Toronto, Canada – Commissioner Kline of the MNPL was in New York visiting with other senior executives discussing the future of poker tournaments and they have said that playing a game of poker on the moon is not beyond their reach. "You have to dream big...or what's the point?" Said Kline from his video conference.
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Stewie “Kicking Our Asses” MacDoogan not only punished this weeks competitors he also won Donkey of the Night award for re-raising on a bluff of epic proportions...going head to head against nicely placed pair of hooks and hitting a straight on the river. "I didn't even want to take the chips after that call. I think I kicked out my back legs and hee hawed after the river card. I'd have reached over and choked me to death if I had of lost to this hand. It helped me win the grand price of $900,000 though. Damn it all, my new motto is, just be honest with my cards and yell it out before each hand. It psychologically damages the hand. It's a Phil Helmuth move...Gaudio gets it. The most amazing thing about me? Good question. It's my math skills. I can tell you how much you have in a stack of chips at a hundred paces and can count up the final tally faster than a bobcat on a baby. Yes, I did read that email again. I do realize that Gaudio does in fact have fourteen children as indicated. I have no further comment."
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Ronny “The Gooch” Gold continues his streak of Smith Collapses and ironically on this night, Smith too had a complete Smith Collapse. "I had to pick out appliances today and was wondering if I had made the correction decisions...I was poking and prodding my fellow players for information on what good prices are, what a good make is when this disgusting, foul mouthed fuck tongue Smith starts talking about which hand to shake at an Indian restaurant or something. Why the hell would someone wipe their own ass with their hand? I'm sorry, but I would offend a lot of these medieval dudes cause I'm a righty...even when pulling the pud. How could I go my whole life, wiping with my left and eating with my right. I actually Googled this when I got home and can't believe it's actually true. They think it's cleaner than using toilet paper. Let me tell you something you stinky ass curry munchers...it's not. I'm bringing a bar of soap next week and I'm going to wash out some stank mouths. Why does Smith keep fondling Gaudio? What is happening to this league? I demand answers!" I'm not sure at what point the comment about HIV occured but even this blog has some limits. Even humor could be brought to a hate crimes tribunal somewhere. We are still the worlds number one most disgusting, polittically incorrect poker table.
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Boris "B.I.G." Gaudio took down second place with a purse of $200,00. "In a wierd way I'm kind of glad that I'm winning but I miss the angry hate fu*&'s I received upon returning home in debt every Monday night. I used to get punched in the face, cursed at and tied up by a curling rod cord. Now? Now I take home some bacon and it's lights out." Wow...TMI dude...T.M.I! Like the new nickname but keep it on the downlow. Wives do not like to be talked about. We heard recently that John Smith was seen stealing children's toys from your front lawn the day they were to be picked up by a charity. Can you confirm this. "Yep, it's true. The guy has no moral fibre. He's lost his moral compass. It's almost as bad as stealing your neighbors empties on garbage day and hoarding them in you garage for a big pay day. No, Smith doesn't do that but we all know someone who does...where is he these days anyway? Did he retire?
.The Diet Pepsi Hand of the Week: There were several marvelous hands to speak of. One was the Ace of Hearts flush draw reraise all in by Gaudio that saw Oris fold the nuts, it tripled the Gooch's chip count who called all in with only $45,000 to bet with and saw a Smith Dent committed as John Smith called Gaudio's all in but had him covered. With a nine and ten of hearts chasing the infamous straight flush with the seven of hearts and the jack on board, which, as anyone who has played poker before, is not worth risking most of your chip stack to chase Smith went for it and paid the Piper. The second marvelous hand was the Royal Flush which saw Oris take down a sizable chunk of change. Players at the table were taking pictures and salivating at this rare and unusual hand. Smith said he actually "finished" when he saw that hand.
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Clint "J'Marcus" Oris returned recently from Myrtle Beach and after the interview he was on his way to check himself into an HIV clinic to get his his strawberry banana hammer hosed and bulldozed. "I will cut off my cock if I have to. What do you mean it's not like Cancer where they can remove a Tumor? Are you fucking kidding me? There's no real cure just a cocktail of drugs to keep people living longer. Mmm...are they like, fun drugs that I could take at a party?"
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It all started out at a club called Crazy Hoes which was voted the No. 1 club chain in the country by Exotic Dancer Magazine, a publication with as much integrity as basket full of dark skinned banana jammers. It's best known for having a variety of exotic women from all sorts of exotic locales like Brazil. They have a herd of 80-100 strippers every night for your viewing pleasure, as well as VIP and Presidential rooms. They also have three bars and "full-service rooms". His group then continued on to Derriere's Gentlemen's Club, which happens to be the only fully nude club in the Myrtle Beach area. It's BYOB. If you're some kind of right-wing religious nut, please do not continue reading.
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After paying for and receiving a Brazilian wax and a Shiatsu rub with no tug with the DJ watching, Mr. Oris did the unthinkable. "I couldn't help it. I was so turned on and in a lot of pain. I had NO IDEA what a Brazilan wax was...dude, that ain't right! Then this dude who looked like a lady offered me three grand to jablow him. That cover the interest I owe to the Juice plus a bit extra. So...I did what anyone who wouldn't want his legs broken would do. I pocketed the cash and he slipped his love knot into my gag chamber. He dropped a bomb while he was in there too. I paid for my trip too and got to squeeze two very real looking boobies in the process. Please don't tell my mother."
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John “Agent” Smith was back to his Smith Collapse. With half an hour to go he bluffed into trip nines with a pair of fours and was sent packing by Macdoogan. We heard that he was in for a heart procedure the week before and we were able to interview one of the nurses who was in the ICU ward that day. Inversely she has resigned from all further duties as of October 8th. Nurse Ellen, can you tell us a bit about the procedure and how it went for Mr. Smith, was he a good patient? "Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. That filthy bag of salt has ruined me. He's a big pussy fart! He complains so loudly about a catheter that we didn't put one in. Then after the operation, he gets rolled into my ward all messed up on pain killers and what not and couldn't piss. The barbarian didn't even shave before the surgery. You would think, a grown man of almost forty years would think twice about using a condom catheter and not shaving his fruit bowl. I have never seen such a mess. We had to give him Oxy cottons just to cut out the pubic hedge that was stuck in the glue of the condom. It was awful, he kept screaming and then right in the middle of the ordeal, he goes wooden. Imagine? What kind of a sick bastard takes pleasure in all that pain. I could be his mother. (she didn't see the irony in that comment at all -oh yes I did!)
John “Agent” Smith was back to his Smith Collapse. With half an hour to go he bluffed into trip nines with a pair of fours and was sent packing by Macdoogan. We heard that he was in for a heart procedure the week before and we were able to interview one of the nurses who was in the ICU ward that day. Inversely she has resigned from all further duties as of October 8th. Nurse Ellen, can you tell us a bit about the procedure and how it went for Mr. Smith, was he a good patient? "Holy Jesus Mary and Joseph. That filthy bag of salt has ruined me. He's a big pussy fart! He complains so loudly about a catheter that we didn't put one in. Then after the operation, he gets rolled into my ward all messed up on pain killers and what not and couldn't piss. The barbarian didn't even shave before the surgery. You would think, a grown man of almost forty years would think twice about using a condom catheter and not shaving his fruit bowl. I have never seen such a mess. We had to give him Oxy cottons just to cut out the pubic hedge that was stuck in the glue of the condom. It was awful, he kept screaming and then right in the middle of the ordeal, he goes wooden. Imagine? What kind of a sick bastard takes pleasure in all that pain. I could be his mother. (she didn't see the irony in that comment at all -oh yes I did!)
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All that pain and this insufferable goat shagger gets his disco stick in ready mode. He couldn't pee for an hour, he's sweating because his own body is poisoning him, he's just had his balls sheared and waxed, his chest must feel like three fat women are sitting on him and he's able to get a donkey kong sized erection. (She didn't get the irony this one either.) \
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A one legged mule in a cunt factory couldn't have been more alert. This spider monkey let's out a Macedonian War Cry when I tore off his pubis pelt. I called it that because I still have the condom...it looks like three dead spiders ate a snake." Okay...I can see why you quit your job. "There was three of us working on this issue. Then, I jammed the real catheter in and he begins to yodel like a Swiss school girl high on meth. He filled the bag in three minutes. It took longer to get the condom off and more technical skill than three surgeons to fix him up. I quit my job right after...it's just not worth it anymore. It's a sick sick world out there full of sick men." With that, nurse Ellen proceeded to jump out the ten story window screaming the words, "I can't un-see thaaaaaaaaaaaaat!" as she fell.
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Tal "The Juice" Mastrovich is still slumping. Not so bad this week, I'm reigning it in like Santa in a room full of nude women with reindeer hats on. Okay, it's still Halloween first...I know the order. I was more disapointed that the Little Juice Box couldn't pick the spread. It was a tough night long before I arrived. I'm still slumping though and something has got to give. I have noticed the connection between Smith quitting drinking and becoming my designated driver and my poker game deteriorating. I also miss the table talk Kline and I get away with each week, he wasn't there to massage my decisions. Let's just say I'll have the donkey award wrapped up by Christmas."
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Randy "The Pivot Master" Wasser was donkeyed by Macdoogan and has listed him at in the number one position of his "Will Kill" list. "I bumped Perez Hilton to number two, shoved the glamtastic American Idol HOMO Adam Lambert to number three and had to let go of my number nine and number ten. You guessed it, Carrot Top and Oprah Winfrey. Why Oprah? You can't buy thin with all the money in the world? WTF? ." Wasser was able to go up and down again but left with a respectable loss as he clearly had the nuts when he made his all in call. "I'll pick it up again next week. I would like it to be noted that this is the first time there was a strippers pole in the middle of the table and that the throne and poker shaved smooth table will be making more appearances in up coming events. Smith has requested the throne be brought to each tournament. I think Smith was asleep when he called all in by accident. No one would call an all in with a pair of fours and still be conscious would they? Yes...carbonated water is the trend."
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GIVING YOU THE NUTS: Some ‘Seriously Avanced’ Sit & Go Tactics
Well, the other day I was playing a fairly small, single table, NL tournament. In the early stages everybody had some 1500 in chips, as did I, and the blinds were 20/40. I picked up pocket Aces in middle position so I open-raised to 100, 2,5 times the big blind. All players folded to the big blind, who called to see a flop of A92 rainbow. A perfect flop, I held the nuts with trip Aces and with no straight- or flushdraw out there there, if he held any part of that board, he was destined to lose a considerable amount of chips to me.
The villain checked out of position and I made a small bet of 100 chips into a 220 pot. He raised to 520, making the pot 840 and leaving him with just under 900 in chips. By now it was obvious he has a good Ace or maybe even smaller trips, and I figured I could play this hand for all his chips. So I min-raised him to 940, knowing he would be left with some 500 chips which he would have to move to the middle within the foreseeable future. He did just that by moving all-in, I called, he showed AK and the turn- and rivercard, a Q and a T, left me with a doubled-up stack. Had I moved all-in after his re-raise I would have given him a chance to demonstrate a great laydown, hence the minimum raise for which I knew I was going to get him to call.
This is actually one of the very few times I would get all of my chips in pre-flop in such early stages!
Continue Reading »
Well, the other day I was playing a fairly small, single table, NL tournament. In the early stages everybody had some 1500 in chips, as did I, and the blinds were 20/40. I picked up pocket Aces in middle position so I open-raised to 100, 2,5 times the big blind. All players folded to the big blind, who called to see a flop of A92 rainbow. A perfect flop, I held the nuts with trip Aces and with no straight- or flushdraw out there there, if he held any part of that board, he was destined to lose a considerable amount of chips to me.
The villain checked out of position and I made a small bet of 100 chips into a 220 pot. He raised to 520, making the pot 840 and leaving him with just under 900 in chips. By now it was obvious he has a good Ace or maybe even smaller trips, and I figured I could play this hand for all his chips. So I min-raised him to 940, knowing he would be left with some 500 chips which he would have to move to the middle within the foreseeable future. He did just that by moving all-in, I called, he showed AK and the turn- and rivercard, a Q and a T, left me with a doubled-up stack. Had I moved all-in after his re-raise I would have given him a chance to demonstrate a great laydown, hence the minimum raise for which I knew I was going to get him to call.
This is actually one of the very few times I would get all of my chips in pre-flop in such early stages!
Continue Reading »
Guess the GOOCH!
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of, "Where is my Taint REALLY?"Sponsored by Tea House Cookies, Doritos and Pizza Pizza.
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