Toronto, Canada - Firstly, Friday July 10th was the first (and probably the last) ever Virgin Summer Poker Invitational (VSP) and it was hosted by Clint "Pimp My Ride" Oris who even went so far as to send his Korean concubines back to Mongolia for a week so he could concentrate on the business at hand. Unfortunately, there was a dry atmosphere and it was more uncomfortable than watching a group of helmet wearing short bus spastic's crashing into the tires at a Go-Kart track. Funny yes, but oh so uncomfortable. That idea ranks up there on the list of things not to do with spastics but some pencil pusher decided it was a good idea....yes it happened...I was there...I saw it. Manchester England 1993. I digress, where was I?
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Oh yes, the long intolerable bouts of silence were punctuated by outbursts from various members that seemed unfunny. The normal gusts of uncontrollable laughter often heard around the MNPL table were ominously silent. "I felt like a Mexican jumping bean without any bounce. What do you have then? A bean...a boring old brown bean." Said Ronny "River Monger" Gold.
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Not one to dwell on the negatives, we spoke to Commissioner Gordon...I mean Commissioner Kline provided a positive spin on the special no booze policy. "From my perspective, I don't know why anyone would feel uncomfortable at our first ever VSP. It wasn't our typical poker atmosphere but I'm pretty confident the premise for that wasn't the "dryness" of the event because we had a few drinks after the poker game and it didn't change anything.
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The alcohol was neither here nor there. I think it takes a bit for the 'fun-ness' of our games to build up as it always was founded on the preceding jokes and heckling from previous tournaments and we simply haven't had any in the off season. I chalk it up to the players may being a bit shy or tense. I had a great time though. The double cannon ball from Smith and Bosmeller was simply amazing, no one has ever seen anything like it. More water was displaced by those two cannonballs than hit the beaches in Thailand during the Tsunami...some called it a "The Eon-Smith-Ami".
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Not one to dwell on the negatives, we spoke to Commissioner Gordon...I mean Commissioner Kline provided a positive spin on the special no booze policy. "From my perspective, I don't know why anyone would feel uncomfortable at our first ever VSP. It wasn't our typical poker atmosphere but I'm pretty confident the premise for that wasn't the "dryness" of the event because we had a few drinks after the poker game and it didn't change anything.
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The alcohol was neither here nor there. I think it takes a bit for the 'fun-ness' of our games to build up as it always was founded on the preceding jokes and heckling from previous tournaments and we simply haven't had any in the off season. I chalk it up to the players may being a bit shy or tense. I had a great time though. The double cannon ball from Smith and Bosmeller was simply amazing, no one has ever seen anything like it. More water was displaced by those two cannonballs than hit the beaches in Thailand during the Tsunami...some called it a "The Eon-Smith-Ami".
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Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan came out on top cranking his game up a notch and taking home a whopping million dollar pot. We also posted some photos of him posing with the coveted prize winning Pepsi watch that comes with a giant gold necklace that will turn anyone wearing it into a "Flava Flav" warrior. The watch is worth approximately $60,000 as it's made solely of baby fingernails pried from the dying paws of Tasmanian Devils. "I spanked em like the little girls that they are. It was nice being the single reason that Smith has officially ended his winning streak. I took him down easier than an Irishman on St. Patricks Day. Fu&* em if they can't take a joke."
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The highlight for me was the double takedown for sure. I hope it makes the hand of the week, it was a pretty special night. I was sober so I wasn't going to blow my load in the dying minutes of the game to another flush chaser, otherwise known as a dirty rotten fisherman who had no reason staying in that hand as long as he did. No, I wasn't talking about any player in particular...just my frenemy Eon B."
Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan came out on top cranking his game up a notch and taking home a whopping million dollar pot. We also posted some photos of him posing with the coveted prize winning Pepsi watch that comes with a giant gold necklace that will turn anyone wearing it into a "Flava Flav" warrior. The watch is worth approximately $60,000 as it's made solely of baby fingernails pried from the dying paws of Tasmanian Devils. "I spanked em like the little girls that they are. It was nice being the single reason that Smith has officially ended his winning streak. I took him down easier than an Irishman on St. Patricks Day. Fu&* em if they can't take a joke."
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The highlight for me was the double takedown for sure. I hope it makes the hand of the week, it was a pretty special night. I was sober so I wasn't going to blow my load in the dying minutes of the game to another flush chaser, otherwise known as a dirty rotten fisherman who had no reason staying in that hand as long as he did. No, I wasn't talking about any player in particular...just my frenemy Eon B."
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Clint "Pimp My Ride" Oris was a bit concerned, several cases of wine were stolen from his property and his cat has gone missing who is aptly named "Pussy". "Here Puss Puss Puss! WHERE ARE YOU. I love you Pussy, how can someone do this? It's a defenceless pussycat, what am I going to do without Pussy? I go to bed with Pussy, I wake up to Pussy, I feed Pussy and pet the Pussy. This is the worst day of my life. I loved the poker tournament, I fed Grade A Angus burgers shipped in from the Slovaks - their made of cows that drink beer and smoke cigarettes. The taste of them is superb, it's like nothing you have ever tasted. So tender. The cows aren't allowed to move and they make them watch porn all day long and then Sports events at night. They are the best tasting cows on planet earth. Now, I have to end this interview and look for Pussy."
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich was adamant about his boycott. Look, there are ways around every set of rules, they are called exceptions. I could have showed up hammered and had a good time. Instead, I chose to stay home and get all snuggly wuggly wif my new baby boy. Awww so cutey patooty. Zug-Zug hit ball with stick!...Zug-zug smash stuff. You like da littew shiny things, can you say cartoons and Miley Cyrus?" Obviously the Juice has had a change of heart and is coping in his own unique way with his new role as father and sole provideer. He is learning to speak fluent "babaneze". "Think outside the Juicebox, here son...read this special book, it's called the Wealthy Barber. Ahhh so cute!"
Clint "Pimp My Ride" Oris was a bit concerned, several cases of wine were stolen from his property and his cat has gone missing who is aptly named "Pussy". "Here Puss Puss Puss! WHERE ARE YOU. I love you Pussy, how can someone do this? It's a defenceless pussycat, what am I going to do without Pussy? I go to bed with Pussy, I wake up to Pussy, I feed Pussy and pet the Pussy. This is the worst day of my life. I loved the poker tournament, I fed Grade A Angus burgers shipped in from the Slovaks - their made of cows that drink beer and smoke cigarettes. The taste of them is superb, it's like nothing you have ever tasted. So tender. The cows aren't allowed to move and they make them watch porn all day long and then Sports events at night. They are the best tasting cows on planet earth. Now, I have to end this interview and look for Pussy."
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich was adamant about his boycott. Look, there are ways around every set of rules, they are called exceptions. I could have showed up hammered and had a good time. Instead, I chose to stay home and get all snuggly wuggly wif my new baby boy. Awww so cutey patooty. Zug-Zug hit ball with stick!...Zug-zug smash stuff. You like da littew shiny things, can you say cartoons and Miley Cyrus?" Obviously the Juice has had a change of heart and is coping in his own unique way with his new role as father and sole provideer. He is learning to speak fluent "babaneze". "Think outside the Juicebox, here son...read this special book, it's called the Wealthy Barber. Ahhh so cute!"
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Boris “Yes I'm Special” Gaudio was quick and to the point. "It was obscene. Smith dashed out of the tournament like he was on fire. I know he lost some big ones but we all lose. I think he forgot what losing was like. The booze? Not an issue, I never drink anyway but let's face it, we all got beaten like Portuguese housewives out there....who wants to stand in front of a firing squad anyway? Yes I still had enough money left over to get my back waxed and my manicure-pedicure was covered. No I wasn't able to float in the pool with my hair, that's just stupid. Hair is not spongy. No it's not the reason I decided to go for a wax...just drop it goatboy...hey, isn't that you in that gum commercial getting steamrolled by a giant ram...hey, come back here Julius."
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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: King Bullshit took down Oris and Gold in a single all in hand that left two men without a single chip between them and made MacDoogan the chip leader which was the MNPL turning point of the tournament. "The pocket rockets came through for me. Finally. God love em! I had pocket Kings later on and sent Smith packing with his pathetic pocket Jacks...remember that? Yeah in your face you losers...I'm da man. Like my new Pepsi watch...it's da bomb! Why do I sound like a white rapper? I don't know...innit cool! My chiropractor bill is going to be huge but the watch looks so sick hanging from my neck."
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John "The Sizzle" Smith, who made bail for the tournament after he was discovered with what turned out to be midget hermaphrodites, said he could actually relate to a rented mule whose been beaten for a month. "I felt way worse than a Portuguese housewife. Like that's possible? I think the Commish was distraught after he caught me dry humping his leg near the edge of the pool. No one saw it but he blushed in the moonlight. I had a flashback to a better time, a time we shared together floating down a lazy river.
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I owe him some cash but I think I'm going to barter with him and give him the shitty coupons I got back after I complained to Sky Service...no I won't be flying with them again. I got stuck in the bathroom masturbating to a National Geographic African Safari Special and got my foot stuck in the toilet. They had to butter my hips and use a shoehorn to pry my naked ass out of that miniature Lilliputian toilet (English Literature quote of the article). Those airplane toilets are smaller than the herpes on Tattoo's mini midget cock and balls. Remember that guy from Fantasy Island? Anyone...how old are you guys anyway?
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John "The Sizzle" Smith, who made bail for the tournament after he was discovered with what turned out to be midget hermaphrodites, said he could actually relate to a rented mule whose been beaten for a month. "I felt way worse than a Portuguese housewife. Like that's possible? I think the Commish was distraught after he caught me dry humping his leg near the edge of the pool. No one saw it but he blushed in the moonlight. I had a flashback to a better time, a time we shared together floating down a lazy river.
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I owe him some cash but I think I'm going to barter with him and give him the shitty coupons I got back after I complained to Sky Service...no I won't be flying with them again. I got stuck in the bathroom masturbating to a National Geographic African Safari Special and got my foot stuck in the toilet. They had to butter my hips and use a shoehorn to pry my naked ass out of that miniature Lilliputian toilet (English Literature quote of the article). Those airplane toilets are smaller than the herpes on Tattoo's mini midget cock and balls. Remember that guy from Fantasy Island? Anyone...how old are you guys anyway?
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Ronny “River Monger” Gold had this to say, "All of you get out of the way, I can't see myself in the mirror!!! Damm my highlights look great!!" He then hopped on his private jet to Paris for a meeting with Donald Trump who is co-writing a new book called, "How to Make Money Faster than a Bank." Gold played a very tight game in which he rivered a enough times to warrant a changing of his nickname. "He rivered so many times we should be calling him the Nile!" said an anonymous source. When asked how his new house was coming along Gold fully expects it to be finished on time but is soon moving in with his in-laws and hasn't heard of the Murphy's Law regarding living with in-laws. NEVER EVER FU&%ING MOVE IN WITH YOUR INLAWS BECAUSE YOU ARE INVITING DISASTER. Every delay in the history of home building is related to men moving in with their in-laws. He will learn.
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Eon "Cannonball" Bosmeller was handed the title of cannon ball champion after knocking over the judges table with a powerful wave created by the propulsion of his belly meeting the water. "It was awesome! It was a reverse cannonball! No, it's not called a belly flop. I felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane!" Said celebrity judge Ashton Kutcher who thought he was finally being punked. He got up, pulled up his shorts and kept staring into the bushes screaming, "Ya got me. Where's the camera, where is it?"
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Eon recently came back from Las Vegas where his winnings topped $300,000. "No, I wasn't playing poker. I bet on black - I always bet on black and I just let it ride. Black hit a total of 32 times in a row. I finally pulled my chips off and it hit red on the 33rd spin. Man oh man was that lucky." My question is, how come everyone I have ever spoken to about their trips to Vegas always say they won. The answer, what happens in Vegas (LOSING) stays in Vegas.
Ronny “River Monger” Gold had this to say, "All of you get out of the way, I can't see myself in the mirror!!! Damm my highlights look great!!" He then hopped on his private jet to Paris for a meeting with Donald Trump who is co-writing a new book called, "How to Make Money Faster than a Bank." Gold played a very tight game in which he rivered a enough times to warrant a changing of his nickname. "He rivered so many times we should be calling him the Nile!" said an anonymous source. When asked how his new house was coming along Gold fully expects it to be finished on time but is soon moving in with his in-laws and hasn't heard of the Murphy's Law regarding living with in-laws. NEVER EVER FU&%ING MOVE IN WITH YOUR INLAWS BECAUSE YOU ARE INVITING DISASTER. Every delay in the history of home building is related to men moving in with their in-laws. He will learn.
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Eon "Cannonball" Bosmeller was handed the title of cannon ball champion after knocking over the judges table with a powerful wave created by the propulsion of his belly meeting the water. "It was awesome! It was a reverse cannonball! No, it's not called a belly flop. I felt like I was in the middle of a hurricane!" Said celebrity judge Ashton Kutcher who thought he was finally being punked. He got up, pulled up his shorts and kept staring into the bushes screaming, "Ya got me. Where's the camera, where is it?"
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Eon recently came back from Las Vegas where his winnings topped $300,000. "No, I wasn't playing poker. I bet on black - I always bet on black and I just let it ride. Black hit a total of 32 times in a row. I finally pulled my chips off and it hit red on the 33rd spin. Man oh man was that lucky." My question is, how come everyone I have ever spoken to about their trips to Vegas always say they won. The answer, what happens in Vegas (LOSING) stays in Vegas.
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We took to the streets to interview poker fans at the grass roost level on hand at the VSP who had the following to say:
We took to the streets to interview poker fans at the grass roost level on hand at the VSP who had the following to say:
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"Let's face it, Smith is washed up. He played poker like a six year old with coke bottles on. Blind and slow. Even though the earnings for 09 may not indicate it, King Bullshit truly is the best player on the MNPL tour..he should just stay sober! WE LOVE YOU KB!"-Mark Mayhem McKowon-Part-time Janitor at Maple Leaf Public School in Maryland
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"Bosmeller, just cause you won in Vegas don't mean shit. This tournament is full of champions and if you win a bracelet some day...come fu&% me in the ass basket big boy cause it will be a wonderful day indeed."
"Bosmeller, just cause you won in Vegas don't mean shit. This tournament is full of champions and if you win a bracelet some day...come fu&% me in the ass basket big boy cause it will be a wonderful day indeed."
-Lisa Hot-Rocket Roth- WSOP future hall of famer.
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"Kline was easier to score chips from than Smith's sister."
- Ryan The Lion Jervis-Currently unemployed Poker enthusiast who hitched a ride all the way from Maine.
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"Speaking of Smith's sister, you would be amazed how flexible she is!! She can even pull off the inverted Swedish power-slide without knocking over the night-table!"-Jason Action-Man Chan- winner of a bachelor party poker game who showed up to the tournament intoxicated and was soon removed.
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"Inverted Swedish powerslide?!?! Wait, I don't have a sister you pumpkins. I thought Peter "The Journeyman" Jursa invented the inverted Swedish power-slide!! Did he invent the Norwegian reach around too? Hey, have you ever tried the Doogy Howzer move...that is a classic 72 Eagle retro move. Long story. Now if you'll excuse me I'm late for my meeting with the Pope, Did I mention that Chicks really dig me? They used to anyway!"
-John "The Sizzle" Smith.
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"Was there some kind of mass escape at the mental hospital?....because I'm surrounded by retards!" Tanya The Man Eater Stewart- World Poker Tour runner-up 2004 and 2007
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Article by Julius Goat WSPN Sports Writer and JournalistAuthor of, "Where Oh Where are my Testicles."
Article by Julius Goat WSPN Sports Writer and JournalistAuthor of, "Where Oh Where are my Testicles."
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