Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio With Both Barrels Blazing Buries the Competition at the BGPT® Classic
Sneaking under the radar for a sixth consecutive week was John “Cum-back-kid” Smith. The highlight of the night was when he knocked out Joseph “The Calculator Kline”. “It was my second take down of the Poker Jedi Master in all of my tournament play. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobe when he cut off Darth Vader’s’ arms and legs...and left him for dead. I hope that hand makes the hand of the night...it was amazing. Everyone was poised for a Smith Collapse and bingo...I hit the full house. I am starting to feel like I’m in the zone. I start off poorly, confuse everyone with terrible poker play, then lose $20,000 and come back from there to win $30,000. I’ve never felt so good. I bought a new house and I’m upgrading the hell out of it with all this new influx of cashish...it’s like raining money on Monday nights for me. I’m not sure how long the winning streak will last but it sure feels good taking out a Kline! What few people know is that during the smoke breaks, I like to play a little basketball. I invited Ronny ”Retirement” Gold to play and owned him. I was throwing underhand lobs like a retarded spider monkey and beat him three straight games. It was an awesome night all around.”
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There is a new kid on MNPL® block! With his Wayfarers and Hawaiian t-shirts, Gaudio has the look of one of the uncool cops from that, “once upon a time wicked show”, Miami Vice. After weeks of poor play and a refinanced mortgage, Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio blazes a trail to victory and buries the competition. Right from the “getgo” he started an aggressive style of play rarely seen at 8:00 PM before the Crown Royal starts flowing. The aggressive play lead to more take downs than a weekend of Dirty Harry movies. “I really felt like I had learned some valuable lessons in the past few months. Refinancing a mortgage with fourteen children isn’t exactly the future I had in mind. I did some travelling and worked in a few different occupations. Sponging splooge from the floor of an adult film set was the final straw. Being a part-time fluffer has its perks and the usual ups and downs of any regular job but it got to be too much! I worked the Houston 500...I had carpal tunnel and had my tonsils removed after it was over. I watched one spritely fellow pull out, remove his condom and finish with in amateurish scene outside the sanctioned area between the top of Houstons’ enhanced 36 DD breasts and her belly button. I’ve never seen seven hundred pound security gaurds move so fast. He went for the facial and got manhandled out of the "Gangbanger" entrance of the Canoga Park soundstage. I promptly handed her a towel and soon witnessed a new world record. That truly amazing and I really have to take my hat off to fluffers around the world. Give me back my pocket aces though...the party is over bitch! I am back!”
Sneaking under the radar for a sixth consecutive week was John “Cum-back-kid” Smith. The highlight of the night was when he knocked out Joseph “The Calculator Kline”. “It was my second take down of the Poker Jedi Master in all of my tournament play. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobe when he cut off Darth Vader’s’ arms and legs...and left him for dead. I hope that hand makes the hand of the night...it was amazing. Everyone was poised for a Smith Collapse and bingo...I hit the full house. I am starting to feel like I’m in the zone. I start off poorly, confuse everyone with terrible poker play, then lose $20,000 and come back from there to win $30,000. I’ve never felt so good. I bought a new house and I’m upgrading the hell out of it with all this new influx of cashish...it’s like raining money on Monday nights for me. I’m not sure how long the winning streak will last but it sure feels good taking out a Kline! What few people know is that during the smoke breaks, I like to play a little basketball. I invited Ronny ”Retirement” Gold to play and owned him. I was throwing underhand lobs like a retarded spider monkey and beat him three straight games. It was an awesome night all around.”
Tal 'The Juice' Mastrovich was outgunned in the tournament and was knocked out but still managed to claw back some of his losses leaving with a $10,000 debt. I think I’ve won enough to retire on, this is just fun money for me now. I am taking evening courses in Pharmacy to get my license. Simply put, I just love drugs. I love touching them, handling them, counting them and most of all, I love the camaraderie I will have with my customers. I’ll know every sordid little drug they take. I’ll know if they are having anal leakage problems, I’ll know if their heart is about to burst from their chests. A pharmacisto is more of a priest of sorts. I know everyone’s sins...I can look them in the eye and know deep down...they are ashamed and that makes me feel good. I especially like the idea of being the Pill Nazi, like the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. Oh, you want me to hurry up and fill your prescription? That’s a 25 minute penalty! No drugs for you! Yeah, I really like the idea. Even if I can’t take a piss or smoke for twelve hours straight, can’t take holidays and have to stand all day long dealing with geriatrics and addicts. Pills are so clean and neat...they are the most incredible little things...” The Juice was lost in thought and continued on and on about this new found love of drug dealing so we had to cut it short as I don’t have enough room in this column to blether about this shite.
Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold on a sad note is now considering retirement. A usual morass of inscrutable optimism he is "looking forward to the future" and believes, "you've got to be born ready in this life." At one point during the night he was quoted as saying, “I never won a single hand! I felt like a giant Ram with horns like barbells smashed me in the nuts and tore off my ball sac. It was a gut wrenching feeling losing $40,000. Horrible. I just don’t know how much longer I can continue this lifestyle. I own my own business and fire people all the time to pay for my poker habit...when I win, I hire them back. What? I have to pay them severance if I lay them off? No I don’t.”
The Crown Royal Hand of the Night: A full house consisting of 7’s and 9’s takes down a clear leading top pair of Jacks and 9’s. A tense moment of silence hung in the air as Joseph the Calculator Kline simply stood up. Placed his money on the table and left the room. “It was awkward. I felt a bit sick to my stomach. I wanted to hug the poor guy. He looked so deflated.” Said the Juice after the tournament. “I know he’s my soul mate and all but damn...that was a Twilight Zone moment. I think it’s partly because I dealt two cards at the end by accident before he called. Smith had already called his all in so it could only have helped him. Maybe I’ll buy him some chocolate and by him something frilly to cheer him up.” Said the Juice.
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was unable to make it to the tournament because after posting bail, Dog The Bounty Hunter was called in to bring him to justice. I read You Can Run But You Can't Hide, so why would Bookseller even think of jumping bail. He is allegedly charged with fraud and is currently in jail pending his upcoming trial. He was caught by undercover OLG investigators, according to my sources who have access to OLG documents, investigators are looking into allegations of insider scratch ticket wins routinely checked for "pin-pricking," where a card is scratched very lightly to see if it contains a winning code. The “G-Master” refused comment.
Stewie “The Slimer” MacDoogan was a last minute scratch from the tournament and was deemed, “mentally unavailable”. The last time this happened was in 1995 when baseball hall of famer Rickey Henderson of the Oakland Athletics was benched by manager, Tony La Russa, who stated publicly that the outfielder was “mentally unavailable.”
Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris was a no-show and rumour has it he was kidnapped in a white cube van by three morbidly obese masked gunman who apparently were collecting money owed to them. We weren’t able to locate Oris for confirmation of this as he is still deemed missing.
League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline was happy to see players following the MNPL® rules this week after several players were fined heavily. Kline didn’t comment on his ejection from the tournament by a river full house but was in a seemingly good mood. He had this to say, ”I just hope that I can be productive at work this week as I'll be dreaming about the Lazy River that John Smith is building around his house that will come with two-man rafts.” We have no idea what this means but Kline winked and smiled as he seemed to be rehashing old memories.
Article by Julius Goat
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, Poker – Just Believe Your Own Lies
Sponsored by Gamblers Anonymous who are “Always looking for new members!”
Also co-sponsored by Tiger Bone Steel (The X-rated golfer who was a member of the famed Houston 500 Gang Bang) and Crown Royal
Also co-sponsored by Tiger Bone Steel (The X-rated golfer who was a member of the famed Houston 500 Gang Bang) and Crown Royal
An article on the Houston 500:
“The more I get to know and like her, the more heatedly and earnestly I pursue a "why" beyond her stock answer: "I'm just riding the wave." I search for tribal analogies, ritual evidence, primate precedents, biological imperatives. I cold-call cultural anthropologists and sex experts to help me make sense of "Gangbang III." I find that the wooly spider monkeys of South America are gangbangers of sorts, with males lining up patiently to mate an estrous female. At the Dionysian orgies of the Hellenistic era, ecstasy was a way to prepare oneself for enthusiasm, infusion by God. And the Menihaku of the Amazon would gang-rape any woman who trespassed in the men's lodge. (The last reported occurrence of this was in 1944.)” Read more http://dir.salon.com/health/sex/urge/1999/08/31/houston/index2.html
“The more I get to know and like her, the more heatedly and earnestly I pursue a "why" beyond her stock answer: "I'm just riding the wave." I search for tribal analogies, ritual evidence, primate precedents, biological imperatives. I cold-call cultural anthropologists and sex experts to help me make sense of "Gangbang III." I find that the wooly spider monkeys of South America are gangbangers of sorts, with males lining up patiently to mate an estrous female. At the Dionysian orgies of the Hellenistic era, ecstasy was a way to prepare oneself for enthusiasm, infusion by God. And the Menihaku of the Amazon would gang-rape any woman who trespassed in the men's lodge. (The last reported occurrence of this was in 1944.)” Read more http://dir.salon.com/health/sex/urge/1999/08/31/houston/index2.html
Index of terms
A Fluffer is a hired member of the crew of a pornographic movie whose role on the set is to sexually arouse the male participants prior to the filming of the scene.
Tiger Bonesteel – a single member of the Houston 500 club that really had what it takes to set a world gang bang record.
A Fluffer is a hired member of the crew of a pornographic movie whose role on the set is to sexually arouse the male participants prior to the filming of the scene.
Tiger Bonesteel – a single member of the Houston 500 club that really had what it takes to set a world gang bang record.
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