John “Donkey Thrasher” Smith Does the Unimaginable at the COPT ®
(Clint Oris Poker Tournament)
We’ll start of this week by detailing the mandatory drug testing that we performed on all MNPL® players. Several of the players failed the MDT (Mandatory Drug Testing) but due to contractual agreements and sponsorship deals the league refused to disclose the results. Let’s just say that one unnamed player had about three hundred different pharmaceutical drugs in his blood, all legal, and another player who shall remain unnamed had a large amount of goat semen in his abdomen. One of the players who failed the drug testing was recently in Jamaica on tour and this result came as no surprise to anyone including his own mother.
League Commissioner and player extraordinaire Joseph “The Calculator” Kline had this comment, “There is absolutely no advantage to players using performance enhancing drugs when playing poker. What we are looking for are some of the recreational psychedelic drugs that can lead to temporary telepathic abilities. We are concerned that these types of drugs are making their way into the mainstream poker circuit. As yet, there is evidence of severe drug usage but not the type of drugs we are concerned with. We decided to hold the March classic in Jamaica in hopes of netting some of the suspected players.”
Like nuts in a vice John “Donkey Thrasher” Smith took over last night wading through a sea of bluffs on his road to his third victory in as many tournaments. “It’s uncanny. I don’t know if I’m getting reads on people or if it’s the lucky Hawain Lai I was wearing. I’ll never know. All I know is that I just came back from Jamaica and gave birth to a baby Rhino in Clint Oris’s bathroom. I’m sorry but DAMN that hurt!” (Having shut down several toilets around the globe this is no laughing matter.)
This week, due to his poker prowess, we have decided to profile two of John Smith’s hands that show both genius and mass confusion with the game of poker.
Winning Hand: Smith has A-h and A-s pre-flop. Blinds are at $10,000. He raises to $30,000. Two players call. On the flop are A-c , 6-h and J-s . Smith raises another $30,000.
Player two folds. Stewie “King Bullshit” Doogan calls YiiiiYiiii ALL-IN without looking at his cards. Smith takes ten minutes to figure out why he didn’t look at his cards after the flop and immediately blasted his mighty warrior guns pretending to have a flush when he could have slow played for at least another hand to suck out more chips knowing Smith usually folds like a lawnchair when the blue chips are flying.
Smith eventually calls and knocks out King Bullshit in true MNPL glory. “He was actually wearing a fking crown! He looked like the Burger King dude! I think it was the crown that made me call, not the booze, the actual crown. He had a pair of kings and was chasing the straight like a fat guy chasing a donut truck. Trip Aces wins!”
Losing Hand 2: Donkey Thrasher Smith became the donkey on this hand which would have sent his winnings into the thousands.With a mighty chip lead Smith raises pre-flop with A-s and 4-c . $30,000 – pot becomes $100,000.On the flop A-d 6-d J-s . Mr. Rye raises $30,000 and Smith just calls.Turn comes up K-d . With three diamonds now showing, Smith sees an opportunity as Mr. Rye checks his cards. Smith immediately raises $50,000 without hesitation. Mr. Rye seems to sit for a few minutes then says Call...followed by All in. Smith is dumbfounded. Confused. How can Mr. Rye call when he clearly is shown a flush bet that he clearly doesn’t have? Mr. Rye can only call as he stated that first prior to actually saying raise. River is a 10-h . Useless. Smith checks showing weakness to see what Mr. Rye will do and in fact he went all in with $60,000 more dollars. Smith folds immediately without thinking about his pot odds. Mr. Rye throws down pocket 9’s of no discernable suit.
Smith is in shock and loses a monster hand in which he was the obvious leader. “I donkey punched him, reverse tromboned him and then dragged my balls across his nose! Take that bitch slap!”, said Mr. Rye after he walked away in third place with a nice $200,000 return on his investment. When Smith asked Ronny “Mr. Rye” Gold, with eyes wider than a Jamaican hookers legs, why he re-raised with a pair of nines. Mr. Rye calmly exclaimed, “I was hoping to hit the third nine and it was late and I was willing to lose my stack.” Bewildered, Smith picked up his winnings and headed directly to the nearest Harvey’s where he ordered three double burgers and a diet coke to drown his frustration. The rest of his winnings were discovered late that night in his anus during coitus with his wife who decided to finger bang Smith in the heat of the moment. Smith completely forgot where he was or what he had hidden and lost his stash to his crafty wife.
Boris “Figlio di Cazzo” Gaudio continued his losing streak giving up $40,000 to the mighty (lucky) Smith in two showdowns that left him speechless and without any chips. “He’s a parallelogram. I can’t believe he called me on that last bluff. I had him beat mentally, physically and spiritually. I had no idea I was betting into a King with a higher kicker. This slow playing river jumping donkey called. HE CALLED! I can't feed my sixteen children now. I was bluffing a monster hand, I played it textbook style. TWICE. Smith took my Lai and ran with it. They were giving me bad luck so I ditched them. Obviously Mr. Smith doesn't grasp the simple concept of fold-equity or showdown value. Dumbass...donkey dumbass. Smith was too busy playing Back Seat Bingo with his boyfriends growing up to know what a poker game is. How am I losing to this DONKEY! I’m going to buy this Poker for Beginners guide by Daniel Negreanu that Smith keeps quoting. I don’t even have bad beats to blame. I’m just losing to losers!”
Gaudio is also in the Guinness Book of World Records for growing the fastest beard, a special trait that can be traced to Nonno Luigi from Calabria who had to shave three times a day.
Alexi “I knew you had pocket rockets” Mastrovich, aka Mr. Juice, had this to say about coming in second this week behind Smith. “What the hell is a Maldovian river rat? I played steady this week. Kind of like how I drank my Pink Tigers and rum and diet cokes in Montego Bay. Slow and steady. Not to name names but I was the most consistent tonight and throughout the Jamaican tour. I liked my kings tonight. I took down a few pots like a rastafarian stealing Ganja from a Kingston grow-op. I was happy to walk out with a little change in my pocket. Designer Glad bags dipped in designer perfume won't change the fact that what's inside is still garbage. Smith is going to crack soon enough and I’ll be the one to take him down. I saw him practising the upside down Jamaican booty shake last week and let me tell you, there is nothing pretty about that at all.”
Mr. Juice was last seen trying to steal blue chips made of chocolate from a ten year old boy at a convenience store. Apparently he has a blue chip fetish that is somehow connected to his fear of bacterial infection and girls with orange bracelets.
Joseph “The Calculator” Kline coming off another loss had this to say. “Having a player say thank you after winning a pot off me makes me want to choke them. It's not a metaphor; I literally want to choke them purple. Saying thank you after winning a pot is best described as "twisting the knife." I have stacks of cash and I’m tired of playing this slow-rolling casual Texas Hold'Em. I want bigger stakes, bigger fish and bigger bank rolls. I’m the only one calculating odds at this table. I play with morons! The only thing more enraging than losing to these banana hammocks (turn off the gaydar – not a homoerotic reference homophobes and it’s not a racially motivated attack on one of the members of the poker team who is in fact, Jamaican – I digress) is not being able to buy a Pink Tiger mixed drink at my local pub. Smith is going down. Just because I called ALL-IN to a piano concerto and was taken down like a blond surfer by a Great White screaming in the same strange tongue as a suicide bomber in a tourist area - it doesn't mean anything. Just because Mr. Smith and I shared a ride down the lazy river and perfected our synchronized back flip entry onto the river raft means nothing once the cards are on the table it's all business. I’m thinking of going halves with Gaudio on the Poker for Beginners guide...Smith has horseshoes stuck up his...boxer-less shorts. Other than slow-rolling, I seriously don't think anything tilts me more than someone saying thank you. Now fkc off I’m busy!”
Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris, the gracious host of the tournament was on full tilt and ran into a headstrong Smith as well. My sponsorship by Red Bull is in jeopardy now cause of Smith. The sponsors want wins. They want my T-shirt, my hat and my tattoo to be on national TV as much as possible. Exposure is key. I just need to stay sober longer ,that’s all. I had some bad beats but all in all, I had a good time with da boyz. It cost me $40,000 but what the heck, I paid that much for the limos, the cocktail waitress and the party girls with the blow. Between the pizza, Jagger, beer, Crown and Doritos it was one hell of an expense but one that I was up for. What’s another forty grand? I can’t wait until St. Patricks day to get my buzz on again. I think the Bob Marley tunes playing in the background lulled me into a false comfort zone. “Buffalo soldier, heart of America.” Man I need to get stoned! Hey, are you gonna print that? I just did the MDT!”
Stewie “King Bullshit” Doogan on the other hand finally experience his first full on “Smith Collapse”. “Fcking table talk again! Fck!!! I wore the crown and all, I didn’t think Smith had the lizard skin to stay the course. This table talk has to stop. It has to stop or I’m going Tasmanian the next time. That wouldn’t be good, not for poker and not for my parole. At least I walked away with a bottle of Appletons’. They sponsored me for winning the Jamaican classic last week. At least I think I did. I don’t remember much at all from last week come to think of it. The last thing I remember was my brother in law heading on stage to do some sexy Robocop dance to get his shirt back. It was both awkward and somewhat arousing all at the same time. Strangely, oblivion soon took over. I think I just had a NAM flashback! Did I see Smith do a body slam on a some woman on stage? Is that possible? Did he try to ram a balloon into her assbasket too? Wow...brain ain’t so good no mores! I woke up on Sunday and found myself west of highway 66 with two pieces of gum in my pocket crying “Mamma, Mamma!” I picked myself up, walked very slowly, all the way back to Toronto carrying a flamethrower. That pack of wild dogs never knew what hit em. WTF? Am I still in my first acid trip stuck in some crazy dream? Shit...the MDT...shit...don’t write this man or I will fkc you up. Come here! COME HERE! COME BACK YOU FKC!”
That pretty much ends the blog for this week. I cracked a rib when I tripped over an aligator trying to get away from Doogan near Dunns River Falls. I don’t think he’s going to let me interview him for awhile.
My new addition to the blog is the Disgruntled poker player’s Quote of the Day:
“I can’t type for the anger that is boiling in me right now. Pokerstars is beyond a joke., I kid you not. EVERY [censored] is sucking out on me. My big hands are losing every showdown. I can’t suck out for [censored]. Once again I am getting it in dominating, but they hit their 3 outers like 95% of the time. I am again actually calling the fkin cards that will fall. I have steam coming out of my ears. Pokerstars RNG is NOT straight. I am telling you, it’s fkin not.” http://burnleymik.ukpokerscene.co.uk/
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of: Poker Las-Vegas Style as NOT told by Bulldog Sykes.
Sponsored by Red Bull, Appleton Rum and the Iberostar Rose Hall Beach Resort
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