MNPL® Commish Joseph “The Calculator” Kline has cancelled all Mexican MNPL® dates for the next year and has issued a warning to all players to avoid travelling to Mexico for fear of contributing to the spread of Wine Flu. A cousin to the recent epidemic of Swine Flu which is now sweeping fear around the world, the lesser known Wine Flu has many of the same symptoms but as of yet has not caused any fatalities.
This announcement comes on the heels of the news of the demise of Kline’s presidential bid last week amidst the writer’s strike which shut down production of the MNPL® blog which is seen as “integral to the success of the league. The Blog is one of the most buzzed-about and powerful integrations between poker and our fan base on the internet to date.” Said Kline. The Doritos’ sponsorship of Kline’s election campaign might still have some “crunch” left for the 2014 election but we won’t hold our breath.
As for the controversy last week regarding the chip count the mystery was partially solved by Detective John Holmes who found a stash of counterfeit chips that made their way into the tournament. “We have several suspects in our sites and we have shut down the illegal counterfeit chip making scheme by adding security with Smart Chips so that any future attempts at counterfeiting will be thwarted. I personally counted and inspected each poker chip at the tournament and we will be guarding these chips with our lives. I can personally guarantee this will never happen again.” Powerful words from someone with a lot to lose should the sponsorship deals go South with both Doritos and newly found sponsor, Loving Comfort adult diapers.
Interviews With the Stars
This announcement comes on the heels of the news of the demise of Kline’s presidential bid last week amidst the writer’s strike which shut down production of the MNPL® blog which is seen as “integral to the success of the league. The Blog is one of the most buzzed-about and powerful integrations between poker and our fan base on the internet to date.” Said Kline. The Doritos’ sponsorship of Kline’s election campaign might still have some “crunch” left for the 2014 election but we won’t hold our breath.
As for the controversy last week regarding the chip count the mystery was partially solved by Detective John Holmes who found a stash of counterfeit chips that made their way into the tournament. “We have several suspects in our sites and we have shut down the illegal counterfeit chip making scheme by adding security with Smart Chips so that any future attempts at counterfeiting will be thwarted. I personally counted and inspected each poker chip at the tournament and we will be guarding these chips with our lives. I can personally guarantee this will never happen again.” Powerful words from someone with a lot to lose should the sponsorship deals go South with both Doritos and newly found sponsor, Loving Comfort adult diapers.
Interviews With the Stars
Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio was back in top form clawing his way back and grinding out another tournament victory. Winner of the JKPC was a relief for the aging poker star. “I knew it was going to be a great night when I farted out the rotten goat I ate for dinner. Thank Christ I had my Loving Comfort diapers on. Why do I wear diapers? I wear them recreationally for comfort, for emotional fulfillment and sexual gratification. Doesn’t everyone? I eat a lot of goat so it comes in handy in a lot of different circumstances. My wife loves to swaddle me too so it’s a win-win situation for the Gaudio family.”
(NOTE - THIS WAS WRITTEN IN ERROR - BORIS DID CLAW HIS WAY BACK FROM A $60,000 deficit but did not win the tournament, he broket even. Our sources were incorrect.)
Clint “I’ll Sue You All” Oris was happy to learn that his lack of a turtle neck makes him last longer. “I honestly had no idea. I just grew up with my little soap carrier – you need a rubber band and a reasonably sized bar of soap – trust me it works. I took the skin and stuffed a cat in it once just for shits and giggles. The cat almost died and luckily it had been declawed. I hadn’t even thought about that until he went ballistic on my ball-sac. The claws would have torn me to shreds. I’ve had my share of Shmega too, that is just an awful thing to see. I once wiped my hand in my younger brothers face covered in Shmeg just to see his reaction.” The sick son of a bitch collapsed in Shakespeare like fashion but was able to keep some of his stack after going full tilt through most of the night. “I have never had such a drastic collapse in poker. I was so far ahead I could taste the victory. Then it all fell apart like a house of cards made from goat fur. Just wasn’t my night for a much needed win. I walked away even but I could have pocketed a bundle.”
Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan was unavailable for comment. We have no idea how he placed in the tournament cause no one is talking. The Juice offered to be interviewed on the outcome but wanted too much “$motivation$” to speak. We basically couldn’t afford it. We did receive an anonymous email with an attached photocopy stating that, “Yeah? Justice! I want justice and respect. Clint Oris blows goats and his mother wears army boots!” We did an analysis of the hand writing and compared it with the competitors and it was clearly MacDoogan who sent it. The name on the email was lickmymcmanus@hotmail.com. Clearly we are dealing with a disturbed individual. MacDoogan and Oris have been friends for years so it is not surprising a lovers spat has broken out between them. Details can be found in the National Enquirer being printed tomorrow. Pictures include a tryst they had in Vegas five years ago that may have been photoshopped. We think the actual pictures were taken of acrobats.
Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich refused comment on the actual event and was clearly distraught by the fact that his own private company is currently in a bidding war for the contracts for the pay-per-view rights for the MNPL®. “This writers strike pisses me off. Julius...WTF? Once I gain control of the media rights to the league, we’ll have rolling blackouts similar to the NHL. If you want to watch the games...you have to pay the Juice!” We will have more on that story as the drama unfolds.
Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich refused comment on the actual event and was clearly distraught by the fact that his own private company is currently in a bidding war for the contracts for the pay-per-view rights for the MNPL®. “This writers strike pisses me off. Julius...WTF? Once I gain control of the media rights to the league, we’ll have rolling blackouts similar to the NHL. If you want to watch the games...you have to pay the Juice!” We will have more on that story as the drama unfolds.
(Updated quote: Due to the inaccuracy of the reporting - we felt it necessary to include this note that The Juice was the tournament champion once again and leaked this information to us free of charge simply to maintain his ego and pride. John J. Jingleheimerschmidt has been fired for inaccurate journalism)
An anonymous tip came from an inside source this week calling out Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold who was allegedly criticizing players slow play during the tournament. Our source wanted him to know the following. “Unless he's going to pay attention the entire game then he should shut the f**k up.” I may have taken the exact wording and paraphrased it creating a far more aggressive and confrontational tone (and added some profanity) but I want to keep this beat and I need the readership to increase until Julius Goat gets back.
John “Dumb Drunk” Smith got caught doing a bong rip at a frat party and is currently doing six weeks of community service and was unable to play in the tournament. He said and I quote, “I got caught up in some bizarre frosh week ritual and had to carry a vinyl record in my ass and run around a fifty foot long circle while they hosed me down naked in front of 20 something-year old female freshman. I loved every minute of it.”
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was practising martial arts in a lesbian camp for runaway teenage girls on Monday night and was also unavailable. He was last seen slapping the mat and rolling around the workout studio screaming...”Let me in, let me in! Why don’t you love me too? AAHHHHHHH!”
The Red Bull Hand of the night: Due to the media blackout we were unable to provide the hand but tune in next week when we will hopefully get through this strike.
Article by John J. Jingleheimerschmidt
WSPN SCAB Sports Writer and Journalist
Sponsored by Red Bull, Howard Stern Satellite Radio, and Loving Comfort Adult Diapers
Actual Letters sent to prospective Advertisers and Sponsors
http://www.doritosguru.ca/contact_us
To Whom it May Concern,
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek.
We consume on average at least 180 Bags Doritos a year and on a good Monday we can destroy four bags.
In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such devoted consumers such as our MNPL team. Even a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends and allies and would be an amazing thing to do. I have contacted the Toronto Sales Office but was only able to leave a voice message.
It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from consuming your products if you don't at least respond but we do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you.
In order to continue with your brand I would think your company would at least consider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will reconsider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can provide a mock letter that says you fully endorse our MNPL game and make us happy little chip consumers!
Our blog is http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ and so far is read weekly by approximately 12 people. We feel we have to start somewhere!
Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL League Commissioner
C.A.
Sent to Howard Stern Website Contact
Dear Howard,
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - the MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek and we simply add a link to your website saying Howard gives us his blessing we will include your name on all of the Blogs we write stating emphatically that we are sponsored by you. We have been turned down by Crown Royal and are pursuing Doritos, our favourite chips. Currently we have 8 players and our readership has grown to 12 people on our blog but we feel it is one hilarious piece of writing that you would be proud of.
We would like to include in the blog:
The Howard Stern comment of the night - this would be the sickest thing stated that night.
Comments on a regular night include fornicating with goats, sleeping with a giant sized toy Barbie and our morbidly obese members accidentally eating small children.
We consume on average at 52 bottles of crown per year, 180 Bags of Doritos a year, twenty pounds of carrots sticks and 34 litres of Vodka. On good Monday we can destroy this average.
It would be a great honour for you to reward such devoted fans of yours who, several members own Satellite radio just to hear your show. Even a gesture of good or acknowledgement of this email will go a long way in helping us remain close allies in comedy in these sinister times. It would be an amazing accomplishment for us. If you don't at least respond through some co-op student filtering emails, we will be more than disappointed. We do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you. We are hoping that you (mr/mrs. email filter) that you will consider at least reading the first line of the blog and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity.
I would sincerely hope you will consider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can provide a mock certificate that says you fully endorse our MNPL game and make us happy little Howard Stern fans!
Sponsored by Red Bull, Howard Stern Satellite Radio, and Loving Comfort Adult Diapers
Actual Letters sent to prospective Advertisers and Sponsors
http://www.doritosguru.ca/contact_us
To Whom it May Concern,
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek.
We consume on average at least 180 Bags Doritos a year and on a good Monday we can destroy four bags.
In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such devoted consumers such as our MNPL team. Even a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends and allies and would be an amazing thing to do. I have contacted the Toronto Sales Office but was only able to leave a voice message.
It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from consuming your products if you don't at least respond but we do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you.
In order to continue with your brand I would think your company would at least consider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will reconsider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can provide a mock letter that says you fully endorse our MNPL game and make us happy little chip consumers!
Our blog is http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ and so far is read weekly by approximately 12 people. We feel we have to start somewhere!
Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL League Commissioner
C.A.
Sent to Howard Stern Website Contact
Dear Howard,
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - the MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek and we simply add a link to your website saying Howard gives us his blessing we will include your name on all of the Blogs we write stating emphatically that we are sponsored by you. We have been turned down by Crown Royal and are pursuing Doritos, our favourite chips. Currently we have 8 players and our readership has grown to 12 people on our blog but we feel it is one hilarious piece of writing that you would be proud of.
We would like to include in the blog:
The Howard Stern comment of the night - this would be the sickest thing stated that night.
Comments on a regular night include fornicating with goats, sleeping with a giant sized toy Barbie and our morbidly obese members accidentally eating small children.
We consume on average at 52 bottles of crown per year, 180 Bags of Doritos a year, twenty pounds of carrots sticks and 34 litres of Vodka. On good Monday we can destroy this average.
It would be a great honour for you to reward such devoted fans of yours who, several members own Satellite radio just to hear your show. Even a gesture of good or acknowledgement of this email will go a long way in helping us remain close allies in comedy in these sinister times. It would be an amazing accomplishment for us. If you don't at least respond through some co-op student filtering emails, we will be more than disappointed. We do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you. We are hoping that you (mr/mrs. email filter) that you will consider at least reading the first line of the blog and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity.
I would sincerely hope you will consider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can provide a mock certificate that says you fully endorse our MNPL game and make us happy little Howard Stern fans!
Our blog is http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ and so far is read weekly by approximately 12 people.
We feel we have to start somewhere!
Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline and Richard Beck
Professional Poker Player
MNPL League Commissioner
C.A.
Sent To Red Bull Customer Service
To Whom it May Concern,
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek.
We enjoy Jagger Bombs which include your product.
In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such devoted consumers such as our MNPL team.
Even a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends and allies and would be an amazing thing to do.
It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from consuming your products if you don't at least respond but we do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you.
In order to continue with your brand I would think your company would at least consider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will consider any gesture of goodwill and in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR dept. drafting a mock sponsorship email back to us.
Thanks for your time,Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL Commish
I think you should consider sponsoring or providing some promotional items for our Monday Night Poker League - MNPL. Even if this done tongue in cheek.
We enjoy Jagger Bombs which include your product.
In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such devoted consumers such as our MNPL team.
Even a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends and allies and would be an amazing thing to do.
It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from consuming your products if you don't at least respond but we do not want to go down that dark and lonely road without you.
In order to continue with your brand I would think your company would at least consider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will consider any gesture of goodwill and in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR dept. drafting a mock sponsorship email back to us.
Thanks for your time,Sincerely Joseph "The Calculator" Kline
Professional Poker Player
MNPL Commish
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