canada – THE MNPL ALMOST CANCELS MAJOR TOURNAMENT!!!

"The following press release is for immediate distribution: After discussion with the VP of Operations, and with support of the board of directors, the MNPL is implementing a 2pm Eastern Time poker response. The purpose of this is to ensure that all participants provide adequate notice of their intention to play. If you are unsure, then please respond "No" at 2pm. This is to ensure that the MNPL provides sufficient time to the TV networks to find other programming. (In addition, this will provide time for other players to determine if they should make alternative plans and it provides the MNPL time (if desired), to sign special appearance contracts with other donkeys - I mean poker stars.)

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Obviously things do come up but often people know that the potential for the conflict is out there and that should be communicated early and no later than the 2pm deadline. The punishment for the 3 asses, I mean donkeys, that cancelled is that Clint gets to have unprotected fun 3 times with your farm animal. If you have any questions, please contact SVP of communications. Also we have added a special Terry Tate night in which all players will be disciplined accordingly.

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"As you maybe aware, the end of the calendar year means the MNPL needs to renew our global TV contracts and apply for our operating license for next year. As such, I will not be able to attend poker on November 16 and December 14. Nov 16th new global tv contracts will be negotiated (while I'm at a 5-day tax course in Niagara Falls) and December 14 I'll be in Vegas applying for our annual license. Sent from my BlackBerry device on the Rogers Wireless Network"

Joseph "The Calculator Kline was disgusted by the lack of committment and flew into a rage firing his poker case into his car as he fishtailed out of the parking lot. After slamming into several innocent pedestrians, he got out, beat them with his spade and sped off cursing, "SMITH! YOU BASTARD!" No charges have been laid but unless I receive compensation for keeping this quiet, the hit and run could get ugly Kline.
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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan drank himself into a dark black depression after he purchased a second condo with monies he hadn't actually won yet. Instead, with the no shows, he was forced to re-mortgage his existing mansion and had to ask the ex-playmates to move back home with mommy. The question of age of these so called ex-playmates are up for discussion as several women had furry bears in their arms and "blankies" when their mommies picked them up. "Coming second place in a tournament sucks when you plan on taking down huge pots. I'll have to go back to rectal ventriliquism to earn some cash at bars. It's a sure bet, no one can believe it when they see it live. I use it mostly on elevators though."
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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser brought both a spade and a shovel to the tournament and clearly looked confused as to why he was asked to bring them. When the tournament was about to start, he was still out back digging random holes in the back garden to justify their inclusion in his tournament carry-all. He missed the buy-in and was unable to play in the tournament. He was last seen hitchhiking back to New Brunswick where he will be searching for the Sasquatch/abominable snowman on his magical mystery tour. Yes there may have been some drug use during the selection of "things Randy would love to do".
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was unable to attend, apparently his private jet had a spider monkey jammed in the engine and he wasn't able to catch another flight. He was forced to login to online poker and lost a $100,000 in one hand to a Siberian coal miner who hit four eights against his full house. "I was shocked and appalled. Is online poker legit? I haven't seen four of a kind in two years...oh, maybe once, I forgot about the famous Kline 10's. Talk about balls across the face. I have sack burn on my forehead and some pubes caught like splinters in my eyebrows.
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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio lost this week pushing back his reign of terror on this years poker scene. "I get bored with these tight playing bush wackers. I need action jackson poker, maybe we should raise the blinds faster to allow for some actual poker to take place instead of this meandering, lethargic hack poker that I keep getting lulled into playing. If it wasn't for the racialism and dirty talk, I probably wouldn't play. Rectal Ventriliquism? I've known how to do that for years!"
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John "ZOMBIE" Smith was once again visibily upset and anxious about interviews. He's delving into the art of children's books. He had this to say, "I'm working on a story aimed at young men who don't really understand the ramifications of marriage. "Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl Said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and Drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the Toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted." The book is actually only two pages but the kids should get the message.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is back in the winners circle again this week and there just could be a correlation between alchohol ingestion and his ability to play. "I didn't drink at all this week and look what happened. We'll see what happens next week. I didn't have much fun though. My wife has been pushing me to become Catholic to Baptise our son, I recently spoke to the Bishop of Canterbury, the one she wants to complete the Baptism and he actually asked me if I would sew my foreskin back on. I had to question this line of thinking...then thought, maybe we should head over to the Pastafarian religion. WHAT? You thought Borat was a documentary on Jews? NO I CAN'T TURN INTO A COCKROACH AND MOVE UNDER DOORFRAMES YOU TWAT! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!"
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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris lost 40,000 but wasn't the biggest loser on the night. Newcomer Gerry "Bigbag"Sellmynuts lost 60 big ones in his first ever MNPL debut. "We probably won't see him again." Clint has also recently become a pastafarian. "I believe the flying spaghetti monster is coming. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."

Quote of the week: "With millions, if not thousands, of devout worshippers, the Church of the FSM is widely considered a legitimate religion, even by its opponents – mostly fundamentalist Christians, who have accepted that our God has larger balls than theirs.”
—Bobby Henderson, "prophet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster"

GIVING YOU THE NUTS:

A NEW BOOK Life on Tilt: Confessions of a Poker Dad By John Blowers - A MUST HAVE FOR ANY POKER PLAYER

This week:
Aaron: -$20 Tal: +$30 Stewart: +$35 Beaver Dam: -$40 Eugene: -$20 (likes taking it from behind at the river) Gerry "Bigball" Sellmynuts: -60 Stephano Klinovich: +20
Quote of the Day #1: "WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE?" Commish
Quote of the Day #2: "WHERE'S AL'S GOAT, I'M HORNY!" Oris

"According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians.[5] Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children, and adds that modern pirates are in no way similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history." Pastafarians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19. Ghost pirates are also believed to be responsible for all the mysterious lost ships and planes of the Bermuda Triangle.
The inclusion of pirates in Pastafarianism was part of Henderson's original letter to the Kansas School Board. It illustrated that correlation does not imply causation. Henderson put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s."[5] A chart accompanying the letter (with numbers humorously disordered on the x-axis) shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased. This parodies the suggestion from some religious groups that the high numbers of disasters, famines and wars in the world is due to the lack of respect and worship towards a deity.
In 2008, Henderson interpreted the growing pirate activities at the Gulf of Aden as additional support, pointing out that Somalia has "the highest number of Pirates AND the lowest Carbon emissions of any country."[27]"

J. Kline Classic

Toronto, Canada – The Comissioner has done the impossible, he has garnered a new fantastic sponsor. Crown Royal has finally come around and seen the light. He had this to say, "We had a bottle specially labelled for the event. They spared no expense. I would also like to refute allegations that I "nurse" my cards. I've been playing poker using statistical analysis for years. Statistically speaking...our little fish pond has become a shark pool. Nursing is - fondling one's cards, playing extremely conservatively usually with a small stackoverpair - or so I am told.

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I am currently considering using Bayesian Statistics. I would like to apply probability theory to the idea of using poker tracker/HUD to maximize +ev. My logic behind this idea is that every winning poker player has a "general read" that they will make in a heads up situation with no history on that specific player. Now the winning player can use history on an opponent to make a more educated decision (the winning player creates a posterior distribution of hand ranges of the opponent). In addition, the winning player is constantly modifying his read based on the action in the specific hand. The probability of the hand being the y axis, and all 169 possible hands ranging from 'weakest' (7,2o), to best (AA). I picture this being the pdf of the probability of hands, and your read would be the hand with the highest probability, or the highest point on the pdf. Is this even logical? I will find out next week. Oh, and if anyone ever tries to wear my wife's underwear again, it's in the OTHER drawer...those were mine. ;-)"

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Smith had this to say after I leaked the interview with the Commissioner to gauge reactions amongst the players. "Personally, I have no fucking idea what he just said but God help us the commish actually knows what this means. Is this even legal? I guess the Commissioner will rule it is, since he's the only one who knows WTF this is..."
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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was edged out of winning three straight tournament championship rings after the Commissioner took down some big late hands from Smith who bluffed right into his womb. The Dominator came in second becoming the biggest earner in this years MNPL play. "I think since I cut down all the crazy ass boozing, I've got a lot tighter at the end of the night. That will all change when I host the tournament this coming week. I'm coming to drink some beer and kick some ass. I better not run out of beer!"

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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser was in fine form. Bluffing from position and catching a break by hitting his flush on the river. "It was river night and I took a chance. Personally I find that guy Smith a bit annoying. Who doesn't drink beer? The guy uses vagisil? What is that for? Is that necessary. I just want to play some poker and hang out but these goat jokes and offensive racial comments are getting to me. I think I'm going to bring my own shovel next week and take down the donkey patrol."

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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold dashed back to his inlaws apartment after yet another loss in an unending series of losses. "I just can't get a read on these guys...I just can't. It's tough being the donkey all the time, my self esteem is suffering because of it. My wife tells me what to do now. What? You heard she always did that since I met her. Bullshit."

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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio was seen on halloween masquerading as Bruno. What a great costume! "I was able to let out some of my internal gayness on Halloween. It felt good. I'm a bit pent up in that way, but when I use my Spanish homo accent...I can understand why some dudes wear women's underwear. It's really strange to like such things but my wife still wears a strap on every now and then. Thank God for Halloween or I'd have a shrink."

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John "ZOMBIE" Smith has yet to place in the plus column this year. "I'd just like to be the first guy to ever admit using Vagisil. Yes, that's right. Print it bitch. My MNPL turning point was when my pocket aces got donkeyed on the river by a river rat. Facking flush chasers...fack me. I am going to be a freakin zombie next game...not move a muscle and my gooch will be the only tell I have. I'm taking down the Rabbits next week."

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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week:

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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich has come out the other side of his slump. After winning the Hand Washer of The Century award at a private and very clean reception dedicated to those who intend to survive the H1N1 Pandemic, the Juice had this to say. "Told you I'm not crazy. I was just ahead of the curve. Moo hoo haa haaaaaaaa! (Evil Laugh)." When asked why he had a garage full of Tammiflu, a hazmat suit and a basement full of surgical masks and rubber gloves he had this to say, "I'm taking it to the next level!"

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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris provided balls across the nose but ended up in the Rabbit's circle with the rest of the donkeys this week. "I come here to bet on the game! Football kicks ass. Poker is just an excuse to drink and yell and scream and wake up people's kids. I can't wait for the ping pong tourny. What? Hell yeah, that's why they call me BD...no not VD...BD! I gnaw on beavers. What do you mean that's not why....I don't hold up the game. The poker interrupts my football gambling addiction?"

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GIVING YOU THE NUTS:

OVERPAIR

What is an overpair? In hold em, a players pair is higher than any card among the community cards. For example, you start with J-J and the flop is 9-5-2. You have the overpair.

RABBIT

1. A weak player.

2. Short for after the rabbit or follow the rabbit. A form of draw, usually lowball, in which a player gets a bonus from the other players for winning two pots in a row. For example, in a $4-to-go no-limit lowball game, each player puts up $20, which goes into a kitty. Whoever wins two pots in a row gets the kitty. This tends to stimulate action, because when a player wins a pot, she is likely to loosen her requirements for the next pot to try to get the kitty. She may kill the next pot to try to increase her chances of winning the next pot and to keep out the two-card draws.

ZOMBIE

A poker player with no tells (see tell), one who has a poker face, shows no emotion, and otherwise exhibits no behavior to give away his holdings.

This week:

Aaron: +$45
Tal: +$30
Stewart: +$35
Brandon: -$10
Beaver Dam: -$20
Ronen: -$20
Al: -$20
Eugene: -$40 (likes taking it from behind at the river)

Quote of the Day #1: "If she can drive, she can be driven"

Quote of the Day #2: "If she can crawl, she can assume the position"

B.I.G. Poker Classic

Toronto, Canada – We have just learned of some breaking news regarding Commissioner Kline of the MNPL and his extracurricular activities. "Klein, was charged with possessing child pornography Friday after he handed his cell phone to a bartender who discovered child porn on it. According to police, Klein was drinking at a local bar when he discovered he didn't have enough money to cover the $60 bar tab he had incurred. He reportedly left his cell phone with the bartender as collateral, promising to return the next day to settle his account.The bartender turned the phone on later to discover 7 child porn images had been downloaded to the phone. When Klein returned to the bar the next day, police were waiting for him. During Klein's arrest, officers found two Oxycontin pills and a straw in his possession. Police then confiscated Klein's computer, which was being stored at his parent's home where he lives. A search of the computer revealed 300 to 400 additional child porn images had been downloaded."

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The Comissioner had this to say about these allegations, "My name is spelled K-L-I-N-E you idiot...not Klein...and I don't live in Wisconsin. You even spelled it differently in your quote! Mr. Goat, you will be hearing from my lawyer Seymour Butts! On a more important note, the MNPL will be suing Hollywood regarding the new movie to be released,"The Men Who Stare At Goats" which is loosely based on this blog. We hope to cash in BIG TIME."

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"I was a fox and now I'm working with goats," said Clooney, referring to Fantastic Mr Fox, in which he voices the lead character. "This goat was a particularly nice goat, we spent a lot of time together. He wanted to go over dying around me so we worked on that for a while. The funny thing is the goat was a great actor. He walked in and you went, 'Stare at the camera', and he did it. If you could get Ewan to do that it would help!"

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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was on full tilt after a press release hit the airwaves during the past week. After being donkey punched (verbally) by Ronny Gold, MacDoogan said he wanted to release the wraith of the mighty shovel on his ass. What that metaphor means is anyone's guess as we interviewed MacDoogan after he'd consumed a case of MGD. "I might bring a shovel next week...nah, I'll just continue to press Gold's string of Smith Collapses - he's now battling for the biggest donkey award with the Juice. Thank God I came back with some big hands after setting a new personal record for the fastest all in YI YI YI YIEEEEEEEEE in MNPL history. It had to be under five minutes and I pooched my gooch to the Gooch. I lost my entire chip stack on the first hand for the first time ever. It will never happen again...even if it does I'll still come back and win."
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold released this statement to the media this past week after Twittering for the first time on his Blackberry device while driving, smoking a cigarette and drinking a sweet, wonderful Tim Horton's coffee and navigating to the nearest adult video on his GPS. "Stewie...your constant swipes at my GPS leads me to think that either you are too technologically inept to operate such a device, or, years of drunken, farm-loving shovel handling has left you with the mental inability to operate such a device. Let us know which one it is tonight." Oh, bitch slap baby and balls across the chin.

Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio was the host of the tourny last night and provided both the booze and the entertainment. "Barbie was afraid to come after the last tournament. She was a human dodge ball bounced between the boys but after the mental images faded she was up for another round. Smith took an immediate liking to her and she was able to pleasure him to fullfillment. Then we double teamed her and he got jealous and left. What about poker? WHAT ABOUT POKER! I thought I was on a roll, I lost my shirt last night. Luckily MGD sponsored the event or I would have been financially ruined. Oh, the Leafs are shit too...I hate them...they just make me mad every year...year after year. The Penguins, now that is a storied franchise. How did they get the best four players in the game for the past twenty years? We get Matt Sundin and who...name another superstar...I dare you. Gilmour? 1993...say no more. I'm leaving...don't touch me. Why do I have an orange paddle stuck to my head? Ask Smith...he was touching Barbies Boobies...not me!"

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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: This was sent in anonymously at 2 am after the event. Someone was obviously a little bitter. "Clint fucking Aaron over $500,000 (hopefully I didn't get a disease) Sent from a BlackBerry device. Oops, that may narrow down the list of suspects. Pocket aces crushed a pair of Queens. The greatest comeback in the history of MNPL saw Clint Oris come from down 800,000 to winning 700,000. It was an awesome display of the right hands at the right time.
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris recently tested negative to HIV and was granted a spot in the tournament albeit last minute. He had the single greatest comeback in poker history. In dramatic fashion he was down 800,000 and ended up taking down hand after hand to pull down 700,000 and second place. "I realize my potential now. I can do anything! If I can come back from that dire straight, I could be Prime Minister. I could be an astronaut. I could be a porn star." J'Marcus was last scene shagging a wild goat with rubber wellingtons on. He had jacked the poor beasts back feet into his rain boots and was standing beside a cliff so the animal would push back harder. "Have you ever seen an elephants cock? It's the laziest thing alive. It was so lazy, it just stood there until it's nose grew and it could just pick up food. Same goes for the cock, it's as long as it's trunk. A truly amazing animal and one of my favorites. I wonder how big a female elephant's vag is? Mmm."
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John “Agent” Smith is back to his losing ways. The slow plodding losing streak has him reading books again and seeking advice from Daniel Negrano. "I have pocket aces, everyone folds....FACK! I have a pair of sevens, I bet hard...everyone folds and then a full house develops. I guess they have a read on me now...I'll have to wear some disguises or something. Taking down the juice with trip tens was my only good hand...oh, and winning with pocket jacks. I actually have a system now but it's not working. I have to go back to the drawing board. What? Oh...that. Yeah, after my penis was "chernobyled" a few weeks ago I'm back to normal. No more blood in the urine and the hair will grow back eventually. I can't report my actual winnings or losings in the blog, my wife might see."

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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is still slumping. Instead of an interview, he simply emailed me a list of books the Little Juice Box is now reading at sleepy time: The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, The Road to Serfdom, Economics in One Lesson, Human Action, Atlas Shrugged, and Democracy in America, as well as titles from Lew Rockwell, Murray Rothbard, and Hans Sennholz. We have received several phone calls at the station and they appear to be from a baby babbling and crying. We had a baby whisperer in the studio to translate. The baby appears to be saying, "Help. Save me! SOS! WTF do I have to do to get some ME time! She's always here...always holding me. Damn you...help me." We aren't sure who sent this message or what it really means but the number we traced the call back to was the Juice's house. A further investigation into this crank call will be discussed next week.
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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser rolled with the punches again this week. "My part time job as a pool boy pays big dividends. I hammered three desperate housewives this week and one was a squirter. She seemed all embarassed at first but then we pulled out the rubber sheets and went to town. No it's not pee, she wouldn't pee all over me...it's the big O...you know, the Giant O!" There is no real consensus on the female ejaculant but you can believe what you will. How this relates to poker is anyone's guess.
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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: Juice - A Texas Hold'em poker hand, when holding a jack and a duce, J-2. This is called juice.

"Oh you have pocket aces? I umm....have the juice."

"heh....I have the Brunson (Poker Noob)

"Oh yeah? ....I got the juice!"

This week:
Aaron : -$20
Eugene : -$40
Al: -$20
Brandon: -$20
Tal: -$30
Clint: $70
Stew: $70
Ronen: -$30

RW Poker Classic

Toronto, Canada – Commissioner Kline of the MNPL was in New York visiting with other senior executives discussing the future of poker tournaments and they have said that playing a game of poker on the moon is not beyond their reach. "You have to dream big...or what's the point?" Said Kline from his video conference.

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Stewie “Kicking Our Asses” MacDoogan not only punished this weeks competitors he also won Donkey of the Night award for re-raising on a bluff of epic proportions...going head to head against nicely placed pair of hooks and hitting a straight on the river. "I didn't even want to take the chips after that call. I think I kicked out my back legs and hee hawed after the river card. I'd have reached over and choked me to death if I had of lost to this hand. It helped me win the grand price of $900,000 though. Damn it all, my new motto is, just be honest with my cards and yell it out before each hand. It psychologically damages the hand. It's a Phil Helmuth move...Gaudio gets it. The most amazing thing about me? Good question. It's my math skills. I can tell you how much you have in a stack of chips at a hundred paces and can count up the final tally faster than a bobcat on a baby. Yes, I did read that email again. I do realize that Gaudio does in fact have fourteen children as indicated. I have no further comment."

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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold continues his streak of Smith Collapses and ironically on this night, Smith too had a complete Smith Collapse. "I had to pick out appliances today and was wondering if I had made the correction decisions...I was poking and prodding my fellow players for information on what good prices are, what a good make is when this disgusting, foul mouthed fuck tongue Smith starts talking about which hand to shake at an Indian restaurant or something. Why the hell would someone wipe their own ass with their hand? I'm sorry, but I would offend a lot of these medieval dudes cause I'm a righty...even when pulling the pud. How could I go my whole life, wiping with my left and eating with my right. I actually Googled this when I got home and can't believe it's actually true. They think it's cleaner than using toilet paper. Let me tell you something you stinky ass curry munchers...it's not. I'm bringing a bar of soap next week and I'm going to wash out some stank mouths. Why does Smith keep fondling Gaudio? What is happening to this league? I demand answers!" I'm not sure at what point the comment about HIV occured but even this blog has some limits. Even humor could be brought to a hate crimes tribunal somewhere. We are still the worlds number one most disgusting, polittically incorrect poker table.
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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio took down second place with a purse of $200,00. "In a wierd way I'm kind of glad that I'm winning but I miss the angry hate fu*&'s I received upon returning home in debt every Monday night. I used to get punched in the face, cursed at and tied up by a curling rod cord. Now? Now I take home some bacon and it's lights out." Wow...TMI dude...T.M.I! Like the new nickname but keep it on the downlow. Wives do not like to be talked about. We heard recently that John Smith was seen stealing children's toys from your front lawn the day they were to be picked up by a charity. Can you confirm this. "Yep, it's true. The guy has no moral fibre. He's lost his moral compass. It's almost as bad as stealing your neighbors empties on garbage day and hoarding them in you garage for a big pay day. No, Smith doesn't do that but we all know someone who does...where is he these days anyway? Did he retire?

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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: There were several marvelous hands to speak of. One was the Ace of Hearts flush draw reraise all in by Gaudio that saw Oris fold the nuts, it tripled the Gooch's chip count who called all in with only $45,000 to bet with and saw a Smith Dent committed as John Smith called Gaudio's all in but had him covered. With a nine and ten of hearts chasing the infamous straight flush with the seven of hearts and the jack on board, which, as anyone who has played poker before, is not worth risking most of your chip stack to chase Smith went for it and paid the Piper. The second marvelous hand was the Royal Flush which saw Oris take down a sizable chunk of change. Players at the table were taking pictures and salivating at this rare and unusual hand. Smith said he actually "finished" when he saw that hand.
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris returned recently from Myrtle Beach and after the interview he was on his way to check himself into an HIV clinic to get his his strawberry banana hammer hosed and bulldozed. "I will cut off my cock if I have to. What do you mean it's not like Cancer where they can remove a Tumor? Are you fucking kidding me? There's no real cure just a cocktail of drugs to keep people living longer. Mmm...are they like, fun drugs that I could take at a party?"

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It all started out at a club called Crazy Hoes which was voted the No. 1 club chain in the country by Exotic Dancer Magazine, a publication with as much integrity as basket full of dark skinned banana jammers. It's best known for having a variety of exotic women from all sorts of exotic locales like Brazil. They have a herd of 80-100 strippers every night for your viewing pleasure, as well as VIP and Presidential rooms. They also have three bars and "full-service rooms". His group then continued on to Derriere's Gentlemen's Club, which happens to be the only fully nude club in the Myrtle Beach area. It's BYOB. If you're some kind of right-wing religious nut, please do not continue reading.

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After paying for and receiving a Brazilian wax and a Shiatsu rub with no tug with the DJ watching, Mr. Oris did the unthinkable. "I couldn't help it. I was so turned on and in a lot of pain. I had NO IDEA what a Brazilan wax was...dude, that ain't right! Then this dude who looked like a lady offered me three grand to jablow him. That cover the interest I owe to the Juice plus a bit extra. So...I did what anyone who wouldn't want his legs broken would do. I pocketed the cash and he slipped his love knot into my gag chamber. He dropped a bomb while he was in there too. I paid for my trip too and got to squeeze two very real looking boobies in the process. Please don't tell my mother."

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John “Agent” Smith was back to his Smith Collapse. With half an hour to go he bluffed into trip nines with a pair of fours and was sent packing by Macdoogan. We heard that he was in for a heart procedure the week before and we were able to interview one of the nurses who was in the ICU ward that day. Inversely she has resigned from all further duties as of October 8th. Nurse Ellen, can you tell us a bit about the procedure and how it went for Mr. Smith, was he a good patient? "Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. That filthy bag of salt has ruined me. He's a big pussy fart! He complains so loudly about a catheter that we didn't put one in. Then after the operation, he gets rolled into my ward all messed up on pain killers and what not and couldn't piss. The barbarian didn't even shave before the surgery. You would think, a grown man of almost forty years would think twice about using a condom catheter and not shaving his fruit bowl. I have never seen such a mess. We had to give him Oxy cottons just to cut out the pubic hedge that was stuck in the glue of the condom. It was awful, he kept screaming and then right in the middle of the ordeal, he goes wooden. Imagine? What kind of a sick bastard takes pleasure in all that pain. I could be his mother. (she didn't see the irony in that comment at all -oh yes I did!)

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All that pain and this insufferable goat shagger gets his disco stick in ready mode. He couldn't pee for an hour, he's sweating because his own body is poisoning him, he's just had his balls sheared and waxed, his chest must feel like three fat women are sitting on him and he's able to get a donkey kong sized erection. (She didn't get the irony this one either.) \

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A one legged mule in a cunt factory couldn't have been more alert. This spider monkey let's out a Macedonian War Cry when I tore off his pubis pelt. I called it that because I still have the condom...it looks like three dead spiders ate a snake." Okay...I can see why you quit your job. "There was three of us working on this issue. Then, I jammed the real catheter in and he begins to yodel like a Swiss school girl high on meth. He filled the bag in three minutes. It took longer to get the condom off and more technical skill than three surgeons to fix him up. I quit my job right after...it's just not worth it anymore. It's a sick sick world out there full of sick men." With that, nurse Ellen proceeded to jump out the ten story window screaming the words, "I can't un-see thaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" as she fell.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is still slumping. Not so bad this week, I'm reigning it in like Santa in a room full of nude women with reindeer hats on. Okay, it's still Halloween first...I know the order. I was more disapointed that the Little Juice Box couldn't pick the spread. It was a tough night long before I arrived. I'm still slumping though and something has got to give. I have noticed the connection between Smith quitting drinking and becoming my designated driver and my poker game deteriorating. I also miss the table talk Kline and I get away with each week, he wasn't there to massage my decisions. Let's just say I'll have the donkey award wrapped up by Christmas."

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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser was donkeyed by Macdoogan and has listed him at in the number one position of his "Will Kill" list. "I bumped Perez Hilton to number two, shoved the glamtastic American Idol HOMO Adam Lambert to number three and had to let go of my number nine and number ten. You guessed it, Carrot Top and Oprah Winfrey. Why Oprah? You can't buy thin with all the money in the world? WTF? ." Wasser was able to go up and down again but left with a respectable loss as he clearly had the nuts when he made his all in call. "I'll pick it up again next week. I would like it to be noted that this is the first time there was a strippers pole in the middle of the table and that the throne and poker shaved smooth table will be making more appearances in up coming events. Smith has requested the throne be brought to each tournament. I think Smith was asleep when he called all in by accident. No one would call an all in with a pair of fours and still be conscious would they? Yes...carbonated water is the trend."

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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: Some ‘Seriously Avanced’ Sit & Go Tactics
Well, the other day I was playing a fairly small, single table, NL tournament. In the early stages everybody had some 1500 in chips, as did I, and the blinds were 20/40. I picked up pocket Aces in middle position so I open-raised to 100, 2,5 times the big blind. All players folded to the big blind, who called to see a flop of A92 rainbow. A perfect flop, I held the nuts with trip Aces and with no straight- or flushdraw out there there, if he held any part of that board, he was destined to lose a considerable amount of chips to me.
The villain checked out of position and I made a small bet of 100 chips into a 220 pot. He raised to 520, making the pot 840 and leaving him with just under 900 in chips. By now it was obvious he has a good Ace or maybe even smaller trips, and I figured I could play this hand for all his chips. So I min-raised him to 940, knowing he would be left with some 500 chips which he would have to move to the middle within the foreseeable future. He did just that by moving all-in, I called, he showed AK and the turn- and rivercard, a Q and a T, left me with a doubled-up stack. Had I moved all-in after his re-raise I would have given him a chance to demonstrate a great laydown, hence the minimum raise for which I knew I was going to get him to call.
This is actually one of the very few times I would get all of my chips in pre-flop in such early stages!
Continue Reading »

Guess the GOOCH!

Article by Julius Goat

WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist

Author of, "Where is my Taint REALLY?"Sponsored by Tea House Cookies, Doritos and Pizza Pizza.

AK CLASSIC SPONSORED BY THE GOOCH

Toronto, Canada – Commissioner Kline of the MNPL has proceeded to provide information on the true champions are of Monday Night Poker. By publishing a list of winnings we will be able to chart the progress of the Donkey Award and the Monday Night Poker Champion. So far the Juice is in a "poker slump" unlike any we have seen in the MNPL. The top three winners on a roll are lead by the Scottish Steakhouse Champion of 1996 Stewie Macdoogan. (SSC 2003 was a Mcdonalds sponsored poker tournament when wee Stewie was just 8 years old). Also, listed at the bottom of the article, the Commish has outlined the tax laws regarding illegal gambling - as if such a thing existed. Note: These are all hypothetical games with fictional outcomes.

Stewie “King Katze Konservative” MacDoogan had this to say about his poker game. "If, after the first twenty minutes, you don't know who the sucker at the table is, it's you! I heard that somewhere, I think it was the time I was teabagging this Spanish poker fan in the Cambodian Poker Internatioanl Tournament. I was just starting out and this crazy broad says, take me to my room before I kill you. So I did. She used sandpaper on my scrotum and called me Elvis all night long. It was a great time. She also told me, "cards are war, in disguise of a sport." It's true, when you are good and you quote smart people, you sound smart dude. Totally!" Stewie is on a roll and has only succeeded in suffering a Smtih Dent...not a full all out Smith Collapse thus far and has taken his game to the next level.
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Boris “B.I.G.” Gaudio. What can we say? He almost caused a Smith Collapse on Smith himself. I went all in at one point because I was bored shitless. Litterally, I couldn't take a dump in Kline's toilet. I had to do something, unfortunately I added to Macdoogan's chip count. I'll remember that next time. I need the Thanksgiving break to spend my winnings. I'll be broke in two weeks and looking for some cash after I spend ten grand just on Turkey. I'm having fun again and the cards are coming. This is starting out to be a much better year, I may not have to buy six bottles of Crown on special...which I don't even drink just to sponsor. I have noticed one thing, my thumbs are getting HUGE. I can crank out text on the blackberry faster than a nympho darting her G. (That's quick and nimble!)

.There's a valid reason for the thumbs, they hide my cards at the table. Can't see over these nasty puppies, they look like big toes with little nails. So odd...so powerful in the bedroom too. Big thumbs are trendy, I don't stuff my underwear anymore on conferences...I just wiggle my thumbs like the Fonze and the ladies cum running." We believe Gaudio hasn't seen daylight since Monday so we'll just print up these styrofoam words and take the edge off reality.

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Sidenote: I bet the Jolly Green Giant would slaughter the Kool Aid, Michelin and Staypuff all at once in some WWF cage match. Of course he'd have the little green Martian kid that grew up to be the Great Kazoo on the Flintstones.

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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was the sponsor of this weeks event and having run out of chips, Crown and dignity by the first smoke break, the smell of his shame permeated the table. So much so that a united group of players ordered a fresh pizza in protest. Pizza Pizza is a new sponsor. "Hey, last few weeks, no one ate the chips....we're a three bag max Monday night crew. Who knew none of you fat fucks ate dinner?" Woah Nelly, that's getting personal, tone it down Gooch. "Fuck you goat boy. The 800 ML bottle is usually MORE than enough...isn't it?" Comissioner Kline said fines would be imminent and that there will never again be a partial sponsorship as the grumblings from both fans and players were heard echoing throughout the league and the Universe this week.

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The Justice League of America were called in from planet Zork where they were battling a civil war between the local population of marshmellow people and an invading horde of sentient beings that appeared to be disguised as sticks. They kept attacking the native marshmellows and holding them over large fires. It smelled damn good but they were trying to avoid a massive Genocide. More on that later when Green Lantern meets with them to discuss plans to crush the MNPL once and for all. Yes, I have been taking a lot of pain medication lately this paragraph sounds like a Trekky on acid.

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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: The Gooch suffered a complete Smith Collapse at the hands of Macdoogan who took him down like a fat man on a bowl of rice. Yeah, that's down man...totally down. "I had two pairs...I didn't even see the three nines as a possibility. I called all in thinking I had the nuts...then whammo...my balls started sweating. I think Macdoogan knows my tell now...when the Gooch quivers and sweats...I don't have much in the hand. I'll be wearing a cup next week and a pair of depends. Next time Macdoogon..."

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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris was busy with his new career in insurance jobs for cars. He was last seen in Barries Kempenfelt Bay climbing out the sunroof of a 2003 blue Cavalier screaming..."Sink you bitch...sink!"
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Guess The Gooch: (Oh Yes we did!) A blue chip goes to the person who correctly guesses who this gooch is most similar too. it's a tight baloon knot so that should give you a hint. Also, it's a gay virgin gooch. That could narrow it down if you know some dirt on other players. Final hint...he's got facial hair - oh, not that's his porcupine bush monster. My bad. Trim that up dude. Wow.

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John “BOW” Smith (back on the wagon) is finally in the plus column this season after a terrible start. "I'm finally feeling comfortable after getting slammed at The Juices' place a couple of weeks ago. It reminded me why I quit drinking in the first place. I woke up with a plate of pogo sticks and ketchup smeared across my labia...yes, I know what that is. I have a vag for god sake...look at me. I vacuum, drive a minivan, own crocs, cook dinner, take out the garbage, read the kids stories before bed. I'm a god damn woman. Fack it!" Smith ran screaming from the interview area and I think I actually heard him say..."F*&K MY LIFE...I NEED JAGGER!"
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We heard that he was in for a heart procedure and we were able to interview one of the nurses who was in the ICU ward that day. Inversely she has resigned from all further duties as of October 8th. Nurse Ellen, can you tell us a bit about the procedure and how it went for Mr. Smith, was he a good patient? "Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. That filthy bag of salt has ruined me. He's a big pussy fart! He complains so loudly about a catheter that we didn't put one in. Then after the operation, he gets rolled into my ward all messed up on pain killers and what not. The barbarian didn't even shave before the surgery. You would think, a grown man of almost forty years would think twice about using a condom catheter and not shaving his fruit bowl. I have never seen such a mess. We had to give him Oxy cottons just to cut out the pubic hedge that was stuck in the glue of the condom. It was awful, he kept screaming and then right in the middle of the ordeal, he gets wood. Imagine? All that pain and this insufferable idiot gets a hard on. He couldn't pee for an hour, he's sweating because his own body is poisoning him, he's just had his balls sheared and waxed and he's able to get hard. A donkey couldn't have got a boner with six bottles of Viagra and this spider monkey let's out a Macedonian War Cry when I tore off half his pubes, I still have the condom...it looks like three dead spiders ate a snake." Okay...I can see why you quit your job. "There was three of us working on this issue. Then, I jammed the real catheter in and he begins to yodel like a Swiss school girl high on meth. He filled the bag in three minutes. It took longer to get the condom off and more technical skill than three surgeons to fix him up. I quit my job right after...it's just not worth it anymore. It's a sick sick world out there full of stupid men." With that, nurse Ellen proceeded to jump out the ten story window screaming the words, "I can't un-see thaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" as she fell.

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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is in the happiest poker slump of his life. "Look, when your son learns the spreads instead of sign language...any father would be proud. Last Monday night, I hold up two shirts...Dallas and Minnesota. I point at one and then I point at the other. The shirt that he cries the loudest on...I pick. It's a simple method of ensuring the next generation of Mastrovich's carries on the family business of Juicing. Without this we are nothing. I couldn't give a rats hairless vagina about poker right now, it's the lowest thing on my priorities. I did miss Oris who tends to off set my poker losses. Hopefully he'll be back next week. I get a night away from crying, I get to have a laugh, drink crown and laugh at Smith who isn't drinking. I would pay sixty bucks just to sit on the couch and watch football...maybe next week I will."

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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser made some big moves in position but failed to outbluff Smith on several occasions. All in all a quiet night, losing only $20,000. It's good, the guys are just off the wall but the humor, albeit racialist isn't too bad. These guys just hate everyone so there's no holds barred. I'm looking forward to the initiation...they've all explained the goat sex thing isn't so bad. Smith even kept his goat after his initiation and shaved it's pubes into a mohawk just for kicks. I'll get through it, I'm a team player."
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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: Raise - Raise and raise some more, call only when trapping. The person who takes direct control of the hand pre-flop wins 80% of the time. Always take control. The players personality will dictate how you will play your hand. But, always bring it in for a raise. Trap players with calls in late position and please never re-raise a player who had not played a hand in 40 minutes. Look for the loose players and re-raise them...

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Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of, "What is the Cuzzif and is it the same as a Taint?"Sponsored by Tea House Cookies, Doritos and Pizza Pizza.

Taxation policy:
In this hypothetical poker game that you refer to which I have never partaken in and have never won any money that would be considered taxable under the Income Tax Act (Canada), R.S.C. 1985 (5th Supplement) c. 1, as amended, (the “Act”) my strictly theoretical numbers are as follows:

PS – Juice, even if you could establish that gambling was a business for you and therefore should be included in your income pursuant to section 3 of the Act, proposed paragraph 3.1(1) of the Act states that a taxpayer can only deduct losses when they have a reasonable expectation of cumulative net profit in the future. I’ll leave that determination up to you.

PPS - The comments expressed in this email are based on (i) the provisions of the Act in force on
the date of this memo; (ii) my understanding of the relevant judicial decisions and principles of Canadian income tax law published prior to the date of this memo; (iii) my understanding of the current published administrative and assessing practices of the Canada Revenue Agency (“CRA”) and the qualification that there can be no assurance that the CRA will not change such practices; and (iv) such other principles of tax law as I have considered relevant.