Toronto, Canada – The Comissioner has done the impossible, he has garnered a new fantastic sponsor. Crown Royal has finally come around and seen the light. He had this to say, "We had a bottle specially labelled for the event. They spared no expense. I would also like to refute allegations that I "nurse" my cards. I've been playing poker using statistical analysis for years. Statistically speaking...our little fish pond has become a shark pool. Nursing is - fondling one's cards, playing extremely conservatively usually with a small stackoverpair - or so I am told.
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I am currently considering using Bayesian Statistics. I would like to apply probability theory to the idea of using poker tracker/HUD to maximize +ev. My logic behind this idea is that every winning poker player has a "general read" that they will make in a heads up situation with no history on that specific player. Now the winning player can use history on an opponent to make a more educated decision (the winning player creates a posterior distribution of hand ranges of the opponent). In addition, the winning player is constantly modifying his read based on the action in the specific hand. The probability of the hand being the y axis, and all 169 possible hands ranging from 'weakest' (7,2o), to best (AA). I picture this being the pdf of the probability of hands, and your read would be the hand with the highest probability, or the highest point on the pdf. Is this even logical? I will find out next week. Oh, and if anyone ever tries to wear my wife's underwear again, it's in the OTHER drawer...those were mine. ;-)"
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Smith had this to say after I leaked the interview with the Commissioner to gauge reactions amongst the players. "Personally, I have no fucking idea what he just said but God help us the commish actually knows what this means. Is this even legal? I guess the Commissioner will rule it is, since he's the only one who knows WTF this is..."
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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was edged out of winning three straight tournament championship rings after the Commissioner took down some big late hands from Smith who bluffed right into his womb. The Dominator came in second becoming the biggest earner in this years MNPL play. "I think since I cut down all the crazy ass boozing, I've got a lot tighter at the end of the night. That will all change when I host the tournament this coming week. I'm coming to drink some beer and kick some ass. I better not run out of beer!"
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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser was in fine form. Bluffing from position and catching a break by hitting his flush on the river. "It was river night and I took a chance. Personally I find that guy Smith a bit annoying. Who doesn't drink beer? The guy uses vagisil? What is that for? Is that necessary. I just want to play some poker and hang out but these goat jokes and offensive racial comments are getting to me. I think I'm going to bring my own shovel next week and take down the donkey patrol."
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold dashed back to his inlaws apartment after yet another loss in an unending series of losses. "I just can't get a read on these guys...I just can't. It's tough being the donkey all the time, my self esteem is suffering because of it. My wife tells me what to do now. What? You heard she always did that since I met her. Bullshit."
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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio was seen on halloween masquerading as Bruno. What a great costume! "I was able to let out some of my internal gayness on Halloween. It felt good. I'm a bit pent up in that way, but when I use my Spanish homo accent...I can understand why some dudes wear women's underwear. It's really strange to like such things but my wife still wears a strap on every now and then. Thank God for Halloween or I'd have a shrink."
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John "ZOMBIE" Smith has yet to place in the plus column this year. "I'd just like to be the first guy to ever admit using Vagisil. Yes, that's right. Print it bitch. My MNPL turning point was when my pocket aces got donkeyed on the river by a river rat. Facking flush chasers...fack me. I am going to be a freakin zombie next game...not move a muscle and my gooch will be the only tell I have. I'm taking down the Rabbits next week."
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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week:
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich has come out the other side of his slump. After winning the Hand Washer of The Century award at a private and very clean reception dedicated to those who intend to survive the H1N1 Pandemic, the Juice had this to say. "Told you I'm not crazy. I was just ahead of the curve. Moo hoo haa haaaaaaaa! (Evil Laugh)." When asked why he had a garage full of Tammiflu, a hazmat suit and a basement full of surgical masks and rubber gloves he had this to say, "I'm taking it to the next level!"
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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris provided balls across the nose but ended up in the Rabbit's circle with the rest of the donkeys this week. "I come here to bet on the game! Football kicks ass. Poker is just an excuse to drink and yell and scream and wake up people's kids. I can't wait for the ping pong tourny. What? Hell yeah, that's why they call me BD...no not VD...BD! I gnaw on beavers. What do you mean that's not why....I don't hold up the game. The poker interrupts my football gambling addiction?"
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GIVING YOU THE NUTS:
OVERPAIR
What is an overpair? In hold em, a players pair is higher than any card among the community cards. For example, you start with J-J and the flop is 9-5-2. You have the overpair.
RABBIT
1. A weak player.
2. Short for after the rabbit or follow the rabbit. A form of draw, usually lowball, in which a player gets a bonus from the other players for winning two pots in a row. For example, in a $4-to-go no-limit lowball game, each player puts up $20, which goes into a kitty. Whoever wins two pots in a row gets the kitty. This tends to stimulate action, because when a player wins a pot, she is likely to loosen her requirements for the next pot to try to get the kitty. She may kill the next pot to try to increase her chances of winning the next pot and to keep out the two-card draws.
ZOMBIE
A poker player with no tells (see tell), one who has a poker face, shows no emotion, and otherwise exhibits no behavior to give away his holdings.
This week:
Aaron: +$45
Tal: +$30
Stewart: +$35
Brandon: -$10
Beaver Dam: -$20
Ronen: -$20
Al: -$20
Eugene: -$40 (likes taking it from behind at the river)
Quote of the Day #1: "If she can drive, she can be driven"
Quote of the Day #2: "If she can crawl, she can assume the position"
Tal: +$30
Stewart: +$35
Brandon: -$10
Beaver Dam: -$20
Ronen: -$20
Al: -$20
Eugene: -$40 (likes taking it from behind at the river)
Quote of the Day #1: "If she can drive, she can be driven"
Quote of the Day #2: "If she can crawl, she can assume the position"
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