Massive Victory for Newbie at the RGPC®
http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online
Well hello to my family and friends. Julius Goat here with my freshly signed contract inked in goat’s blood, With a little change in my pocket and that filthy scab John J. Jingleheimerschmidt fired…after I disguised my voice and pretended to be an inside source it’s no wonder! Hey, if you can’t beat em, destroy em
MNPL® Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has brought forth a proposal to the board of directors to have a new theme song, “Sippy Cup” but it is in steep competition with the song Mah-Na Mah-Na covered by Mahna Mahna and his back-up singers, the Snowths. Maestro Fresh Wes is apparently disgusted as he supplied his own song from the nineties called “Let Your Black Jack Slide.”
Marcel “Horeshoe” Goldenho cemented his claim to being the best pound-for-pound poker player on Monday night with a spectacular performance that ended with Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan sprawled out on the canvas after a devastating river boat hand that left a testicular snail trail on his cheek late in the tournament. “I don’t mind the smell of sweaty balls…when they are MINE!” Said Stewie who has been up and down from the winners circle more times than one of Mike Tyson’s sparring partners. Marcel took home $110,000, the biggest pot in recent months by a single winner. “I know it sounds cliché but I felt like I was going to river the trips all night. I overpowered a Kline too, that felt really special as a newcomer to this table. I’ve been around the block and know the difference between a donkey and a fish so it didn’t surprise me that I dominated. I just hate betting into a full house though, it’s a bit humiliating. Didn’t know the slow play Kline maneuver but now I’m very aware of how dangerous he can be; as dangerous as a slow moving Man of War at a Chinese beach party. It was great playing in the tournament. Considering it’s my first time, felt a bit guilty utterly annihilating the competitors. I think they all learned how to play poker from a blind nun who had dysentery. I drank a lot of chocolate monkeys though, amazing drink full of color.”
Interviews With the Stars
Boris “The Pervert” Gaudio discovered a new fetish for Condo Televisions as he was quoted as saying, “This could replace High Definition porn and everyone should invest in TV spray cleaners as I’m going to need a lot of em. Giddy up! Hey, where’s the fat guy who normally plays with the ridiculously contagious laugh? I miss him. A bit quiet around the table this week. Yeah, the guy who has a chin that looks like balls and looks a bit like Peter Griffen. By the way, that Marcel dude was luckier than Ben Southall, that skinny fuck who has to hang out in Australia and write a blog for $150,000 for six months. Hey, has anyone else bought a Pos-T-Vac?”
Clint “I’ll Sue You All” Oris was up to his usual antics. He was able to stay under the radar this week so we don’t actually know if he won or lost any money. Odds are he didn’t show because his caramelized onion sack is still in his gf’s purse. When we spoke to him via satellite phone, he was quick to let us know he watched the show Manswers this week and learned some valuable lessons. The first thing he learned that the one of the most painful rites of passage is the Bullet Ant ritual. Basically the bullet ant bites you and it feels like a gunshot wound. It is the most painful ant bite and usually wears off after 24 hours – why the fuc& would these backward ass twats stick their hands in giant oven mits full of these ants to prove they are men. Oh, and no crying allowed. Ten minutes you have to last. All I had to do was finger bang a chick and let my buddies smell my fingers. That was it! The second thing is that the only place in the world where you can videotape yourself having sex with a woman without her consent is Italy. Imagine that. A secret sex tape and you become a star instead of a criminal. This is provided you don’t distribute the tape. Wow, they sure are tough on this crime in Italy. I’m packing my bags first thing in the morning. The final lesson of the night and the most important, is how to survive a Tiger Attack. Randy Miller, the resident expert says that your chances are slim to none. A tiger can run 50 mph in the snow and these animals are motivated by blood. All they care about is their next meal. So don’t try this at home. Move 1 – mental trickery – play dead. First line of defense is no offense. Kind of like the way Allison Smith plays poker! Just lie completely still. The tiger may release you if it’s not threatened. If he is defending his territory this will work. If he’s hungry, you’ve just made lunch a little easier to digest. Move 2 – tigers have a strong gag reflex. You have to hit a tiger in the back of his throat with your fist. It may create time to get away or provide an appetizer. The final way to survive is to bite the six hundred pound animals nose. A tiger’s nose is vulnerable, and sensitive. Bite it hard and you might survive, I guess Roy didn’t know about this tactic. That’s about it for this week, sorry, a bit off topic, just not getting into the groove of poker. Hey, poll the boys to see if anyone’s barfed on a dog.”
Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich as usual, showed less emotion than Ivan Drago just before he fought Rocky. The Juice was preoccupied most of the game trying to determine how much to sell this week's information for with a girl he’s been seeing on the side named Alison who apparently got to pick nothing for her new house. That sounds oddly familiar. With the housing market slowing to a snail’s pace, the Juice has been desperate to sell his house stating that there is a certain “element” that is about to move into his neighborhood that he is concerned about. “I’m not prejudice…this isn’t about racialism. I just don’t know if my liver can handle a Smith as my neighbor. It’s scary, these are uncertain times. My wife is about to give birth to our son, Igor Larionov Mastrovich, and I’m concerned for his safety. Only time will tell the unnatural effects of the Smith’s moving in. It could turn out to be something out of the Munsters. God help me, God help us all!”
Ronny “Kid Wonder” Gold was the host of the tournament and was relieved that there was no controversy in an evening that went smoothly from the get go. At one point during the game Ronny needed confirmation that poker rules hadn't changed and that trips are were and always have been better than two pairs. This strange lack of poker knowledge is not surprising seeing as his play as of late has been sporadic and at times confusing to other tournament players. “It is truly amazing to see awkward raises like 16 chips, 26 chips, 8 chips, etc. at this level of play. It throws you off a bit because you think to yourself, can he be this uneducated?” said the Juice when asked about the tournament this week. “This is the same guy who thinks Fibonacci is an Italian liar. Imagine?” After Ronny’s roommate got home, they seemed to disappear to bedroom for five minutes and rumors were rampant. “I don’t know if he’s gay or just likes the odd blowjob from a guy. It’s odd, just plain odd. No! If you accept a blowjob from a guy it doesn’t mean your gay! The other guy is! Isn’t he?” Said John “Allison Smith.
John “Allison” Smith was once again absent from the Monday night scene. Some rumors swirled that he was seen walking up and down ski hills in Collingwood and strangely enough, reports of the Yeti were all over the news this week around the Blue Mountain Inn in Collingwood. Other reports came in that Mr. Smith was unable to pick the colors, floor tile, cupboard style and even the special toilet for oversized buttocks for his new house and was simply hiding in his room and pouting all week. We didn’t catch up with him but this Habba the Jut is just not worth hunting down.
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was busy trying to sell online poker t-shirts and ran several ads with his most poplular shirt, “I’d check raise my own grandmother.” and “Will Fold For Sex!” He will be hosting the tournament next week as sales from his other sources of income have risen dramatically even during this tumultuous economic time.
The Red Bull Hand of the Night: In our first ever event called Truth or Dare, two players went head to head for $15,000. “This was more bizarre than a Bollywood poker video”, said commissioner Kline, “but ratings went through the roof. There’s no skill involved with two players betting on a single hand blindly, but there is something about not knowing who is going to win before the bet is actually made. “We know this is a sleazy tactic to add new fans to our already growing fan base but didn’t Mcdonalds just give away free coffee? You have to think outside the box – of cards Fans went ballistic when the river hit and Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan, who was dominating with pocket 4s versus A-2 got burned alive. Marcel “Horshoe” Goldenho hits two 2s for trips on the river knocking Stewie out. After being knocked out Stew went to the balcony area and smoked an entire packet of cigarettes. The belief is that he was on the phone with a hit man who he’s offered to pay two million dollars to take out the two new players (Eon and Marcel) who seem to have his number.
Article by Julius GoatWSPN SCAB Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of “Never Bluff a Donkey”
Sponsored by Red Bull, Howard Stern Satellite Radio, and Loving Comfort Adult Diapers
http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online
Well hello to my family and friends. Julius Goat here with my freshly signed contract inked in goat’s blood, With a little change in my pocket and that filthy scab John J. Jingleheimerschmidt fired…after I disguised my voice and pretended to be an inside source it’s no wonder! Hey, if you can’t beat em, destroy em
MNPL® Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has brought forth a proposal to the board of directors to have a new theme song, “Sippy Cup” but it is in steep competition with the song Mah-Na Mah-Na covered by Mahna Mahna and his back-up singers, the Snowths. Maestro Fresh Wes is apparently disgusted as he supplied his own song from the nineties called “Let Your Black Jack Slide.”
Marcel “Horeshoe” Goldenho cemented his claim to being the best pound-for-pound poker player on Monday night with a spectacular performance that ended with Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan sprawled out on the canvas after a devastating river boat hand that left a testicular snail trail on his cheek late in the tournament. “I don’t mind the smell of sweaty balls…when they are MINE!” Said Stewie who has been up and down from the winners circle more times than one of Mike Tyson’s sparring partners. Marcel took home $110,000, the biggest pot in recent months by a single winner. “I know it sounds cliché but I felt like I was going to river the trips all night. I overpowered a Kline too, that felt really special as a newcomer to this table. I’ve been around the block and know the difference between a donkey and a fish so it didn’t surprise me that I dominated. I just hate betting into a full house though, it’s a bit humiliating. Didn’t know the slow play Kline maneuver but now I’m very aware of how dangerous he can be; as dangerous as a slow moving Man of War at a Chinese beach party. It was great playing in the tournament. Considering it’s my first time, felt a bit guilty utterly annihilating the competitors. I think they all learned how to play poker from a blind nun who had dysentery. I drank a lot of chocolate monkeys though, amazing drink full of color.”
Interviews With the Stars
Boris “The Pervert” Gaudio discovered a new fetish for Condo Televisions as he was quoted as saying, “This could replace High Definition porn and everyone should invest in TV spray cleaners as I’m going to need a lot of em. Giddy up! Hey, where’s the fat guy who normally plays with the ridiculously contagious laugh? I miss him. A bit quiet around the table this week. Yeah, the guy who has a chin that looks like balls and looks a bit like Peter Griffen. By the way, that Marcel dude was luckier than Ben Southall, that skinny fuck who has to hang out in Australia and write a blog for $150,000 for six months. Hey, has anyone else bought a Pos-T-Vac?”
Clint “I’ll Sue You All” Oris was up to his usual antics. He was able to stay under the radar this week so we don’t actually know if he won or lost any money. Odds are he didn’t show because his caramelized onion sack is still in his gf’s purse. When we spoke to him via satellite phone, he was quick to let us know he watched the show Manswers this week and learned some valuable lessons. The first thing he learned that the one of the most painful rites of passage is the Bullet Ant ritual. Basically the bullet ant bites you and it feels like a gunshot wound. It is the most painful ant bite and usually wears off after 24 hours – why the fuc& would these backward ass twats stick their hands in giant oven mits full of these ants to prove they are men. Oh, and no crying allowed. Ten minutes you have to last. All I had to do was finger bang a chick and let my buddies smell my fingers. That was it! The second thing is that the only place in the world where you can videotape yourself having sex with a woman without her consent is Italy. Imagine that. A secret sex tape and you become a star instead of a criminal. This is provided you don’t distribute the tape. Wow, they sure are tough on this crime in Italy. I’m packing my bags first thing in the morning. The final lesson of the night and the most important, is how to survive a Tiger Attack. Randy Miller, the resident expert says that your chances are slim to none. A tiger can run 50 mph in the snow and these animals are motivated by blood. All they care about is their next meal. So don’t try this at home. Move 1 – mental trickery – play dead. First line of defense is no offense. Kind of like the way Allison Smith plays poker! Just lie completely still. The tiger may release you if it’s not threatened. If he is defending his territory this will work. If he’s hungry, you’ve just made lunch a little easier to digest. Move 2 – tigers have a strong gag reflex. You have to hit a tiger in the back of his throat with your fist. It may create time to get away or provide an appetizer. The final way to survive is to bite the six hundred pound animals nose. A tiger’s nose is vulnerable, and sensitive. Bite it hard and you might survive, I guess Roy didn’t know about this tactic. That’s about it for this week, sorry, a bit off topic, just not getting into the groove of poker. Hey, poll the boys to see if anyone’s barfed on a dog.”
Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich as usual, showed less emotion than Ivan Drago just before he fought Rocky. The Juice was preoccupied most of the game trying to determine how much to sell this week's information for with a girl he’s been seeing on the side named Alison who apparently got to pick nothing for her new house. That sounds oddly familiar. With the housing market slowing to a snail’s pace, the Juice has been desperate to sell his house stating that there is a certain “element” that is about to move into his neighborhood that he is concerned about. “I’m not prejudice…this isn’t about racialism. I just don’t know if my liver can handle a Smith as my neighbor. It’s scary, these are uncertain times. My wife is about to give birth to our son, Igor Larionov Mastrovich, and I’m concerned for his safety. Only time will tell the unnatural effects of the Smith’s moving in. It could turn out to be something out of the Munsters. God help me, God help us all!”
Ronny “Kid Wonder” Gold was the host of the tournament and was relieved that there was no controversy in an evening that went smoothly from the get go. At one point during the game Ronny needed confirmation that poker rules hadn't changed and that trips are were and always have been better than two pairs. This strange lack of poker knowledge is not surprising seeing as his play as of late has been sporadic and at times confusing to other tournament players. “It is truly amazing to see awkward raises like 16 chips, 26 chips, 8 chips, etc. at this level of play. It throws you off a bit because you think to yourself, can he be this uneducated?” said the Juice when asked about the tournament this week. “This is the same guy who thinks Fibonacci is an Italian liar. Imagine?” After Ronny’s roommate got home, they seemed to disappear to bedroom for five minutes and rumors were rampant. “I don’t know if he’s gay or just likes the odd blowjob from a guy. It’s odd, just plain odd. No! If you accept a blowjob from a guy it doesn’t mean your gay! The other guy is! Isn’t he?” Said John “Allison Smith.
John “Allison” Smith was once again absent from the Monday night scene. Some rumors swirled that he was seen walking up and down ski hills in Collingwood and strangely enough, reports of the Yeti were all over the news this week around the Blue Mountain Inn in Collingwood. Other reports came in that Mr. Smith was unable to pick the colors, floor tile, cupboard style and even the special toilet for oversized buttocks for his new house and was simply hiding in his room and pouting all week. We didn’t catch up with him but this Habba the Jut is just not worth hunting down.
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was busy trying to sell online poker t-shirts and ran several ads with his most poplular shirt, “I’d check raise my own grandmother.” and “Will Fold For Sex!” He will be hosting the tournament next week as sales from his other sources of income have risen dramatically even during this tumultuous economic time.
The Red Bull Hand of the Night: In our first ever event called Truth or Dare, two players went head to head for $15,000. “This was more bizarre than a Bollywood poker video”, said commissioner Kline, “but ratings went through the roof. There’s no skill involved with two players betting on a single hand blindly, but there is something about not knowing who is going to win before the bet is actually made. “We know this is a sleazy tactic to add new fans to our already growing fan base but didn’t Mcdonalds just give away free coffee? You have to think outside the box – of cards Fans went ballistic when the river hit and Stewie “The Gimp” MacDoogan, who was dominating with pocket 4s versus A-2 got burned alive. Marcel “Horshoe” Goldenho hits two 2s for trips on the river knocking Stewie out. After being knocked out Stew went to the balcony area and smoked an entire packet of cigarettes. The belief is that he was on the phone with a hit man who he’s offered to pay two million dollars to take out the two new players (Eon and Marcel) who seem to have his number.
Article by Julius GoatWSPN SCAB Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of “Never Bluff a Donkey”
Sponsored by Red Bull, Howard Stern Satellite Radio, and Loving Comfort Adult Diapers
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