John “Never Wins a Tournament” Smith Crushes Table at AKPT
Written for Ladies, Mr. Oris, Goat Shepherds, Bull Shitters, Mr. Rye, Mr. Apple Head, and Others!
Goats run for your lives!! The festive Monday night AKPT was a resounding success. The AKPT is no typical, meat-and-potatoes garden-variety poker tournament. The leisurely thirty-minute blinds and $200,000 starting chip count allow for lots of advanced play (like the min. raise, the triple check-call, and the early position limp).
This is a star studded event, with a red carpet, poker chips made of gold and a million bucks in prize money.I don't think there was a topic left untouched in this slushy Crown & Coke downing, Super Bowl beer chugging, Dorito dipping flatulent affair. Jessica Alba may you never grow a penis and when it comes to shaving a face...small apple heads of the world unite!
Add pure oxygen, plenty of alcohol, scantily clad cocktail waitresses, and the thrill of winning a jackpot... then you got yourself a perfect situation where fairly intelligent people will throw away their hard earned money and dignity for the greater good of the game. Yes, this is the AKPT.
When John “Wifebeater” Smith showed up for the tournament and had this to say, “Unfortunately I had to sneak out of the house and down with a twenty dollar bill in my pocket, pilfered from my three year old daughters piggy bank. The ole “I’ll pay it back later” on my brain as I did the unthinkable. I didn’t even say goodbye as I pulled the chute on my mother-in-laws birthday get together. An absolute abhorrent act to the Italian community I have found myself immersed in. Good god...how did it come to this? The Italian necktie may be in my immediate future unless the ole concrete shoe end is in the cards.”
Cint Oris arrived by helicopter with more bling than a four armed rapper who worships Mr T. “Goosebumps ripple up and down my arms as I step into the room as I try to fix my fro from the copter wings. I hear the friendly barrage of insults bounce back and forth, I’m paralyzed by the thrill of the chase. WTF? BFF? The boys rip through one liners faster than a four headed comedian on crack. It’s as if I am stepping into a casino floor in Las Vegas. I miss the hum of non-stop gambling and the intoxicating aroma of pure oxygen mixed with cheap perfume and stale cigarette smoke; even though the only time I’ve been in Vegas is through the lens of a Hollywood camera. I came to hang out with “da boys” but what I was really seeking was what I have read about and seen on television; a true gamblers high. Or maybe I was just escaping the ball and chain.
Tal "The Juice” Mastrovich has been hovering under the radar recently. "I've been practising my ping pong and Playstation Hockey skills. Poker has been placed on the backburner for now. I've won so much money it's time to direct my attention to new challenges. I need to make a living don't get me wrong, but poker is more of a hobby for me now. I've won virtually every tournament, time to let the new kids loose on the scene." The interview ended when The Juice took a phone call, it sounded like a Russian Rave song blasting from his phone and almost blew up my microphone. He apologized and lumbered off clearly irritated at someone who owes him a substantial amount of money.
”Joseph “Slowplay” Kline, the host and number one seed of this tournament plays tighter than a bulls ass in fly season. He had this to say before the first shuffle. “Many nights in my dreams I’ve walked the Vegas strip and passed hordes of slow moving tourists all sneering at the illegal immigrant porn-slappers who offer them glossy business cards with photos of petite Asian Ladyboys and escort agencies that will send rent-a-ho’s to your hotel to lick your balloon-knot clean for a few green backs. I’ve often pondered on paying for a Cleveland Steamer but have yet to cross that boundary.” Joseph...WTF?
Ronny “Mr. Rye” Gold, a man of few words simply stated, “I came here to win but if I happen to take down a Kline or two..then that will add to the pleasure of winning. It might even surpass it.” He then rushed to the bathroom to release some sort of chemical his wife whose an accredited Naturopath had given him to bring him good luck. Apparently it’s in the experimental stages.
Stewie “Mr. Bullshit” aka “The Chinaman” Doogan parachuted in from Monte Carlo dressed in a James Bond classic tuxedo. “I like da numba thuty fo. Foking guys...I take all da moneez and make da tells so eezy dey cannot win. I go to call YIII YIII YIII YEEEEE a lot fo de muneez.” He pulled out of the Chinese accent and said he was wearing horse shoes literally in has anus to bring him luck. He didn’t say how large or how far these horseshoes were located.
Boris “The Goat Blower” Gaudio had this to say, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Like the night I paid a Bellagio Cher look-alike five bills to shove a ping pong ball up my ass while wearing a Catholic school girl getup and baying like a goat. Of course, those were pre-recession prices. These days, you can find out-of-work investment bankers who will do that to each other for a bag of nickels and a free buffet coupon.”
Like most of you, I am following two new developments in the world of Full Tilt Poker with great interest. Unlike most of you, I am following it with nothing but two brain cells and a complete lack of fact checking as I write this, but I’m sure I’m getting all the details correct, so just take my word for it, okay?
The first development is the now-famous “Kline Tens” named after the young internet poker phenom Joseph “MHOCFMIGSP Klein. (Money hungry, odds counting, facial muscular interpreting, goat sucking phenomenon). Phew... Mr. Mhocfmigsp first came to national prominence in a televised heads-up match with Phil McKrackin who accused him of using far too many “r”’s in a row and commented on his politically incorrect vocabulary and racialist tendencies.
With the newly created PoKabulary comes a relatively new development in poker terminology. We now have the legendary “Smith Collapse”. It is a move that occurs when a player drinks too much and has completely lost track of the game and the English language. The player has a nice stack that is up for grabs as the vultures circle knowing he is about to commit a witless manoeuvre. The player tries to bluff his stack into several stronger hands leaving his money on the table and gasps of bewilderment from other players not used to seeing such self- destructive suicidal play so late in the game.
When Mr. Smith was asked recently why he never folds when he knows he’s outgunned with a pocket pair of hooks and two aces on the board he had this to say , “Folding? Folding is ridiculous. THIS IS A GAME OF AGGRESSION, PEOPLE. What is less aggressive than folding??? Did Napoleon fold at Waterloo? No! History, people. Think Custer. Think history. Don't burn your fiddle in Rome like Nero.”
John “Wife Beater” Smith just went on one of those runs today at the AKPT. He hit every big hand and made just about every right call, running his stack up to 750 for the chip lead. He was followed by Clint Oris otherwise known as Richie Ri$h decided to take his balls off his girlfriend's key chain to attend the tournament, is known by most of the general poker public as the kid who made the 9-4o "hero play" on Mike Sexton at the 2008 WSOP.
Unfortunately the money bubble burst for Ronny “Mr Rye” Gold midway through the tournament when his chip lead dwindled down until he was crushed in a head on collision with poker Titan Stewie the Chinaman. Ronny's actual name is more than ironic for his poker playing last night after he committed a less dramatic “Smith Collapse” over an extended period of time. This shall forever be known as the “Steaming Donkey”. He stated and I am rephrasing, that he hates poker, and vows never to play such a stupid game again. The Steaming Donkey is capable of anything -- all-in with trash, calling with gut-shot draws and any flush draw, regardless of the pot odds. A very dangerous player is Mr. Rye...especially after consuming several alcoholic beverages.
Among other big stacks that ended the night was Stewie the “Chinaman” Doogan who awkwardly ticked his way to third overall with $540,000. Boris "BFF" Gaudio self destructed in the final minutes of the game blowing a substantial stack to Clint Oris using the famous, “Smith Collapse” technique for the first time. “I can’t believe I was the that stupid! I was playing on my Crackberry and made the call in the wrong game. How am I supposed to feed my kids...I was counting on that cash! Next week I’m going to bury Clint Oris.”
Tune in next week when we will see if blowing a dead goat is preferable to blowing a live one. “Is that called Neck-goat-phobia?’Slang term for the day – (45 = Jesse James)
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of : Poker Strategy For Huge Donkeys
Sponsored by Crown Royal and Doritos
No comments:
Post a Comment