We’ll start of this week profiling one of the true greats in the MNPL (Monday Night Poker League). Alexi "The Juice” Mastrovich. Mr. Juice, as he is known amongst his allies and contacts in the shady underworld of loan sharking, is one of the most notable personalities in the poker scene today.His quirky personality has made him the darling of the media and he has come to be known for his suave, polished look and self-confident stance. His flair comes with a touch of arrogance, "It's not bragging if you can back it up. Balls across the nose boys, BATN!"
Mastrovich has won over $1.3 million since 2003 alone. He has earned ten times as much through his money lending business called, Pay Or I’ll Massage Your Head With a Brick Inc.The self-confessed "Poker Brat" has been known to throw tantrums and flip tables after losing a game but this attitude does nothing to affect his playing ability. Mastrovich’s slow pace shuffling has emerged as an actual emulated style in amateur tournaments world-wide. “He shuffles the tits off the queens, the nuts off the kings and the nipples off the jacks...there’s not much I can say about it except it works, you always get a good mix after he shuffles. Mastrovich is so difficult to read. He’s as slippery as otter snot and tighter than a fishes ass when he plays poker but I kind of like it when he bends over to fill up his crown and I get to see his plumber butt. He wouldn’t give you the steam off his piss but ya gotta love a guy who can juice you faster than Jack Lalanne!” Said Joseph “The Calculator” Kline recently about his soul-mate and mentor.
Mastrovich has nine World Series of Poker bracelets to his name, all won in Hold'em events. He is also one of the largest earners in poker history, having come away with enormous tournament winnings over the last 9 years. He’s also outspoken regarding the use of marijuana, though he admits that he likes his vodka and Pall Malls. Ironically Mastrovich will be vacationing in the Mecca of Marijuana, Jamaica, next week. He is staying at the Hedonism III resort where he plans to let loose in his leopard skin thong and afro wig. “There’s more marijuana in Jamaica than goats but I don’t support communism and Mexico is uglier than a hat full of assholes.” Said Alexi from his private jet circling LAX this week.
The freedom to enjoy himself is high on Mastrovich’s life priorities. He believes that "living well is all about optimizing, and achieving a balance between fun, freedom and fulfillment." He only considers himself a "semi-professional" poker player and he currently resides in Toronto, Ontario with his wife Maria “Gina” Mastrovich who is pregnant with his first of many, many, many children.
Clint Oris, coming off a two tournament losing spin, had this to say about Mastrovich, “After each tournament he’s off like a Jewish boys foreskin before we can say boo yah to him. I’ve never seen him hang around nor have I had the chance to even shake his hand...he’s a mystery....a dark horse in any tournament. He came up big at the EGPT last night. Even though he has a face like a dog's bum with a bad shave, I respect em. He’s a Maldovian river rat that can drink more vodka than a polar bear. Gotta respect, gotta respect.
”Ronny “Mr. Rye” Gold had another strong finish and is now a full contender in the MNPL. Combined with his double Kline takeout which is infamous, he can add the “WO (Doogan and Oris) takedown”. In a very controversial play that sent Clint Oris back to the bank and Doogan screaming “NO TABLE TALK...THIS IS BULLSHIT!! Mr. Rye sat quietly counting his chips in the aftermath. “I was amazed that they tried to bully me from my pot. Then, after I clearly won, they tried to steal chips back. They are a disgrace to the game. I am so glad Kline was there to count it out for me.” Mr. Rye has officially come out from under the Rookie umbrella he’s carried around like baggage for the past year.
Joseph “The Calculator” Kline had this to say about Mr. Rye’s poker progress. “It was like beating a handicapped kid or stealing candy from a retard in the beginning. I always loved going head to head with Mr. Rye. Now that he’s learned a few tricks though...I don’t know anymore...he’s tough...tougher than Mike Tyson’s testes.” My. Rye has had several strong finishes and has been the chip leader throughout the last few tournaments he’s played in. As long as he can stay away from the Steaming Donkey or Smith Collapse, this up and comer is sure to take a tournament or two in the upcoming months.
Stewie “King Bullshit” Doogan on the other hand finally experience his first “Smith Collapse”. Strangely enough, as fate would have it, he met up with Mr. Smith himself in the final hand of the EGPT tournament with a large chip lead. He was so sure he had won the hand he stood for ten minutes staring at the river card whispering...”I didn’t see it? I did not see that coming. I got donkey punched for fu*& sake! At least I got five bucks in my pocket! Damn! Rivered...I got rivered by SMITH!!!”
John “River Boat” Smith was briefly interviewed after the tournament. We can’t print any of it here because we couldn’t understand a word. He sounded like he had fist in his mouth and a shoehorn in his anus. He was in the middle of a classic "Smith Collapse" last night but managed to chase both a flush and a straight when calling all in. He actually hit the straight. Complete luck of the draw. Mr. Smith shit his pants so we had to cancel the rest of the interview. He was last seen getting on a bus heading to the airport with a pair of saggy jeans on and a strangely masculine looking woman wearing army pants.
Boris “Pasta Fajole” Gaudio, whose father is Italian and mother is Russian was a no show last night. He was the host of the tournament but was knocked out before the tournament came to a close. “I had nuttin...not a single playable hand...it was awful...just awful. I bluffed a few pots...but my all in was called on my first Ace of the night. I was more concerned with the drywall on the cigarette breaks mind you...the MNPL has to crack down on the full contact floor hockey. I see no need for it. It was odd too, not seeing my four foot high Barbie on the sidelines. Last week they tried to flatten her head and remove her teeth. This time I was concerned that some of the players might poke some new holes in her and my kids need her as a toy...so I didn't invite her in.”
We finally figured out the answer to last weeks skill testing question. It is in fact preferable to blow to freshly killed dead goat. Still warm and no fight. Unless you take it near the edge of a cliff and jam it’s hind legs into a pair of loose rubber boots.
Tune in two weeks when we do mandatory drug tests on several members of the MNPL.
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of Poker is For Losers but Losers are Cool Too
Sponsored by MADD and BGS (British Goat Society)
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