Stewie “King Katze Konservative” MacDoogan had this to say about his poker game. "If, after the first twenty minutes, you don't know who the sucker at the table is, it's you! I heard that somewhere, I think it was the time I was teabagging this Spanish poker fan in the Cambodian Poker Internatioanl Tournament. I was just starting out and this crazy broad says, take me to my room before I kill you. So I did. She used sandpaper on my scrotum and called me Elvis all night long. It was a great time. She also told me, "cards are war, in disguise of a sport." It's true, when you are good and you quote smart people, you sound smart dude. Totally!" Stewie is on a roll and has only succeeded in suffering a Smtih Dent...not a full all out Smith Collapse thus far and has taken his game to the next level.
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Boris “B.I.G.” Gaudio. What can we say? He almost caused a Smith Collapse on Smith himself. I went all in at one point because I was bored shitless. Litterally, I couldn't take a dump in Kline's toilet. I had to do something, unfortunately I added to Macdoogan's chip count. I'll remember that next time. I need the Thanksgiving break to spend my winnings. I'll be broke in two weeks and looking for some cash after I spend ten grand just on Turkey. I'm having fun again and the cards are coming. This is starting out to be a much better year, I may not have to buy six bottles of Crown on special...which I don't even drink just to sponsor. I have noticed one thing, my thumbs are getting HUGE. I can crank out text on the blackberry faster than a nympho darting her G. (That's quick and nimble!)
.There's a valid reason for the thumbs, they hide my cards at the table. Can't see over these nasty puppies, they look like big toes with little nails. So odd...so powerful in the bedroom too. Big thumbs are trendy, I don't stuff my underwear anymore on conferences...I just wiggle my thumbs like the Fonze and the ladies cum running." We believe Gaudio hasn't seen daylight since Monday so we'll just print up these styrofoam words and take the edge off reality.
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Sidenote: I bet the Jolly Green Giant would slaughter the Kool Aid, Michelin and Staypuff all at once in some WWF cage match. Of course he'd have the little green Martian kid that grew up to be the Great Kazoo on the Flintstones.
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold was the sponsor of this weeks event and having run out of chips, Crown and dignity by the first smoke break, the smell of his shame permeated the table. So much so that a united group of players ordered a fresh pizza in protest. Pizza Pizza is a new sponsor. "Hey, last few weeks, no one ate the chips....we're a three bag max Monday night crew. Who knew none of you fat fucks ate dinner?" Woah Nelly, that's getting personal, tone it down Gooch. "Fuck you goat boy. The 800 ML bottle is usually MORE than enough...isn't it?" Comissioner Kline said fines would be imminent and that there will never again be a partial sponsorship as the grumblings from both fans and players were heard echoing throughout the league and the Universe this week.
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The Justice League of America were called in from planet Zork where they were battling a civil war between the local population of marshmellow people and an invading horde of sentient beings that appeared to be disguised as sticks. They kept attacking the native marshmellows and holding them over large fires. It smelled damn good but they were trying to avoid a massive Genocide. More on that later when Green Lantern meets with them to discuss plans to crush the MNPL once and for all. Yes, I have been taking a lot of pain medication lately this paragraph sounds like a Trekky on acid.
The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: The Gooch suffered a complete Smith Collapse at the hands of Macdoogan who took him down like a fat man on a bowl of rice. Yeah, that's down man...totally down. "I had two pairs...I didn't even see the three nines as a possibility. I called all in thinking I had the nuts...then whammo...my balls started sweating. I think Macdoogan knows my tell now...when the Gooch quivers and sweats...I don't have much in the hand. I'll be wearing a cup next week and a pair of depends. Next time Macdoogon..."
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris was busy with his new career in insurance jobs for cars. He was last seen in Barries Kempenfelt Bay climbing out the sunroof of a 2003 blue Cavalier screaming..."Sink you bitch...sink!"
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Guess The Gooch: (Oh Yes we did!) A blue chip goes to the person who correctly guesses who this gooch is most similar too. it's a tight baloon knot so that should give you a hint. Also, it's a gay virgin gooch. That could narrow it down if you know some dirt on other players. Final hint...he's got facial hair - oh, not that's his porcupine bush monster. My bad. Trim that up dude. Wow.
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We heard that he was in for a heart procedure and we were able to interview one of the nurses who was in the ICU ward that day. Inversely she has resigned from all further duties as of October 8th. Nurse Ellen, can you tell us a bit about the procedure and how it went for Mr. Smith, was he a good patient? "Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. That filthy bag of salt has ruined me. He's a big pussy fart! He complains so loudly about a catheter that we didn't put one in. Then after the operation, he gets rolled into my ward all messed up on pain killers and what not. The barbarian didn't even shave before the surgery. You would think, a grown man of almost forty years would think twice about using a condom catheter and not shaving his fruit bowl. I have never seen such a mess. We had to give him Oxy cottons just to cut out the pubic hedge that was stuck in the glue of the condom. It was awful, he kept screaming and then right in the middle of the ordeal, he gets wood. Imagine? All that pain and this insufferable idiot gets a hard on. He couldn't pee for an hour, he's sweating because his own body is poisoning him, he's just had his balls sheared and waxed and he's able to get hard. A donkey couldn't have got a boner with six bottles of Viagra and this spider monkey let's out a Macedonian War Cry when I tore off half his pubes, I still have the condom...it looks like three dead spiders ate a snake." Okay...I can see why you quit your job. "There was three of us working on this issue. Then, I jammed the real catheter in and he begins to yodel like a Swiss school girl high on meth. He filled the bag in three minutes. It took longer to get the condom off and more technical skill than three surgeons to fix him up. I quit my job right after...it's just not worth it anymore. It's a sick sick world out there full of stupid men." With that, nurse Ellen proceeded to jump out the ten story window screaming the words, "I can't un-see thaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" as she fell.
Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is in the happiest poker slump of his life. "Look, when your son learns the spreads instead of sign language...any father would be proud. Last Monday night, I hold up two shirts...Dallas and Minnesota. I point at one and then I point at the other. The shirt that he cries the loudest on...I pick. It's a simple method of ensuring the next generation of Mastrovich's carries on the family business of Juicing. Without this we are nothing. I couldn't give a rats hairless vagina about poker right now, it's the lowest thing on my priorities. I did miss Oris who tends to off set my poker losses. Hopefully he'll be back next week. I get a night away from crying, I get to have a laugh, drink crown and laugh at Smith who isn't drinking. I would pay sixty bucks just to sit on the couch and watch football...maybe next week I will."
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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser made some big moves in position but failed to outbluff Smith on several occasions. All in all a quiet night, losing only $20,000. It's good, the guys are just off the wall but the humor, albeit racialist isn't too bad. These guys just hate everyone so there's no holds barred. I'm looking forward to the initiation...they've all explained the goat sex thing isn't so bad. Smith even kept his goat after his initiation and shaved it's pubes into a mohawk just for kicks. I'll get through it, I'm a team player."
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Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of, "What is the Cuzzif and is it the same as a Taint?"Sponsored by Tea House Cookies, Doritos and Pizza Pizza.
Taxation policy:
In this hypothetical poker game that you refer to which I have never partaken in and have never won any money that would be considered taxable under the Income Tax Act (Canada), R.S.C. 1985 (5th Supplement) c. 1, as amended, (the “Act”) my strictly theoretical numbers are as follows:
PS – Juice, even if you could establish that gambling was a business for you and therefore should be included in your income pursuant to section 3 of the Act, proposed paragraph 3.1(1) of the Act states that a taxpayer can only deduct losses when they have a reasonable expectation of cumulative net profit in the future. I’ll leave that determination up to you.
PPS - The comments expressed in this email are based on (i) the provisions of the Act in force on
the date of this memo; (ii) my understanding of the relevant judicial decisions and principles of Canadian income tax law published prior to the date of this memo; (iii) my understanding of the current published administrative and assessing practices of the Canada Revenue Agency (“CRA”) and the qualification that there can be no assurance that the CRA will not change such practices; and (iv) such other principles of tax law as I have considered relevant.
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