Toronto, Canada – The MNPL is alive and well. Criminal charges have been dropped and Commissioner Kline has been reinstated. "Thank God! What else do I have to live for? Chaos reigned in the league during my absence. I think there was pressure from the GM's to turn a blind eye to the entire Virgin Classic ordeal. I was guilty as hell but I do a great job. I look forward to the season ahead and to a whole, pardon my french, shi&load of controversy! As famouse rapper Kanye West recently said, "There ain't no such thing as rape and damn it all, there ain't no such thing as bad publicity!" Chris Brown emphatically agreed after he did a full one hour segmant on Larry King after he pistol whipped Beyonce who probably deserved some form of punishment for not blowing Brown when he was driving his Lamborgini going 280 MPH while intoxicated. He is a superstar after all.
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Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan was back on form and took an early chip lead but suffered a mind blowing knockout at the hands of Smith. "I thought he had nothing. I came storming back though and won some cash. Oris was on Fire, his luck will run out soon, he wins in poker but loses all his Vegas bets on Monday night football to the Juice. Crazy stuff. How was the Disney gig? Ah, it blew goats. I got fired on the first day for showing up in a goat costume with assless chaps. There was a bus load of Japanese tourists with their children who were escorted from the theatre. Ah well, another one bites the dustpipe. Hey, if you google White Tornado, the first entry on Urban Dictionary is pretty gross, and when I look at who wrote it, it was amazing. I thought you wrote under the name Richard Beck? I thought you used that name for your more serious stuff....Julius? Where are you going dude?"
Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan was back on form and took an early chip lead but suffered a mind blowing knockout at the hands of Smith. "I thought he had nothing. I came storming back though and won some cash. Oris was on Fire, his luck will run out soon, he wins in poker but loses all his Vegas bets on Monday night football to the Juice. Crazy stuff. How was the Disney gig? Ah, it blew goats. I got fired on the first day for showing up in a goat costume with assless chaps. There was a bus load of Japanese tourists with their children who were escorted from the theatre. Ah well, another one bites the dustpipe. Hey, if you google White Tornado, the first entry on Urban Dictionary is pretty gross, and when I look at who wrote it, it was amazing. I thought you wrote under the name Richard Beck? I thought you used that name for your more serious stuff....Julius? Where are you going dude?"
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris" just couldn't be beaten, he took down the tournament in style and gracious apologetic handshakes. "I really don't give a shit but it looks good for the sponsors and the fans when I shake hands with the donkeys. I can't believe I hit a full house on the river to knock out Smith and Kline. Nothing better than that. Sure I was beat by the trip 2's but I had two pairs and look, the river came to senor . I had more gut shot straights and belly busters than a pack of lauging hyenas smoking crack pipes with a bunch of Sumo wrestling comedians. I love Sumo! Sorry Eon. Is there anything worse than winning a tournament and having to pay all my winnings to the Juice? I can think of worse things. He didn't win all my cash...well, over the past six months he probably has but if the Leafs win the Stanley Cup this year...I'm gonna be rich! They CAN win, I'm telling you!! Colton Orr is related to Bobby Orr it's a done deal. We even have a goddam HANSON in the dressing room. They kicked some ass in Slapshot...those dudes owned the rink when they played. What? I hadn't heard the news about the Swedish goalies heart...oh damn it, we can't win with Toskala. Shit...fack me Kanada!"
Clint "J'Marcus" Oris" just couldn't be beaten, he took down the tournament in style and gracious apologetic handshakes. "I really don't give a shit but it looks good for the sponsors and the fans when I shake hands with the donkeys. I can't believe I hit a full house on the river to knock out Smith and Kline. Nothing better than that. Sure I was beat by the trip 2's but I had two pairs and look, the river came to senor . I had more gut shot straights and belly busters than a pack of lauging hyenas smoking crack pipes with a bunch of Sumo wrestling comedians. I love Sumo! Sorry Eon. Is there anything worse than winning a tournament and having to pay all my winnings to the Juice? I can think of worse things. He didn't win all my cash...well, over the past six months he probably has but if the Leafs win the Stanley Cup this year...I'm gonna be rich! They CAN win, I'm telling you!! Colton Orr is related to Bobby Orr it's a done deal. We even have a goddam HANSON in the dressing room. They kicked some ass in Slapshot...those dudes owned the rink when they played. What? I hadn't heard the news about the Swedish goalies heart...oh damn it, we can't win with Toskala. Shit...fack me Kanada!"
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Boris “Back in the Game” Gaudio was recently sued by Peter North who makes a living off his giant meat prow and takes offense that other lesser men can now even the playing field with him. The ebook that raked in millions is now the bane of Gaudio's existence. “How to Enlarge Your Penis – Guaranteed to Work or Your $ back!” The book actually cost Gaudio his life savings after Peter North sued him in a civil suit.
Boris “Back in the Game” Gaudio was recently sued by Peter North who makes a living off his giant meat prow and takes offense that other lesser men can now even the playing field with him. The ebook that raked in millions is now the bane of Gaudio's existence. “How to Enlarge Your Penis – Guaranteed to Work or Your $ back!” The book actually cost Gaudio his life savings after Peter North sued him in a civil suit.
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Peter North's lawyer, Candy Taintlik, a Russian pole dancer cum pornography lawyer to the stars, had this to say. "We are happy with the decision. Peter is a God and mortals should never attempt God status. If you want a milk bath call Peter, he can deliver. All of you men who wish to imitate, stop the nonsense. Go back to your day jobs and leave the art of sex to the master." I couldn't actually hear anything as her ji-siliously large mammaries were staring their big round beautiful selves at me. I actually copied this quote from another magazine. She was the hottest lawyer I've ever seen. I actually felt some precum jitters during the interview and headed to the bathroom to "relieve" myself post haste. What a lawyer! I almost forgot, Gaudio has a new nickname cause he placed second in the tourny. Gaudio hasn't had a finish like this since the night he made triplets.
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Ronny “Inlaws Forever” Gold was still trying to find consistency on the poker table. He goes up and down more times in the chip count than two lesbians riding double ended dildos. Now that is a LOT! "I was up and then down, then up. Then Smith pulled a Phil Helmuth and talked me about of a pot I deserved. He wasn't bluffing was he? Oh...oh damn. He didn't even have a pair. He called all in with nothing? I'll remember that!!! What have I been doing in the off season? Well, I've learned some new skills. I know how to sound proof a third bedroom and I've learned to enjoy silent sex. Smith told me about the whole Doogy Howzer move, it's basically having sex with your wife while she's sleeping. He's a goddamn zen master if he can finish before she wakes up. No, that doesn't turn me on. What? Hey, we're talking about some personal stuff here Julius, slow down. Turn that microphone off, I thought we were just meeting up for a beer."
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Eon "Cannonball" Bosmeller was a no show as he was fighting in his first Sumo fight in Tokyo. Eon had his arm partially bitten off by Dong Shlongpingalingdong - the East Asian Arm wrestling champ in 2002. It appears that Dong thought Eon was a giant hamburger. Dong had been dieting drastically for weeks to shed fifty pounds to enter the Lighter Backfatroll weight category. In that process he had been taken some banned substances and began to hallucinate. Doctors have recently found that Eon has rabies and will be remaining in Tokyo for at least another week to undergo tests and heal his wounds. "You know, I expected a lot of things to happen and prepared for them over the past few months but this, this is just a catastrophe. I've never been mistaken for food, except that time I was swimming with the dolphins and flipper went crazy. Anyway, this is a major setback and I think I may have to hang up my Green Giant sized thong and go and kick the living shit out of some skinny dude in Toronto's China town to make myself feel better."
John “Sober” Smith has been seen around town wearing blue crocs, driving a mini-van, eating timbits and in dire need of a haircut. "I have thrown in the towel. Sobriety is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've completely let go of myself and have become one with the universe. I'm coming back to me. The old me that didn't care about superficial things like haircuts and money and dressing to please other people. I am me. I am a human. I am beautiful. How was it being sober for the first time in a room full of boozers? Have you ever seen a fat woman sweating in a cupcake shop. That's what it's like for me with booze. My brain was screaming out, concentrate. "Poker - BOOOZE - Poker - BOOZE - POKER - booze - Barbie - BOOZE!“ It was like a broken record playing out in my brain. I couldn't concentrate and got taken out by Oris twice. Can't read that guy at all. He's throwing all this noise around him so I can't get a read. I used to be "more miserable than a one-eyed trouser snake that’s puked during the warm up.” Now I'm happier than a pig in a poop pen whose hammering a cracked up porn star who just needs some quick cash with his squiggly wiggly. I'm hosting next week so if everyone could wear white pointy hats and white cloaks. The KKK hates jews as well? Oh, so that would be a bit of conflict. My neigbors don't know some of you are Jewish...oh, it wouldn't be in good taste for you to pretend. How am I going to drive the bastards out of Vellore Village?
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Ronny “Inlaws Forever” Gold was still trying to find consistency on the poker table. He goes up and down more times in the chip count than two lesbians riding double ended dildos. Now that is a LOT! "I was up and then down, then up. Then Smith pulled a Phil Helmuth and talked me about of a pot I deserved. He wasn't bluffing was he? Oh...oh damn. He didn't even have a pair. He called all in with nothing? I'll remember that!!! What have I been doing in the off season? Well, I've learned some new skills. I know how to sound proof a third bedroom and I've learned to enjoy silent sex. Smith told me about the whole Doogy Howzer move, it's basically having sex with your wife while she's sleeping. He's a goddamn zen master if he can finish before she wakes up. No, that doesn't turn me on. What? Hey, we're talking about some personal stuff here Julius, slow down. Turn that microphone off, I thought we were just meeting up for a beer."
.
Eon "Cannonball" Bosmeller was a no show as he was fighting in his first Sumo fight in Tokyo. Eon had his arm partially bitten off by Dong Shlongpingalingdong - the East Asian Arm wrestling champ in 2002. It appears that Dong thought Eon was a giant hamburger. Dong had been dieting drastically for weeks to shed fifty pounds to enter the Lighter Backfatroll weight category. In that process he had been taken some banned substances and began to hallucinate. Doctors have recently found that Eon has rabies and will be remaining in Tokyo for at least another week to undergo tests and heal his wounds. "You know, I expected a lot of things to happen and prepared for them over the past few months but this, this is just a catastrophe. I've never been mistaken for food, except that time I was swimming with the dolphins and flipper went crazy. Anyway, this is a major setback and I think I may have to hang up my Green Giant sized thong and go and kick the living shit out of some skinny dude in Toronto's China town to make myself feel better."
John “Sober” Smith has been seen around town wearing blue crocs, driving a mini-van, eating timbits and in dire need of a haircut. "I have thrown in the towel. Sobriety is the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've completely let go of myself and have become one with the universe. I'm coming back to me. The old me that didn't care about superficial things like haircuts and money and dressing to please other people. I am me. I am a human. I am beautiful. How was it being sober for the first time in a room full of boozers? Have you ever seen a fat woman sweating in a cupcake shop. That's what it's like for me with booze. My brain was screaming out, concentrate. "Poker - BOOOZE - Poker - BOOZE - POKER - booze - Barbie - BOOZE!“ It was like a broken record playing out in my brain. I couldn't concentrate and got taken out by Oris twice. Can't read that guy at all. He's throwing all this noise around him so I can't get a read. I used to be "more miserable than a one-eyed trouser snake that’s puked during the warm up.” Now I'm happier than a pig in a poop pen whose hammering a cracked up porn star who just needs some quick cash with his squiggly wiggly. I'm hosting next week so if everyone could wear white pointy hats and white cloaks. The KKK hates jews as well? Oh, so that would be a bit of conflict. My neigbors don't know some of you are Jewish...oh, it wouldn't be in good taste for you to pretend. How am I going to drive the bastards out of Vellore Village?
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We recently heard you've been nominated for wife of the year, is that true? "Uh, how did you find out about that? Yeah, I was nominated by my three year old. I cook dinner, I quit drinking, smoking and listening to loud music in the car. I've started vacuuming the house and taking the kids to the park. I make a pretty good wife. I think the clincher will be when the panel of judges hears how I just stand by the window with the central vac hose sucking up dust as it enters the house. I learned that trick from my mother in law. I just need to get solar power for the Vacuum, it's a killer on the electricity bill.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich has been off the radar for months. He has several business ventures on the go including scalping tickets through his new wholesaler, John Smith. "He's cheaper than Ebay!" When asked about his newborn Tal really opened up. "I've got to admit, parenting hasn't gotten off to a great start. I've learned to stay an hour late each day to avoid the noise. My wife has recently removed her left arm in order to insert a prosthetic arm with a bassinet built onto it because we really can't put the little bugger down. It was a huge sacrafice for me, it was her right arm for God's sake.
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Other big changes include my neigborhood and privacy being invaded by the Smith's. We really didn't realize how close they would be when they bought the lot at the end of the street. It's kind of wierd. I've become Wilson now, I just sort of poke half my head over the fence and give sound advice to Smith for free. God knows, if our wives weren't related he would be juiced to the max. The bastard still hasn't returned my ladder after three weeks. Poker has been slow and steady, I'm trying to mix up my game now. Everyone knows I'm a tight player so I will have to start betting sporadically to mix things up a bit. I'm thinking of taking a course too, how to become more efficient as a human being. No, I didn't know they called that the Ultimate Couch Potatoe in Cosmo. I thought it would be a great way to try and find some time to help out around the house. Well, yes, the course is fourteen hours a week for six months...but after that, think of the cost benefit to the family. What? I hadn't heard the news today. Smith accidentally electrocuted himself? He was changing light switches? Why would he be doing that, he's not an electrician...he was doing it with the wires live? Oh good God, I tried to talk him out of this last week. I have to call Kline, excuse me."
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Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of, "How Can I Play Poker Like a Bully"
Sponsored by Tea House Cookies, Doritos and Redbull
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