Toronto, Canada – We have just learned of some breaking news regarding Commissioner Kline of the MNPL and his extracurricular activities. "Klein, was charged with possessing child pornography Friday after he handed his cell phone to a bartender who discovered child porn on it. According to police, Klein was drinking at a local bar when he discovered he didn't have enough money to cover the $60 bar tab he had incurred. He reportedly left his cell phone with the bartender as collateral, promising to return the next day to settle his account.The bartender turned the phone on later to discover 7 child porn images had been downloaded to the phone. When Klein returned to the bar the next day, police were waiting for him. During Klein's arrest, officers found two Oxycontin pills and a straw in his possession. Police then confiscated Klein's computer, which was being stored at his parent's home where he lives. A search of the computer revealed 300 to 400 additional child porn images had been downloaded."
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The Comissioner had this to say about these allegations, "My name is spelled K-L-I-N-E you idiot...not Klein...and I don't live in Wisconsin. You even spelled it differently in your quote! Mr. Goat, you will be hearing from my lawyer Seymour Butts! On a more important note, the MNPL will be suing Hollywood regarding the new movie to be released,"The Men Who Stare At Goats" which is loosely based on this blog. We hope to cash in BIG TIME."
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"I was a fox and now I'm working with goats," said Clooney, referring to Fantastic Mr Fox, in which he voices the lead character. "This goat was a particularly nice goat, we spent a lot of time together. He wanted to go over dying around me so we worked on that for a while. The funny thing is the goat was a great actor. He walked in and you went, 'Stare at the camera', and he did it. If you could get Ewan to do that it would help!"
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Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was on full tilt after a press release hit the airwaves during the past week. After being donkey punched (verbally) by Ronny Gold, MacDoogan said he wanted to release the wraith of the mighty shovel on his ass. What that metaphor means is anyone's guess as we interviewed MacDoogan after he'd consumed a case of MGD. "I might bring a shovel next week...nah, I'll just continue to press Gold's string of Smith Collapses - he's now battling for the biggest donkey award with the Juice. Thank God I came back with some big hands after setting a new personal record for the fastest all in YI YI YI YIEEEEEEEEE in MNPL history. It had to be under five minutes and I pooched my gooch to the Gooch. I lost my entire chip stack on the first hand for the first time ever. It will never happen again...even if it does I'll still come back and win."
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold released this statement to the media this past week after Twittering for the first time on his Blackberry device while driving, smoking a cigarette and drinking a sweet, wonderful Tim Horton's coffee and navigating to the nearest adult video on his GPS. "Stewie...your constant swipes at my GPS leads me to think that either you are too technologically inept to operate such a device, or, years of drunken, farm-loving shovel handling has left you with the mental inability to operate such a device. Let us know which one it is tonight." Oh, bitch slap baby and balls across the chin.
Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio was the host of the tourny last night and provided both the booze and the entertainment. "Barbie was afraid to come after the last tournament. She was a human dodge ball bounced between the boys but after the mental images faded she was up for another round. Smith took an immediate liking to her and she was able to pleasure him to fullfillment. Then we double teamed her and he got jealous and left. What about poker? WHAT ABOUT POKER! I thought I was on a roll, I lost my shirt last night. Luckily MGD sponsored the event or I would have been financially ruined. Oh, the Leafs are shit too...I hate them...they just make me mad every year...year after year. The Penguins, now that is a storied franchise. How did they get the best four players in the game for the past twenty years? We get Matt Sundin and who...name another superstar...I dare you. Gilmour? 1993...say no more. I'm leaving...don't touch me. Why do I have an orange paddle stuck to my head? Ask Smith...he was touching Barbies Boobies...not me!"
Stewie “The Dominator” MacDoogan was on full tilt after a press release hit the airwaves during the past week. After being donkey punched (verbally) by Ronny Gold, MacDoogan said he wanted to release the wraith of the mighty shovel on his ass. What that metaphor means is anyone's guess as we interviewed MacDoogan after he'd consumed a case of MGD. "I might bring a shovel next week...nah, I'll just continue to press Gold's string of Smith Collapses - he's now battling for the biggest donkey award with the Juice. Thank God I came back with some big hands after setting a new personal record for the fastest all in YI YI YI YIEEEEEEEEE in MNPL history. It had to be under five minutes and I pooched my gooch to the Gooch. I lost my entire chip stack on the first hand for the first time ever. It will never happen again...even if it does I'll still come back and win."
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold released this statement to the media this past week after Twittering for the first time on his Blackberry device while driving, smoking a cigarette and drinking a sweet, wonderful Tim Horton's coffee and navigating to the nearest adult video on his GPS. "Stewie...your constant swipes at my GPS leads me to think that either you are too technologically inept to operate such a device, or, years of drunken, farm-loving shovel handling has left you with the mental inability to operate such a device. Let us know which one it is tonight." Oh, bitch slap baby and balls across the chin.
Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio was the host of the tourny last night and provided both the booze and the entertainment. "Barbie was afraid to come after the last tournament. She was a human dodge ball bounced between the boys but after the mental images faded she was up for another round. Smith took an immediate liking to her and she was able to pleasure him to fullfillment. Then we double teamed her and he got jealous and left. What about poker? WHAT ABOUT POKER! I thought I was on a roll, I lost my shirt last night. Luckily MGD sponsored the event or I would have been financially ruined. Oh, the Leafs are shit too...I hate them...they just make me mad every year...year after year. The Penguins, now that is a storied franchise. How did they get the best four players in the game for the past twenty years? We get Matt Sundin and who...name another superstar...I dare you. Gilmour? 1993...say no more. I'm leaving...don't touch me. Why do I have an orange paddle stuck to my head? Ask Smith...he was touching Barbies Boobies...not me!"
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The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: This was sent in anonymously at 2 am after the event. Someone was obviously a little bitter. "Clint fucking Aaron over $500,000 (hopefully I didn't get a disease) Sent from a BlackBerry device. Oops, that may narrow down the list of suspects. Pocket aces crushed a pair of Queens. The greatest comeback in the history of MNPL saw Clint Oris come from down 800,000 to winning 700,000. It was an awesome display of the right hands at the right time.
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris recently tested negative to HIV and was granted a spot in the tournament albeit last minute. He had the single greatest comeback in poker history. In dramatic fashion he was down 800,000 and ended up taking down hand after hand to pull down 700,000 and second place. "I realize my potential now. I can do anything! If I can come back from that dire straight, I could be Prime Minister. I could be an astronaut. I could be a porn star." J'Marcus was last scene shagging a wild goat with rubber wellingtons on. He had jacked the poor beasts back feet into his rain boots and was standing beside a cliff so the animal would push back harder. "Have you ever seen an elephants cock? It's the laziest thing alive. It was so lazy, it just stood there until it's nose grew and it could just pick up food. Same goes for the cock, it's as long as it's trunk. A truly amazing animal and one of my favorites. I wonder how big a female elephant's vag is? Mmm."
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John “Agent” Smith is back to his losing ways. The slow plodding losing streak has him reading books again and seeking advice from Daniel Negrano. "I have pocket aces, everyone folds....FACK! I have a pair of sevens, I bet hard...everyone folds and then a full house develops. I guess they have a read on me now...I'll have to wear some disguises or something. Taking down the juice with trip tens was my only good hand...oh, and winning with pocket jacks. I actually have a system now but it's not working. I have to go back to the drawing board. What? Oh...that. Yeah, after my penis was "chernobyled" a few weeks ago I'm back to normal. No more blood in the urine and the hair will grow back eventually. I can't report my actual winnings or losings in the blog, my wife might see."
The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: This was sent in anonymously at 2 am after the event. Someone was obviously a little bitter. "Clint fucking Aaron over $500,000 (hopefully I didn't get a disease) Sent from a BlackBerry device. Oops, that may narrow down the list of suspects. Pocket aces crushed a pair of Queens. The greatest comeback in the history of MNPL saw Clint Oris come from down 800,000 to winning 700,000. It was an awesome display of the right hands at the right time.
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris recently tested negative to HIV and was granted a spot in the tournament albeit last minute. He had the single greatest comeback in poker history. In dramatic fashion he was down 800,000 and ended up taking down hand after hand to pull down 700,000 and second place. "I realize my potential now. I can do anything! If I can come back from that dire straight, I could be Prime Minister. I could be an astronaut. I could be a porn star." J'Marcus was last scene shagging a wild goat with rubber wellingtons on. He had jacked the poor beasts back feet into his rain boots and was standing beside a cliff so the animal would push back harder. "Have you ever seen an elephants cock? It's the laziest thing alive. It was so lazy, it just stood there until it's nose grew and it could just pick up food. Same goes for the cock, it's as long as it's trunk. A truly amazing animal and one of my favorites. I wonder how big a female elephant's vag is? Mmm."
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John “Agent” Smith is back to his losing ways. The slow plodding losing streak has him reading books again and seeking advice from Daniel Negrano. "I have pocket aces, everyone folds....FACK! I have a pair of sevens, I bet hard...everyone folds and then a full house develops. I guess they have a read on me now...I'll have to wear some disguises or something. Taking down the juice with trip tens was my only good hand...oh, and winning with pocket jacks. I actually have a system now but it's not working. I have to go back to the drawing board. What? Oh...that. Yeah, after my penis was "chernobyled" a few weeks ago I'm back to normal. No more blood in the urine and the hair will grow back eventually. I can't report my actual winnings or losings in the blog, my wife might see."
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is still slumping. Instead of an interview, he simply emailed me a list of books the Little Juice Box is now reading at sleepy time: The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, The Road to Serfdom, Economics in One Lesson, Human Action, Atlas Shrugged, and Democracy in America, as well as titles from Lew Rockwell, Murray Rothbard, and Hans Sennholz. We have received several phone calls at the station and they appear to be from a baby babbling and crying. We had a baby whisperer in the studio to translate. The baby appears to be saying, "Help. Save me! SOS! WTF do I have to do to get some ME time! She's always here...always holding me. Damn you...help me." We aren't sure who sent this message or what it really means but the number we traced the call back to was the Juice's house. A further investigation into this crank call will be discussed next week.
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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser rolled with the punches again this week. "My part time job as a pool boy pays big dividends. I hammered three desperate housewives this week and one was a squirter. She seemed all embarassed at first but then we pulled out the rubber sheets and went to town. No it's not pee, she wouldn't pee all over me...it's the big O...you know, the Giant O!" There is no real consensus on the female ejaculant but you can believe what you will. How this relates to poker is anyone's guess.
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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: Juice - A Texas Hold'em poker hand, when holding a jack and a duce, J-2. This is called juice.
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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser rolled with the punches again this week. "My part time job as a pool boy pays big dividends. I hammered three desperate housewives this week and one was a squirter. She seemed all embarassed at first but then we pulled out the rubber sheets and went to town. No it's not pee, she wouldn't pee all over me...it's the big O...you know, the Giant O!" There is no real consensus on the female ejaculant but you can believe what you will. How this relates to poker is anyone's guess.
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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: Juice - A Texas Hold'em poker hand, when holding a jack and a duce, J-2. This is called juice.
"Oh you have pocket aces? I umm....have the juice."
"heh....I have the Brunson (Poker Noob)
"Oh yeah? ....I got the juice!"
This week:
Aaron : -$20
Eugene : -$40
Al: -$20
Brandon: -$20
Tal: -$30
Clint: $70
Stew: $70
Ronen: -$30
This week:
Aaron : -$20
Eugene : -$40
Al: -$20
Brandon: -$20
Tal: -$30
Clint: $70
Stew: $70
Ronen: -$30
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