“What The Hex Going On” at the TMPC®
http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online
Absolute bedlam! I can’t remember a more controversial ending to a tournament in the history of the MNPL®. League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline’s presence was sorely missed during as he was on holiday with the President at Camp David. There was $15,000 in chips missing from the coffers and with no way to pay out the winners who each took a $5000 pay cut in their earnings to ensure the budget was balanced. The onsite staff tried desperately to resolve the issue but now the League’ reputation and integrity is in jeopardy. After the tournament the situation quickly deteriorated into finger pointing and he said - she said.
Kline had this to say, “I am ashamed to say that I wasn’t in attendance. I have been in close contact with Angela Lansbury who has stated emphatically that she is just an actress and that Murder She Wrote is just a television show. We have also left messages with Inspector Clouseau and Sherlock Holmes. We are deeply sorry to announce the loss of Crown Royal as a sponsor because of this incident – SEE EMAIL CORRESPONDANCE BELOW. We are both disappointed and sorry to see them pull their contract but we hope that in the future we will gain their confidence back and create a stable environment to retrieve their marketing dollars. As for plans to move ahead with the investigation. I have set up an interrogation room next week and all players will receive a fine as well as the staff attending the event. We have fed the pit boss on site to a pool of alligators and the dealer has been left naked in the trunk of a car to starve to death. We feel the penalties reflect the need to not only punish those involved, but to deter any future incidents.”
Interview With the Stars
Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan was back in fine form finishing first after a losing streak matched only in catastrophic proportions by John “Dumb Drunk” Smith who coined the Smith Collapse after losing wads of cash time after time in the final minutes of play. MacDoogan was able to hoist up his kilt, pull himself together and battle his way to a slight yet satisfying victory Monday night. “My biggest fear was Eon. I have been in training for several weeks, I’ve been learning close quarter combat techniques, specifically throat punching skills in case I lost again. I heard Eon’s on some course to master the ancient art of bone crushing and is fading away faster than Patrick Swayze (ouch) so I thought I would learn some moves I saw on Rambo IV. If I lose again, I’m going Mutant-Ninja-Turtle on his ass!”
Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris was disgusted by the accusations at the end of the night and is considering a law suit. He was clearly agitated when asked about his involvement in the mystery that is bigger than JFK. “I feel there was two shooters. I honestly believe it. There is a conspiracy here bigger than Watergate. I’m going to call this Pokergate. If the league can’t protect us from ourselves, what’s the point? I’ll see you all in court!”
Article by Julius Goat
Sponsored by Mother’s Against Drunk Driving, Banana Liquor and No Longer sponsored by Crown Royal
http://mnpl-allin.blogspot.com/ - to view the blog online
Absolute bedlam! I can’t remember a more controversial ending to a tournament in the history of the MNPL®. League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline’s presence was sorely missed during as he was on holiday with the President at Camp David. There was $15,000 in chips missing from the coffers and with no way to pay out the winners who each took a $5000 pay cut in their earnings to ensure the budget was balanced. The onsite staff tried desperately to resolve the issue but now the League’ reputation and integrity is in jeopardy. After the tournament the situation quickly deteriorated into finger pointing and he said - she said.
Tal “The Juice” Mastrovich had this to say, “A contingency fund has to be setup to ensure this doesn’t happen again. I think there should be a prompt firing and a punch to the junk of the person responsible. I was the host...I can’t believe this happened on my home turf! I have been in contact with my lawyer, Lionel Hutz. He works out of the "I Can't Believe It's A Law Firm™" in the Springfield Shopping Mall. No, I haven’t heard anyone call him an ambulance chaser? Why? I’m just glad I didn’t have to fork over winnings. Yes I know I’m rich. I am still perturbed that Smith slow played the end of the tournament just to keep his streak alive.”
Reminiscent of the Scooby-Doo episode called What The Hex Going On? in which the gang stumble into yet another mystery while driving to a friends for the weekend to have fun. The problem is, there are no clues as to what actually went wrong. The incredible amount of calculations necessary to get to the root cause of the issue was beyond the mental capacity of the amateur bean counters on site. “We needed a human calculator plain and simple. If Kline was here he would have been able to figure this out. Now we have a complete mystery and yah, I’m a bit perturbed that I won the big show and had to settle for a $5000 loss on my earnings.” said Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan
The unsubstantiated evidence suggests either the initial count was incorrect when doling out the chips which would place blame on The Juice. He and Stewie could be in cahoots as they both were responsible for the count. Other possibilities include a transaction between Eon Bookseller and Clint Oris which might have lead to an inconsistent number of chips when Eon purchased $20,000 from Clint who initially miscounted the number of chips purchased. Another more plausible answer is that there was a thief in the tournament who managed to escape detection from the security cameras and the pit boss. Other suspects include the butler, Colonel Mustard and Mrs. Peacock. Detective John Holmes concluded that there was definitely one suspect, one weapon, and one room but declined to answer any other questions.
League Commissioner Joseph “The Calculator” Kline walked into our interview room flanked by his two right-hand-men – MNPL® Vice President of media relations Seymour Butts and his deputy commissioner Peter North. Kline is a blue-ribbon practitioner at the art of bullshit bingo and political doublespeak and no doubt it’s one of the reasons he maintains his role as commissioner. “Let’s sit down and do it,” Kline says, forgoing the podium as there was supposed to be a bigger media contingent in attendance. (I am alone in the room.) Kline unbuttons his jacket, sits cross-legged like a man who is emphasizing the, I-haven’t-got-a-care-in-the-world-except-this-conversation-we’re-about-to-have manner and flashed a well-practiced, conspiratorial smile, one that he has probably used as panty remover on many occasions.
Kline had this to say, “I am ashamed to say that I wasn’t in attendance. I have been in close contact with Angela Lansbury who has stated emphatically that she is just an actress and that Murder She Wrote is just a television show. We have also left messages with Inspector Clouseau and Sherlock Holmes. We are deeply sorry to announce the loss of Crown Royal as a sponsor because of this incident – SEE EMAIL CORRESPONDANCE BELOW. We are both disappointed and sorry to see them pull their contract but we hope that in the future we will gain their confidence back and create a stable environment to retrieve their marketing dollars. As for plans to move ahead with the investigation. I have set up an interrogation room next week and all players will receive a fine as well as the staff attending the event. We have fed the pit boss on site to a pool of alligators and the dealer has been left naked in the trunk of a car to starve to death. We feel the penalties reflect the need to not only punish those involved, but to deter any future incidents.”
Interview With the Stars
Stewie “King Bullshit” MacDoogan was back in fine form finishing first after a losing streak matched only in catastrophic proportions by John “Dumb Drunk” Smith who coined the Smith Collapse after losing wads of cash time after time in the final minutes of play. MacDoogan was able to hoist up his kilt, pull himself together and battle his way to a slight yet satisfying victory Monday night. “My biggest fear was Eon. I have been in training for several weeks, I’ve been learning close quarter combat techniques, specifically throat punching skills in case I lost again. I heard Eon’s on some course to master the ancient art of bone crushing and is fading away faster than Patrick Swayze (ouch) so I thought I would learn some moves I saw on Rambo IV. If I lose again, I’m going Mutant-Ninja-Turtle on his ass!”
MacDoogan was finally able to improve his play and adjust his style to the faster, looser MNPL® and kept his composure even through the late stages of the tournament. “It’s always good to see our stars get back into game shape, good for him”, said The Calculator.
John “Dumb Drunk” Smith put on a clinic on stoopid last night. After crushing one of the titanium welded floor vents with one of his kankles, he proceeded to destroy the hydraulics on the tournament industrial strength chair that was provided. We asked about his mutant mass and how it was accumulated but Smith couldn’t answer the question because he had accidentally swallowed a small child and was trying to pull the boy to safety. He then proceeded to blame his loveless marriage of convenience as taking a toll on his ability to concentrate on even the most simple of life’s tasks and it has caused his appetite to spiral out of control. “Strangely enough since I joined Weight Watchers my poker skills have been finely tuned. Maybe it’s all the small goats I’m dieting on. I hate the taste of fur though but a small goat is only 300 points. Because I am so disgustingly huge I am afforded 380 points a day. That’s about %700 more than the average morbidly obese male. I can’t deal the correct cards, I’m always asking whose bet it is but the actual big cards keep coming. I just have to keep the purple headed yogurt slinger happy. Ah, I also call him my tapioca pudding maker. Seven weeks and counting with this streak, I’ll take third place anytime and a $30,000 pot.”
John “Dumb Drunk” Smith put on a clinic on stoopid last night. After crushing one of the titanium welded floor vents with one of his kankles, he proceeded to destroy the hydraulics on the tournament industrial strength chair that was provided. We asked about his mutant mass and how it was accumulated but Smith couldn’t answer the question because he had accidentally swallowed a small child and was trying to pull the boy to safety. He then proceeded to blame his loveless marriage of convenience as taking a toll on his ability to concentrate on even the most simple of life’s tasks and it has caused his appetite to spiral out of control. “Strangely enough since I joined Weight Watchers my poker skills have been finely tuned. Maybe it’s all the small goats I’m dieting on. I hate the taste of fur though but a small goat is only 300 points. Because I am so disgustingly huge I am afforded 380 points a day. That’s about %700 more than the average morbidly obese male. I can’t deal the correct cards, I’m always asking whose bet it is but the actual big cards keep coming. I just have to keep the purple headed yogurt slinger happy. Ah, I also call him my tapioca pudding maker. Seven weeks and counting with this streak, I’ll take third place anytime and a $30,000 pot.”
Eon “The G-Master” Bookseller was back in full attack mode. After a free-styling run and gun back door trap on several opponents, Eon was a victim of more split pots than a gypsy caravan being attacked by Somalian butt pirates. WTF... “I was in a mood after hitting several big hands only to find out I had the exact hand I was up against. I called more all-ins than an orgy in Ibiza. I went head to head more times than thirteen homosexual Orang-utans at a Pride Parade. I have hit pocket aces and gone full tilt into a second pair of pocket aces. I’ve hit three kings, full houses and straights. I’m wondering about the bad Karma. I’ve decided to cut the heads off chickens the night before poker to avoid the mal occhio and I just bought turquoise braided Hamsa Bracelet.
Boris “Dirty Harry” Gaudio was frustrated by bad beads and his inability to cash in on some big hands including a full house. “I was twisted into a cock-knot after I lost that hand. I could have predicted a win and kept the giant stack I had accumulated. No one I hate to lose a big hand to more than Smith. He’s my nemesis as of late and I’ve lost the ability to read his mind. Maybe it’s those feminine sunglasses he wears.”
Clint “Jagger Bomb” Oris was disgusted by the accusations at the end of the night and is considering a law suit. He was clearly agitated when asked about his involvement in the mystery that is bigger than JFK. “I feel there was two shooters. I honestly believe it. There is a conspiracy here bigger than Watergate. I’m going to call this Pokergate. If the league can’t protect us from ourselves, what’s the point? I’ll see you all in court!”
Ronny “Welcome to America” Gold was unable to make the tournament and is questionable for the remainder of the season as he is rethinking his commitment to poker. We were unable to reach him for comment and assume he’s working on his poker skills to make a comeback.
The Crown Royal Hand of the night: The best hand we have seen at the MNPL® saw Clint “I Survived a Terrorist Attack” Oris waste a straight flush as he was short stacked with a total of six chips left in his hand. He called an all in without much fanfare and Boris Gaudio said he felt he had to call simply to knock out the desperate Oris. “This is probably the best hand I’ve ever had. I was coaxed into buying back in, but I probably would have folded after the flop had I been raised so I was quite happy with the outcome. Grinding back from a six chip deficit isn’t easy. I ended the night with a massive come back from $60,000 under to only pay out $15,000. I was a bit rusty but considering I am alive, losing a bit of my stack doesn’t hurt a bit. I’m still pissed about the name calling and slander!”
Article by Julius Goat
WSPN Sports Writer and Journalist whose also written a book called, Poker – Why All The Drama?
Sponsored by Mother’s Against Drunk Driving, Banana Liquor and No Longer sponsored by Crown Royal
CROWN ROYAL SPONSORSHIP DEAL GOES SOUTH
Subject: Re: Your Comment/Question Case # 413379
Dear John Smith, (assuming that is your real name) Thank you for your communication regarding potential Crown Royal participation. Currently we are not accepting sponsorship solicitations. Promotional items can only be provided when a consumer-related offer is available. At the present time, we do not have such a Crown Royal program available. We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. However, we wish you every success with your venture and thank you for contacting DIAGEO.
Sincerely, Joe H
Crown Royal Consumer Representative
It's about quality, not quantity.
MY RESPONSE
Hi Joe (Crown Royal Dude),
I think you should reconsider. We consume on average at least 52 bottles of Crown Royal a year and on a good Monday we can destroy two bottles. In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such a devoted consumer such as our MNPL team.
I understand you cannot sponsor us but a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends an allies. It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from Crown Royal and go down a dark and lonely road without you. It may be time to switch brands and I would think your company would at least reconsider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will reconsider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can calm my ill will and make me a happy Crown Royal customer once again,
Resigned to switching brands,
John Smith
I think you should reconsider. We consume on average at least 52 bottles of Crown Royal a year and on a good Monday we can destroy two bottles. In this tumultuous time it would serve your best interest to be kind to your consumers and at the very least come up with some way to reward such a devoted consumer such as our MNPL team.
I understand you cannot sponsor us but a gesture of good will I think would at least help us remain close friends an allies. It is with great regret that we may have to pull out from Crown Royal and go down a dark and lonely road without you. It may be time to switch brands and I would think your company would at least reconsider and move this letter up the chain to someone of decision making capacity that isn’t just a filter for emails.
I would sincerely hope you will reconsider and make some form of goodwill gesture in the form of a baseball hat, a pen or at least a letter from someone with some letters behind their name in the PR group that can calm my ill will and make me a happy Crown Royal customer once again,
Resigned to switching brands,
John Smith
Pro Poker Player
Toronto Ontario
Please consider the environment, don’t print this e-mail unless you need to.
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