Joseph "The Calculator Kline was disgusted by the lack of committment and flew into a rage firing his poker case into his car as he fishtailed out of the parking lot. After slamming into several innocent pedestrians, he got out, beat them with his spade and sped off cursing, "SMITH! YOU BASTARD!" No charges have been laid but unless I receive compensation for keeping this quiet, the hit and run could get ugly Kline.
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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan drank himself into a dark black depression after he purchased a second condo with monies he hadn't actually won yet. Instead, with the no shows, he was forced to re-mortgage his existing mansion and had to ask the ex-playmates to move back home with mommy. The question of age of these so called ex-playmates are up for discussion as several women had furry bears in their arms and "blankies" when their mommies picked them up. "Coming second place in a tournament sucks when you plan on taking down huge pots. I'll have to go back to rectal ventriliquism to earn some cash at bars. It's a sure bet, no one can believe it when they see it live. I use it mostly on elevators though."
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Randy the "River Rat" Wasser brought both a spade and a shovel to the tournament and clearly looked confused as to why he was asked to bring them. When the tournament was about to start, he was still out back digging random holes in the back garden to justify their inclusion in his tournament carry-all. He missed the buy-in and was unable to play in the tournament. He was last seen hitchhiking back to New Brunswick where he will be searching for the Sasquatch/abominable snowman on his magical mystery tour. Yes there may have been some drug use during the selection of "things Randy would love to do".
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was unable to attend, apparently his private jet had a spider monkey jammed in the engine and he wasn't able to catch another flight. He was forced to login to online poker and lost a $100,000 in one hand to a Siberian coal miner who hit four eights against his full house. "I was shocked and appalled. Is online poker legit? I haven't seen four of a kind in two years...oh, maybe once, I forgot about the famous Kline 10's. Talk about balls across the face. I have sack burn on my forehead and some pubes caught like splinters in my eyebrows.
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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio lost this week pushing back his reign of terror on this years poker scene. "I get bored with these tight playing bush wackers. I need action jackson poker, maybe we should raise the blinds faster to allow for some actual poker to take place instead of this meandering, lethargic hack poker that I keep getting lulled into playing. If it wasn't for the racialism and dirty talk, I probably wouldn't play. Rectal Ventriliquism? I've known how to do that for years!"
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John "ZOMBIE" Smith was once again visibily upset and anxious about interviews. He's delving into the art of children's books. He had this to say, "I'm working on a story aimed at young men who don't really understand the ramifications of marriage. "Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl Said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode Motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and Drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the Toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted." The book is actually only two pages but the kids should get the message.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is back in the winners circle again this week and there just could be a correlation between alchohol ingestion and his ability to play. "I didn't drink at all this week and look what happened. We'll see what happens next week. I didn't have much fun though. My wife has been pushing me to become Catholic to Baptise our son, I recently spoke to the Bishop of Canterbury, the one she wants to complete the Baptism and he actually asked me if I would sew my foreskin back on. I had to question this line of thinking...then thought, maybe we should head over to the Pastafarian religion. WHAT? You thought Borat was a documentary on Jews? NO I CAN'T TURN INTO A COCKROACH AND MOVE UNDER DOORFRAMES YOU TWAT! THIS INTERVIEW IS OVER!"
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Clint "Beaver Dam" Oris lost 40,000 but wasn't the biggest loser on the night. Newcomer Gerry "Bigbag"Sellmynuts lost 60 big ones in his first ever MNPL debut. "We probably won't see him again." Clint has also recently become a pastafarian. "I believe the flying spaghetti monster is coming. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."
—Bobby Henderson, "prophet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster"
GIVING YOU THE NUTS:
A NEW BOOK Life on Tilt: Confessions of a Poker Dad By John Blowers - A MUST HAVE FOR ANY POKER PLAYER
This week:
Aaron: -$20 Tal: +$30 Stewart: +$35 Beaver Dam: -$40 Eugene: -$20 (likes taking it from behind at the river) Gerry "Bigball" Sellmynuts: -60 Stephano Klinovich: +20
Quote of the Day #1: "WHERE THE FUCK IS EVERYONE?" Commish
Quote of the Day #2: "WHERE'S AL'S GOAT, I'M HORNY!" Oris
"According to the Pastafarian belief system, pirates are "absolute divine beings" and the original Pastafarians.[5] Their image as "thieves and outcasts" is misinformation spread by Christian theologians in the Middle Ages and by Hare Krishnas. Pastafarianism says that they were in fact "peace-loving explorers and spreaders of good will" who distributed candy to small children, and adds that modern pirates are in no way similar to "the fun-loving buccaneers from history." Pastafarians celebrate International Talk Like a Pirate Day on September 19. Ghost pirates are also believed to be responsible for all the mysterious lost ships and planes of the Bermuda Triangle.
The inclusion of pirates in Pastafarianism was part of Henderson's original letter to the Kansas School Board. It illustrated that correlation does not imply causation. Henderson put forth the argument that "global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of pirates since the 1800s."[5] A chart accompanying the letter (with numbers humorously disordered on the x-axis) shows that as the number of pirates decreased, global temperatures increased. This parodies the suggestion from some religious groups that the high numbers of disasters, famines and wars in the world is due to the lack of respect and worship towards a deity.
In 2008, Henderson interpreted the growing pirate activities at the Gulf of Aden as additional support, pointing out that Somalia has "the highest number of Pirates AND the lowest Carbon emissions of any country."[27]"
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