“The Juice” Two-Peats While MacDoogan Tanks at the TAMPT® Classic
http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online
Poker players beware, Tal 'The Juice' Mastrovich is on a roll. Two straight victories sees him second on the money list for 2009. The Juice has also picked up several sweet sponsorship deals from Wonder Bread and Diet Coke who traditionally haven’t even used the Poker tour for advertising due to the possible ill effects of gambling. When interviewed, Wonder Bread spokesperson, Eddie Prickmanlick, stated that they liked the Juices “Friar Tuck”1 look which had a boyish charm straight from a Robin Hood movie.
We asked Mastrovich about his play as of late and he stated, “I’ve been on a bit of a ball-tearer as of late and I’m confident the streak will continue. It reminds me of the time my father in law and I fed Exlax to his goat Billy after he ate too many figs. We thought ole Billy was an indestructible tin-can-eater like the ones we used to watch on Saturday morning cartoons. Eating is the primary interest in any goat's life, mine too for that matter, so when he got sick we knew we had to act quickly. Unfortunately ole’ Billy had diarrhoea all day long so bad it made him bleed, then he blew out his colon while his head blew off like it was shot out of a cannon. It broke my neighbours car window across the street. Thank god we didn’t give him a higher dose. What was that? Yeah, I’ve had a few drinks...it’s in celebration of my victory...hey, where you going? Oooh...cramp...must have been the soggy Zaaa, or maybe it was the floaters in the bottled water from Walkerton...oh, it could have been the tainted Caesars’ that had Tarantula cum floating at the top...bathroom...just get to...the...toilet.”
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller is a fighter. He battled back from a $20,000 deficit and completed something that the poker world hasn’t seen in a long time, a triple “Smith Collapse” take-down which will aptly be named a “Billy Goat’s Gruff” going forward because we have never seen anything like it before. The G-Master’s been losing weight which has been a huge plus as he’s cut out alcohol during all tournaments. “He drinks more water in a day than a pregnant elephant whose just run seventeen miles to escape a pack of jackals.” Said the Juice when asked. “All that cabbage soup can make a man go crazy. I like being fat. I like jokes thrown at me like, why aren’t you on the Bernstein Diet Smith. Some heckler fck in the background yells, “Because he ate him.” Now that kind of comedy doesn’t come around too often. A classic. I’d rather laugh and be fat than be a skinny dried up piece of cardboard like Bookseller.” Stated Smith immediately after the tournament.
Stewie “The Slimer” MacDoogan (aka Japanese Flag, AKA King Bullshit aka Billy Goat) was the victim in yet another catastrophic collapse that ended in a set of car keys being thrown across the table to his brand new Mustang GT. He was distraught after being ejected from play for a third straight tournament. “I lost my baby! How lucky can one guy get. I had pocket sixes! He shouldn’t have called with an Ace and a pitiful kicker. I just wanted to take down the pot. What the hell was I drinking anyway? Banana shots and Ponche Caribe Pistachio Liqueur. WTF? I pooed neon Tuesday morning. This is war. Heads up Goat ...heads up. Look out for a lock-bump buddy...Google it...then hide your children!” Then he headed outside the casino to call his girlfriend to pick him up.
Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold had this to say. “It was a better week for me. I held strong but still got mushroom slapped by Mr. Smith near the end of the tourney. I have no idea what he had and I think he actually bluffed me with two giant blue conk shell chips. He probably did...no...he HAD to have something to bet that strong! At least this week poker didn’t cut into my hooker and blow allowance. I was really pissed off when I saw a bumper sticker with a picture of Osama bin laden with a I love New York beside it. Now that gets on my tits!” Mr. Gold is currently working on a new book that will be released in the fall. “Linguistics and Language for Dumys.”
John “The Invisible Man” Smith was unavailable for comment. Rumour has it he did bus stop flop after massive alcohol consumption during tournament play. He has won money in the past five tournaments. An accomplishment to say the least in his roller coaster ride of a career. He slept over at the Juice’s house and apparently complained of “ring-sting” the next morning which was probably due to mixing crown, carrots, pizza and Pistachio liqueur. There is an over under bet through a Vegas line on Smith having been taken down like a wounded buck by his Italian Stallion wife who makes the Wicked Witch of the West look like Mary Poppins. It would be a mercy killing of course as he provokes that reaction from her. It’s not her fault that she can sail a gallon of green puke across a crowded room and spin her head 360 degrees.
The Crown Royal Hand of the night: Pocket sixes dominated for a third tragic week in a row. “The look of disbelief and confusion mixed with rage on Macdoogan’s face was priceless. I’ve seen less confused deer smeared across the windshield of an eighteen wheeler. He looked Katherine Harris crazy.” Said the G-Master.
Boris “Figlio di Cazzo” Gaudio and Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris were not able to attend for the second straight week. They could be building up capital for the next tournament as Boris was in Australia boxing kangaroos and working part time as a gum-buster while Mr. Clint Oris was in St. Maeerten working as a Lifeguard at a Orient Beach which happens to be a nude beach. "Shark! Shark! ... Hey... wait a minute ... sorry folks, it’s not a shark. Back to the water...back to...the water."
League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline was surprised by the lack of commitment by players to follow the MNPL® rules this week. Each player at the tournament will receive a $10,000 fine for not competing in a gentlemanly manner. “When players fail to show their cards on an all-in call head to head...you just have to shake your head and wonder if they are just trying to gain media attention or do they lack respect for the game? If players fail to follow tournament rules in the future they will be ejected from tournaments without question.” When asked about his own play this week he simply stated, “The players have too much respect for me now, I can’t seem to win. They fold like lawn chairs every time I bet anything over $20,000. Smith folded like a lead balloon when I re-raised him. I actually had nothing...don’t print that please. Next year I’m going to skip the TAMPT Classic. It was so cold I had a nipple vasospasm. I could’ve cut diamonds with those puppies.”
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist
Author of Poker – The Benefits of Drinking Alcohol During Match Play
Sponsored by The American Meat Goat Association – for membership go to the following linke
http://www.meatgoats.com/membershipform/1orderpage.php
ASSOCIATE MEMBERs pay only $30.00 Per Year and receive a SUBSCRIPTION TO GOAT RANCHER MAGAZINE and can participate in all PARTICIPATE IN ALL AMGA ACTIVITIES
Also co-sponsored by Al Smith Inc, Hue Hefner and Crown Royal
INDEX OF TERMS
Billy Goats Gruff
1) Traditional fairy tale of three Billy goats and a troll under a bridge.
2) English rhyming slang for muff aka pussy, female genital region. When someone, usually a female, gets their pubic hair cut into the shape of a farm animal. Preferably a goat. “Alex told me his ex-girlfriend Laura got a Billy goats gruff yesterday.”
What is vasospasm?
1) Vasospasm occurs when blood vessels constrict (or tighten). Vasospasm may occur in any blood vessels in the body such as in the heart, brain or eyes. The fingers are most commonly affected. Some people notice that the ends of their fingers turn white in cold situations; also known as Raynaud's phenomenon, where fingers have a tendency to turn white in cold weather. Less commonly, blood vessels in the nipples are affected, causing pain during, immediately after, or between breastfeeds.
Japanese Flag
1) When one has consumed a particularly dodgy curry or food dish, the results of which are for one to have a severely inflamed sphincter Sore bottom. I've a hole like the Japanese flag after that curry!!"
2) When you have sex with a woman on her period and you’re left with blood on the end of your penis. Then using a clean piece of toilet paper press your penis bang in the middle of it leaving a red circle.
3) A bloody and used maxi pad. “I'm sick of seeing Japanese Flags in the trash can!”
Friar Tuck
1) A Friar Tuck is the result of a large man or woman sitting on a dirty toilet. The excess skin will encompass the toilet rim picking up hair or dirt. The resulting line of hair across the ass resembles the hairline of Friar Tuck. If Carl sits on that toilet she’ll have a friar tuck two inches thick.”
2) Strangely stark haircut with straight bangs like the famous friar in robin hood stories
G-Master
1) Goat Master – as in master of goats and all things goaty
2) One who has mastered the art of the G-spot. “Hey Bob, your wife Beth said you were a G-Master...wanna fck?”
3) A Gaming/Beast-porn site full of perverts with nothing better to do than wank. There's also some queer-looking people and some blackies there.
Gum buster
1) Through special steaming tools, they remove the gum stuck to sidewalks, street benches and elsewhere that you stuck there back in 1976.
2) A man who has the unique ability to shatter a woman’s front teeth with one thrust of his penis into her mouth hole. Usually hired by a husband looking to increase the pleasure from his wife during oral sxe.
Katherine Harris Crazy
1) Crazy person interested in bringing about the Apocalypse. Only slightly less dangerous than global warming,
No comments:
Post a Comment