“Kline Back in the Drivers Seat"
http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online
What a night! The Single-table tournament – ring style – Texas Hold Em No Limit Tournament of Champions saw the biggest turn out of the season and the largest pot ever on the line. The tournament had more buy-ins’ than a Mexican Taco stand in LA selling burritos for a penny. It was amazing. “We’ve never played a tournament North of the 49th parallel and I wasn’t sure the big names would come. They had to make it extra special so when they offered a private jet and caviar, I couldn’t say no. From shrimp rings to the best dip in the history of chip dip to a fully stocked bar and adult movie entertainment, this was by far the most fun I’ve had at an MNPL® event. Yes I did fly out on the red eye but hey, the ladies serving cocktails also serviced me with a happy ending - sometimes you have to go big or go home.” Said Ronny “The Wonder Kid” Gold who is still looking for a big win this season.
League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline’s released a statement today regarding the use of shrimp rings at MNPL® sanctioned events. “Shrimp rings are banned by Green Peace who have jumped on board recently as a sponsor. When you buy a shrimp ring you get the following - tropical shrimp, endangered sea turtles, other marine fish, potable water stolen from coastal communities, mangrove forests that provide homes for other marine species, antibiotics, pesticides, over a billion cubic metres of toxic waste discharge, viruses, a few sprigs of corruption and human rights abuses, and some cocktail sauce. Originally we thought this was a great idea but after reviewing the evidence from the tree hugging left wing pinkos we have decided to put a hold on them until our board of directors and MNPL® Disciplinarian Colin Campbell review the video replays. Vice President of media relations Seymour Butts was in Hawaii reviewing his latest video release and was not available for comment.
The Calculator was jovial and in a great mood this week after the league introduced two new sponsors, Green Peace and The Cole Clinic. Kline also took first place in the IB International winning the $500,000 first prize after almost getting stopped at the border when he set off radiation alerts. Once his car was searched and the “suspicious” stains in his backseat turned out to be traces of a natural substance he was set free. “I recently visited Xytex International (US sperm bank) and my sample accidentally overflowed. Who knew I was radioactive? Twelve hundred years ago, the Danes spread their genes in Britain by rape and occupation. Now they are taking a less confrontational approach: a Danish sperm bank Crysos (the world's largest sperm bank) is stocking up large amounts of semen ready to flood the British market when sperm donation rules are changed next year so I thought I would do my part. Cryos, whose motto is “We keep the stork busy”, hopes to take advantage of a likely sperm shortage in June 2009, when sperm donors in Britain lose their anonymity, meaning any children that they beget will be able to trace them. Personally, I don’t like the taste of it at all. Xytex is holding a 'clearance sale' of sperm from prolific donors like me my goal is a world full of Klines. Is that so wrong?”
Interviews With the Stars
Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan was in second place which turned out to be a three way tie with Mr. Oris and Mr. Smith. “I was simply trying to avoid another Smith Collapse and was able to hold onto my chips. I made some extra chips when I punched Oris which resulted in a broken orbital bone. When they told me that it would only be a $2600 fine, I threw in some white chips and knocked him out. It felt good and you will see more violence until they realize the fines are too low. What’s a couple of white chips when I can bloodlet on the other competitors. He’s lucky I didn’t give him a Glasgow kiss, a head butt to the yap would have caused considerable damage!” Yes, the Gimp is Scottish and he once won the Caber Toss in the Glasgow Highland Games in 2004.
Clint “I Survived Terrorists” Oris was once again on the defensive after almost losing an eye. He played tough and was able to once again dig out from under a 40,000 deficit to come back and win his bankroll back plus and nifty $400,000. “I couldn’t see through half the game and it actually helped my game. I will be appealing the league to provide stiffer penalties for random punching incidents but if Colin Campbell only penalizes Scott Walker from the Bruins a meazly $2600, how can he change the fines for the MNPL®? I’ll be seeing my lawyer once again after a considerable settlement I received for slander. My plastic surgeon is coming back from Brazil tomorrow where he regularly changes men into lady boys so I should be able to get repaired before the next tournament. Stewie, keep your head up. You know what’s funny, I make more money on side bets and settlements from poker than purses. The Juice knows that 2000-1 odds on Sergie Federov scoring a goal in the Vancouver series in the final minutes is a bet I tend to take. What? Federov wasn’t in that game? Hey......!”
John “Sober” Smith was recently released from rehab and continued his streak of landing in the winner’s circle once again. “I have finally paid back the money I owe my kids from their piggy banks. It feels good to be out of debt. I credit my new found lucky streak to Daniel Negraneau. I carry a picture of him in my wallet for good luck. I love that commercial where he ducks out of the way of the two hockey players with pocket kings. It just goes to show that you should NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF A DOG FIGHT! After the tournament I hitchhiked back to my motel and made a chocolate caste of my body. The front and back. Now I can finally eat my own ass. It took a few hours for the melted chocolate to dry. It was truly amazing. I never knew I was that small down there either, it’s been years since I’ve seen Mr. Happy. I was very concerned playing sober for the first time, normally I am so hammered I can’t remember my name and I usually shituke when I get home so it was nice to get up at a reasonable hour. I had no idea my daughter eats Cheerios? Who knew? I am also a little sore from the anal cavity search at the border. How Fluffy got there is anyone’s guess? Thank God I didn’t break any laws, Fluffy was still breathing...and scratching...mmm.”
Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich was blistered and broken and was silent through most of the tournament. “I’ve never had to do manual labour? It’s ridiculous? Why would anyone want to actually do that! My wife said it would be good for me and I might learn something. I think she is secretly trying to hurt me. I’m so tired right now I can’t hold up my eyelids. I had to steer the car home last night with my tongue and couldn’t even raise my hand to wind down the window. Oh, one last thing, I had the worst cards in history last night. I miss my Kings. Did anyone else notice Smith pulling it under the table to the porn? Oh, and was he serious about going to Afghanistan? Is it really legal to do that to a goat there? Is there any decency left in this world?”
Bruce “Grey Goose” Heimenschlotterer was a man of few words. His pre-flop monster raises caught up to him when his queens were squashed by Stewie and he was sent packing. As a first timer to the MNPL® his slow and steady style were no match for the vultures.
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller Eon was once again victim to more splits than five thousand Sri Lankans dodging cars on the Gardner Expressway to express their outrage at the Tamil Tiger situation. We just have to ask WTF were they thinking. “If it was me, I wouldn’t have swerved. They told me at the white trash school of driving, never duck a deer. Hit him hard and don’t ever swerve. If I had hit thirty of them would that still count? And it I backed up and drove over them again would that still count?“ said Smith when hearing of the situation.
Boris “The Pervert” Gaudio was frustrated by bad beads and his inability to close out some big hands. “My game needs an overhaul. I’ve been so unsuccessful this season I’ve had to start fluffling again for extra cash. My body just can’t take that kind of pace anymore. I lost another big hand to Smith who knocked me out again. He’s got me pegged. He’s psychic. I didn’t put him on that flush at all. Who the hell limps in with 9 -5 clubs suited. I just don’t understand what he’s doing. It’s not normal. Those stupid sunglasses seem to be working. I’m going to smash them next week and pay some white chips for the fun of it. Loved the adult porn but was disappointed they didn’t show the money shot. I went home and tied the wife up and pretended I was Charlie Sheen...I love that guy. That show rocks! Giddedy Giggedy Giggedy!”
The Green Peace hand of the night: The fact that Kline only played five hands and won the tournament is a sign of patient genius. All of his monster take downs were a tribute to years of poker strategy and his Jewish Heritage. The hand of the night came when Smith got double teamed on the river after betting $75,000 with two pairs. A ten dropped on the river providing straights for both Stewie and Eon. Smith grabbed the table, tried to shove it up but it hit his teabag and slammed down hard on his fruit bowl. “Seeing the rage and then the astonished shock was worth hosting the tournament.” Said Eon.
Article by Julius GoatWSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, Why Do Goats Fall in Love?
Sponsored by Pepsi, Greenpeace, Loving Comfort Adult Diapers and The Cole Clinic (1-877-Gro-Hair)
http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online
What a night! The Single-table tournament – ring style – Texas Hold Em No Limit Tournament of Champions saw the biggest turn out of the season and the largest pot ever on the line. The tournament had more buy-ins’ than a Mexican Taco stand in LA selling burritos for a penny. It was amazing. “We’ve never played a tournament North of the 49th parallel and I wasn’t sure the big names would come. They had to make it extra special so when they offered a private jet and caviar, I couldn’t say no. From shrimp rings to the best dip in the history of chip dip to a fully stocked bar and adult movie entertainment, this was by far the most fun I’ve had at an MNPL® event. Yes I did fly out on the red eye but hey, the ladies serving cocktails also serviced me with a happy ending - sometimes you have to go big or go home.” Said Ronny “The Wonder Kid” Gold who is still looking for a big win this season.
League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline’s released a statement today regarding the use of shrimp rings at MNPL® sanctioned events. “Shrimp rings are banned by Green Peace who have jumped on board recently as a sponsor. When you buy a shrimp ring you get the following - tropical shrimp, endangered sea turtles, other marine fish, potable water stolen from coastal communities, mangrove forests that provide homes for other marine species, antibiotics, pesticides, over a billion cubic metres of toxic waste discharge, viruses, a few sprigs of corruption and human rights abuses, and some cocktail sauce. Originally we thought this was a great idea but after reviewing the evidence from the tree hugging left wing pinkos we have decided to put a hold on them until our board of directors and MNPL® Disciplinarian Colin Campbell review the video replays. Vice President of media relations Seymour Butts was in Hawaii reviewing his latest video release and was not available for comment.
The Calculator was jovial and in a great mood this week after the league introduced two new sponsors, Green Peace and The Cole Clinic. Kline also took first place in the IB International winning the $500,000 first prize after almost getting stopped at the border when he set off radiation alerts. Once his car was searched and the “suspicious” stains in his backseat turned out to be traces of a natural substance he was set free. “I recently visited Xytex International (US sperm bank) and my sample accidentally overflowed. Who knew I was radioactive? Twelve hundred years ago, the Danes spread their genes in Britain by rape and occupation. Now they are taking a less confrontational approach: a Danish sperm bank Crysos (the world's largest sperm bank) is stocking up large amounts of semen ready to flood the British market when sperm donation rules are changed next year so I thought I would do my part. Cryos, whose motto is “We keep the stork busy”, hopes to take advantage of a likely sperm shortage in June 2009, when sperm donors in Britain lose their anonymity, meaning any children that they beget will be able to trace them. Personally, I don’t like the taste of it at all. Xytex is holding a 'clearance sale' of sperm from prolific donors like me my goal is a world full of Klines. Is that so wrong?”
Interviews With the Stars
Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan was in second place which turned out to be a three way tie with Mr. Oris and Mr. Smith. “I was simply trying to avoid another Smith Collapse and was able to hold onto my chips. I made some extra chips when I punched Oris which resulted in a broken orbital bone. When they told me that it would only be a $2600 fine, I threw in some white chips and knocked him out. It felt good and you will see more violence until they realize the fines are too low. What’s a couple of white chips when I can bloodlet on the other competitors. He’s lucky I didn’t give him a Glasgow kiss, a head butt to the yap would have caused considerable damage!” Yes, the Gimp is Scottish and he once won the Caber Toss in the Glasgow Highland Games in 2004.
Clint “I Survived Terrorists” Oris was once again on the defensive after almost losing an eye. He played tough and was able to once again dig out from under a 40,000 deficit to come back and win his bankroll back plus and nifty $400,000. “I couldn’t see through half the game and it actually helped my game. I will be appealing the league to provide stiffer penalties for random punching incidents but if Colin Campbell only penalizes Scott Walker from the Bruins a meazly $2600, how can he change the fines for the MNPL®? I’ll be seeing my lawyer once again after a considerable settlement I received for slander. My plastic surgeon is coming back from Brazil tomorrow where he regularly changes men into lady boys so I should be able to get repaired before the next tournament. Stewie, keep your head up. You know what’s funny, I make more money on side bets and settlements from poker than purses. The Juice knows that 2000-1 odds on Sergie Federov scoring a goal in the Vancouver series in the final minutes is a bet I tend to take. What? Federov wasn’t in that game? Hey......!”
John “Sober” Smith was recently released from rehab and continued his streak of landing in the winner’s circle once again. “I have finally paid back the money I owe my kids from their piggy banks. It feels good to be out of debt. I credit my new found lucky streak to Daniel Negraneau. I carry a picture of him in my wallet for good luck. I love that commercial where he ducks out of the way of the two hockey players with pocket kings. It just goes to show that you should NEVER GET IN THE WAY OF A DOG FIGHT! After the tournament I hitchhiked back to my motel and made a chocolate caste of my body. The front and back. Now I can finally eat my own ass. It took a few hours for the melted chocolate to dry. It was truly amazing. I never knew I was that small down there either, it’s been years since I’ve seen Mr. Happy. I was very concerned playing sober for the first time, normally I am so hammered I can’t remember my name and I usually shituke when I get home so it was nice to get up at a reasonable hour. I had no idea my daughter eats Cheerios? Who knew? I am also a little sore from the anal cavity search at the border. How Fluffy got there is anyone’s guess? Thank God I didn’t break any laws, Fluffy was still breathing...and scratching...mmm.”
Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich was blistered and broken and was silent through most of the tournament. “I’ve never had to do manual labour? It’s ridiculous? Why would anyone want to actually do that! My wife said it would be good for me and I might learn something. I think she is secretly trying to hurt me. I’m so tired right now I can’t hold up my eyelids. I had to steer the car home last night with my tongue and couldn’t even raise my hand to wind down the window. Oh, one last thing, I had the worst cards in history last night. I miss my Kings. Did anyone else notice Smith pulling it under the table to the porn? Oh, and was he serious about going to Afghanistan? Is it really legal to do that to a goat there? Is there any decency left in this world?”
Bruce “Grey Goose” Heimenschlotterer was a man of few words. His pre-flop monster raises caught up to him when his queens were squashed by Stewie and he was sent packing. As a first timer to the MNPL® his slow and steady style were no match for the vultures.
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller Eon was once again victim to more splits than five thousand Sri Lankans dodging cars on the Gardner Expressway to express their outrage at the Tamil Tiger situation. We just have to ask WTF were they thinking. “If it was me, I wouldn’t have swerved. They told me at the white trash school of driving, never duck a deer. Hit him hard and don’t ever swerve. If I had hit thirty of them would that still count? And it I backed up and drove over them again would that still count?“ said Smith when hearing of the situation.
Boris “The Pervert” Gaudio was frustrated by bad beads and his inability to close out some big hands. “My game needs an overhaul. I’ve been so unsuccessful this season I’ve had to start fluffling again for extra cash. My body just can’t take that kind of pace anymore. I lost another big hand to Smith who knocked me out again. He’s got me pegged. He’s psychic. I didn’t put him on that flush at all. Who the hell limps in with 9 -5 clubs suited. I just don’t understand what he’s doing. It’s not normal. Those stupid sunglasses seem to be working. I’m going to smash them next week and pay some white chips for the fun of it. Loved the adult porn but was disappointed they didn’t show the money shot. I went home and tied the wife up and pretended I was Charlie Sheen...I love that guy. That show rocks! Giddedy Giggedy Giggedy!”
The Green Peace hand of the night: The fact that Kline only played five hands and won the tournament is a sign of patient genius. All of his monster take downs were a tribute to years of poker strategy and his Jewish Heritage. The hand of the night came when Smith got double teamed on the river after betting $75,000 with two pairs. A ten dropped on the river providing straights for both Stewie and Eon. Smith grabbed the table, tried to shove it up but it hit his teabag and slammed down hard on his fruit bowl. “Seeing the rage and then the astonished shock was worth hosting the tournament.” Said Eon.
Article by Julius GoatWSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, Why Do Goats Fall in Love?
Sponsored by Pepsi, Greenpeace, Loving Comfort Adult Diapers and The Cole Clinic (1-877-Gro-Hair)
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